2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The abuser never "finishes" his victim to the end, does not lead to complete loss of patience. He tortures her, abuses her, subjugates her, but makes sure that she is not exhausted. The parasite is interested in the survival and strength of the host organism to feed on it throughout life. By a monstrous analogy, the abuser is interested in the resourcefulness and constancy of his partner
Therefore, a dependency loop is created, being inside which, it is generally impossible to understand what is happening and call it one name.
He was a normal person, attentive and caring. Sometimes even frighteningly attentive, stiflingly caring. But he explains this by the irrepressibility of his feelings, by the power of love. By the way, they also explain angry outbursts (“I was just scared for you, for our relationship”), strong jealousy (“I’m afraid of losing you”), blackouts (“I’m doing so much, but again you are dissatisfied with something).
As a result, the victim feels wrong, ungrateful. But since she does not understand how "right", and cannot admit it, she does what her partner says.
I wonder why she can't confess. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you did not hear the interlocutor, ask to repeat, but did not hear again? Ashamed of your "deafness" or intolerance to his "porridge in the mouth", you timidly ask again for the third time. And, imagine, they did not understand again. Then you just agree with what you have, trying to quickly cover this stupid episode under the rug.
Almost the same happens to the victim of an abuser. Only her "interlocutor" is deliberately unclear. His strategy is to create the appearance of an explanation by distorting everything important, stuffing with ambiguity. And then the one who did not understand is to blame. Willingly guilty. Especially if the parents, instead of containing his feelings in childhood, significantly rolled their eyes.
This is how the victim becomes addicted. She does something for the “common good”, does not understand what and why, and it’s unsafe to ask (I don’t want to see rolled eyes too much). For example, he quits his job, stays at home. The circle of communication is narrowing.
The abuser is interested in his victim having little external support, and better not at all. He can control her alone, but other people who can ask "unnecessary" questions are unlikely. They meet with friends exclusively together. And at these meetings, he is just a darling. Attentive, respectful, gallant and fragrant. The victim hears in his address “Oh, how lucky you are!”, “You are so happy!”. And she, poor, and have nothing to argue. We have to explain the sunken face with vitamin deficiency. Because the real reasons are too complex, elusive, inexplicable, and similar to delirium.
The bottom line is that the victim again has nothing to show the abuser. How can she say that he forbids her to communicate with friends? Have you lost your mind? The day before yesterday, everyone just talked together and, by the way, he organized it himself.
Abusers are adept at anticipating and anticipating the desires of their victims. For example, he feels that the victim is exhausted and will soon begin to "sort things out". This is a dangerous area, as there is a threat that it will break out. Therefore, he does not let her hint that she missed friends, and he invites them, ahead of her claim.
The poor thing again with a sense of guilt. How unfair she is! After all, you can think bad about him when he built such a holiday?
Feelings of guilt are the knot of that very noose. It is impossible to go beyond it. When the abuser feels that the victim is close to exhaustion (and, therefore, to awakening, because the pain will wake anyone up), then he again "pours in sleeping pills." He "feeds" her, hitting exactly the need, and together with the food instills that she is bad and ungrateful. A well-fed victim feels the joy of satiety ("finally!") And guilt for doubts. On this, you can stretch out some more piece of time until a new cycle.
Sometimes, when the abuser "goes too far", the victim can leave him. But while she wakes up and learns to draw strength from independence, he will have time to crawl on his knees with the most heartbreaking remorse. The returning victim will live for several months in cotton candy, becoming more and more convinced that her flight is an impulsive foolishness.
So, the general view of the dependency loop in an abusive relationship is as follows:
1. Lack of normal childhood support for a potential victim helps the abuser to easily identify and charm them.
2. He is fabulously good in the first months of the relationship, his love does not fade, but only becomes more inflamed. Because of this love, all his follies, screams, jealousy and even violence. The victim is blamed for this. She always “loves less” and, therefore, is more to blame.
3. On the energy of this guilt, the victim begins to subjugate himself. Abuser gently but persistently removes her hands from all control levers, assuring that it will be better this way. Why exactly answers in such a way that it was impossible to understand. The victim, accustomed to not understanding, because no one was clear with her, is being carried on.
4. While she is submissive - he is affectionate. But obedience is required more and more, freedom to decide - less and less. The victim begins to accumulate dissatisfaction, reflect, seek support. But, as it turns out, her contacts became limited, and she did not even notice how. As a result, the abuser obscures the whole world.
5. An attempt to break free or change it is extinguished by a masterfully tailored accusation.
6. From time to time, the victim is "fed" with a good attitude. At the end of their strength or just prophylactically. This is how it never "ends" because it continues to be guilty and does not understand.
7. Then again point 3.
It is very difficult to get out of this alone. And I'm just trying to explain why. Many are twisting at their temples, listening to the stories of victims of abusers, wondering how it was possible to allow themselves to be treated this way. Are they blind?
No, not blind. They are simply not sensitive to violence, as I wrote in my last article about abuse. However, if they do not always feel violence, then bewilderment is constant. And if you decide to stay in it longer, you have a chance to see a terrible picture of your situation. Thinking about it, all the time I remember an Internet joke from ten years ago, where under a pensive dog there was the inscription "The one who did not understand is the closest to the truth."
Anastasia Zvonareva
