Hug

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We often talk about rules in the psychology profession. We are talking about security, borders, opportunities and impossibilities. But damn it, rules kill all spontaneity. Rules kill immediacy. From the very word "rules" it gets hard. However, rules and regulations make contact harder.

We often encourage clients to learn how to speak. Not because they do not have the art of speech or do not use it. But because the other, allegedly, cannot guess. I used "supposedly" and gave it the most sarcastic meaning precisely because sometimes words kill more than silence.

Different couples come to me. Some are quite closed, and they are quite satisfied with this closeness. Others are too open, and they are good at it. And there are those who cannot be called in one word in a pair. They are different. It is closed and it is open. And then I don't teach to speak. I ask you to watch. Observe the one you love, with whom you live, with whom you spend time.

Look at the interest with which she passes by the museum. Her gaze immediately lights up, and she begins to tell something. Remember her look. Remember her interest. And he often listens to rock. And in these moments he comes to life. I think he will be pleased to receive a ticket to the concert of his favorite band. She constantly looks at small children, and she would like her own. And here you are next, and you can start a conversation about children, so that she understands that everything is serious.

Just watch and see. You don't need to ask, you need to see.

One of my clients was offended by her husband, with whom she lived for many years. Every year he gave her white roses for her birthday, and she showed him in every possible way that she loved red ones. And so she left. I left him. For the roses. He never understood. That it's not about roses, but about lack of observation. He did not see her. And she didn't want to see him again. Everything is logical.

We are made up of little things: Out of love for coffee, not for tea, out of preference for meat over fish, from larks, not owls, from red lipstick, not colorless lips, from a loud voice, not a soft touch. And we want to be noticed in this.

She married him only because he was the first to call her the way she liked Nastusenka. And when he called her that, something turned over, froze, thawed out.

He married her because she ironed his pants every morning knowing that he liked it.

A friend of mine fondly recalls his first meeting with "the woman of his whole life." That is what he calls his beloved. He was fired from his job. And he came home from work in the autumn upset. I walked along the road slowly. And quietly despised himself. She saw his expression, and it seemed to her that she simply had to do something for him. And she went over and hugged him. They have been married for over 20 years. And every time he needs to feel a surge of strength, he remembers her embrace.

Yes. We can listen and speak. But we can also observe. Moreover, it is very pleasant to watch the beloved.