When The Body Wants A Hug

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It so happens that we meet a person with whom we have had satisfactory bodily contact. In this contact there is a lot of passion, bodily openness, tenderness and completeness of the meeting, as if created for each other. And now we are already fantasizing that life together will be as good as these hugs. But, unfortunately, body compatibility is not all that is needed for good relationships and family plans. Relationships need emotional maturity - an understanding of one's own value and the value of the Other, the ability to negotiate, the community of some interests, and tolerance for differences at the same time.

And then we suffer. Because it is impossible to refuse a person either, this bodily contact is so important, as if in a drought someone gives water to drink. And with him it is impossible, sometimes, nothing else really connects.

And here I, as a specialist, understand that we are talking about one of the important, but hungry needs - in bodily acceptance by another person. The roots of this deficiency go back to childhood. If in childhood bodily contact, especially with my mother, was unsatisfactory, then the search for someone who "strokes" continues throughout my life. And to the one who manages to do this, you can become attached for a long time, despite the discrepancies in other equally important aspects of the relationship. The mother could be cold, or absent, or vice versa, excessive in bodily touch, because when the child is squeezed - this is not love, it is experienced by the child as violence against him. And the hunger for timely and sufficient tenderness remains.

More often I have seen this phenomenon in women. But even among men, it happens that this need "adds up" in one place - in sex. Since culture imposes many restrictions on men, they are "allowed" to feel their body only in the genital area. And then, with the help of sex, a man tries to satisfy various non-sexual needs: for tenderness, bodily touch (of a non-sexual nature), for rest, for warmth, for interaction, etc.

The paradox is that those who have a body need hungry since childhood most often say "I don't like being touched." Not having received enough bodily acceptance, such people did not have the opportunity to ask and take it from the Other. Plus, the persistent mistrust since then pushes to avoid the possibility of a bodily meeting just in case. To satisfy their hungry need, they trust only one partner, who may not be capable of anything else.

I suppose to work with this in psychotherapy, starting with the skill of trusting another person emotionally, getting the opportunity to be open and take care. This is a difficult and often long journey. For the client, this is a space of risk to trust someone again, so the therapist needs to provide maximum support in this process, realizing that this distrust, often taking the form of depreciation or rejection, does not apply to the therapist personally. This is a way of organizing contact with everyone.

And only later does it become possible to move on to bodily practices that will allow you to restore contact with your own body and begin to trust this body to another person. Here you can connect body-oriented therapy, hugs with loved ones, body massage.

Massage in this case can turn out to be especially therapeutic if you turn to this tool in time (after emotional trust has become available) and approach the choice of a specialist and the style of massage, as well as the style of your presence in it, consciously, using all your sensitivity.

At first, it is better to choose a woman massage therapist, this will be a try to make up for the mother's touch. A classic type of massage or even better a relaxation one is suitable here. After all, the goal, in fact, is not so much in recovery, but in trying to entrust your body to the touches of another person. At the same time, it is important to be present at every moment of contact of your body with the hands of the massage therapist. Notice how your body responds to certain touches and adjust the course of the session if you feel uncomfortable. I focus on the presence in the here-and-now of this process, because I know that you can fly away with your thoughts in some kind of anxiety or problems, and literally skip the session, even while lying on the massage table.

By staying sensitive to tactile sensations, you can also visualize yourself as small during the massage. With love, walk through the sensations of the whole body, completing the picture of children's tactile memories.

As for touching during the work between the client and the therapist, there are different opinions on this matter. During the formation of psychotherapy, such directions (methods) appeared where it was believed that hugging the client was the healing intervention of the therapist. Currently, there is such a form as holding therapy, which is mainly applied to children. This is hug therapy.

I prefer to avoid forming any dependence on me in the client. My task is to support the client in free expression of his needs in his environment, to ask for and take bodily support in his life, and not to get hung up on hugs during therapy. But if I feel a desire to hug a client, then first I share it verbally, and only after receiving his consent (or even a request), I touch.

Here's what I would like to share. Your body deserves all loving attention.

It is impossible to work with the soul without working with the body, because it is one whole.