2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Once I walked with my niece and my mother and daughter walked with us on the playground. Daughter 2, 5 years old.
And I noticed how my mother guided her daughter all the time, urged her on, hurried and the like. For example, a daughter sits down to roll down a hill, and her mother says, "Make legs together." Look how Petya rolls.
And the daughter rolls as it is more convenient for her. And it is more convenient for her to hold them wider, so it is apparently safer for her. And mom would notice that the daughter herself can choose the way that is more convenient for her. But no, mom wants her daughter to do what mom thinks is more correct.
Or another example: a girl climbs a mountain in order to slide down from it. The mountain is big, it is a snowy slope. And the girl, of course, still finds it difficult to climb - because the clothes are not entirely comfortable, the shoes slip off, and she is still small. And at the same time my mother says: "Come on, come on, look how, Petya is getting up." Again comparing my daughter to someone else. The girl, slips, whimpers.. She is not very happy about all this …
Another situation. The same mother starts tossing another strange child. Next to my daughter. The daughter walks away. Apparently, it is not pleasant to her. Mom doesn't follow her, mom starts playing catch-up with someone else's child …
I watch with sadness that my mother constantly expresses dissatisfaction with her daughter, pulls her back. And then he tosses not her daughter, but a girl who is not her mother's. And she doesn't care about her daughter … The daughter begins to whimper in order to somehow attract the mother's attention to herself.. But the mother continues to play with the other child.. From time to time telling her daughter: "Come to us." And it seems that she does not completely refuse attention to her daughter, but she does not stay close to her, preferring to pay attention to someone else's child.
I still told this mother that I really sympathize with her daughter.
And how do you think the girl feels in the situations I described?
It seems to me that the girl in this situation feels not loved, and abandoned, and not needed by her mother.
What am I talking about?..
Imagine yourself in the shoes of this girl. They are always not happy with you. You are being told that someone else is doing better. How do you feel about it?
In such a situation, I would not feel good enough for my mother. And yet I would not be at all confident in myself and in my abilities. I would feel that I could never be as successful as anyone else. And I would not feel like a beloved mother.
I think you will agree with me.
When I see this couple: mother and daughter, then I have so much sympathy for my daughter … I do not see her cheerfulness, activity, curiosity, unfortunately … She has no time for this.. She should somehow feel like an accepted mother, loved by her undoubtedly…
Do you think she will be successful in any activity or in a team?..
It seems to me that if nothing changes, and the mother is still not happy with the girl, does not learn to accept her, maintain her activity, and not impose her vision, then it will be very difficult for the girl to overcome difficulties. She will grow up very insecure, very upset by failure. And most likely it will be very withdrawn. It will be difficult for her to trust herself and other people too. She will only expect something bad from the world … What a pity … I am very sorry that this is how it is and how it happens..
Moreover, my mother, after all, does not do all this out of malice. This is how she shows her love and care. Only from such love and care does my daughter want to cry …
And if only to imagine that the mother would begin to learn to trust her daughter. Learn to trust that she herself is able to choose what to do, how and where to play, at what pace she should climb a slide, how to slide down a slide, etc. And if something does not work out, then support it with the words: “Yes, it’s still difficult for you to do it. Let me help you". And gradually, as the daughter will be better at it, then pay her attention: "Look, not long ago you did not succeed, but now look how you can do it."And so gradually the child will develop self-confidence and self-confidence. And then the girl would begin to grow trust in herself and in other people too. And then she would be able to achieve success and cope with difficulties.
Now I don't want to judge my mother or reproach her. I do not want. I understand that my mother behaves this way, because, perhaps, she was treated the same way in her childhood, and this behavior is familiar to her. And most likely, for this mother, it is important to be good to others. Those. not to hear your needs and the needs of your child, but to focus on the needs of others. Therefore, she is the same with her daughter - she believes that she is a mother who knows better how good it is for her daughter. And then it is important for mom to learn to notice her desires and needs. Hear them. Consider them. And trust yourself. And then you can trust your child. Trust that he himself can understand what is convenient for him and what is acceptable.
I am writing about this because I want to draw parents' attention to this aspect of relationships with children. And this applies not only to the adoption of the child by the mother. This also applies to the adoption of the child by the dad. And maybe someone will succeed somehow differently. It will turn out to accept the child as he is. It will turn out to trust the child. And support him in overcoming various difficulties. And the acquisition of his own experience. And then some child will be much calmer to cope with difficulties and be more confident, successful and happy child. And this is one of the conditions for a successful adult life.
And if it is still difficult for you to notice your needs and trust yourself and your child, then seek advice. I, as a psychologist, will help you learn this.
Psychologist, child psychologist Velmozhina Larisa
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