How Not To Depend In A Relationship? Relationship Psychology

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How to choose the most comfortable distance of fusion and freedom in a relationship? How to overcome the crazy fear of merging, losing yourself and your boundaries?

The first and most important thing to learn is to monitor your behavior when you are merged. Ideally, it is best to have a close friend or therapist with you who knows you well and will pay attention to over-merging with your partner (“I think you’re getting too close, you need to distance yourself a little!”). What might the merge process look like? You constantly follow your partner, do all his business, you cannot think and talk about anything else

To get out of the state of merger, not to be afraid of intimacy with a partner, to feel confident on his territory and not to be afraid to invite to yours, you need to know well and be able to defend your boundaries (at least once in your life, you need to separate from those people on whom you depended before or still depend (for example, separation from parents)).

After going through the process of separation from your parents, you will understand at what stage your merger has become excessive and you need to move away from your partner, and you can easily take a step back.

At this stage, it is important to inform a loved one that you are insanely comfortable and good in merging with him, but you start to lose yourself as a person, so you need time to be alone, to restore your inner resources. Reassure your partner that you will definitely come back after you come to your senses. Make your next appointment.

If you are a counterdependent person and are desperately afraid of this merger, you will usually have a relationship with a codependent person. Such people have an instinctive sense of anxiety that they will be abandoned. They are afraid of losing affection and being alone, so they quickly become attached to their partner and begin to worry that some kind of disaster will happen if you step back even a step. Accordingly, by making an appointment for the next meeting, you slightly reduce their anxiety - the person knows about the meeting, he is sure that then everything will be fine, and he only needs to go through this period of forced loneliness.

Give yourself the right to live in a relationship freely, to be yourself, not to lose your worldview and life values. Find a person with whom you have common spiritual and intellectual values and life views; someone who really believes that you need to be alone with your thoughts for a week, and does not just agree to tolerate your absence.

A loved one should not be afraid that for some time he will be alone. This does not "knock" him out of contact ("You know, I want to stay one day or two" - "That's it, you don't love me. Bye"), he is quite adequate to your decision ("Yes, I understand everything. I also have things to do while you sort out your thoughts”).

Partners must necessarily have an interesting and eventful life separately from each other, sometimes save yourself with work (if you see that your thoughts are fixated on one thing, go headlong into work issues). It's simple - work in any incomprehensible life situation! It really helps. In addition, you will get rid of harmful thoughts, and you will be able to build a career.

Do not limit your social circle - communicate with friends, come to visit them, meet somewhere and share your thoughts. In any case, your hormones make you dream of a partner, remember the wonderful and warm moments of the last meeting and ponder the next one. Friends can be happy for you if everything is fine in the relationship, and support when the need arises

We are all social beings, and companionship will allow us to unload our psyche a little and breathe a sigh of relief. Tens of thousands of processes take place inside our consciousness, hundreds of thoughts flash, and all this at a certain moment rolls like a snowball and worsens the emotional state. By sharing with someone, we reduce internal stress - this is the law of psychology, inviolable, like the laws of physics!

Get yourself a hobby and devote your free time to this activity. An important point - choose such interests that you can really get carried away with, and when you go deeper, you will not be able to think about anything else (or your thoughts will be in free flight - light, pleasant and unobtrusive).

When your hands are busy, your head rests, but you continue to think about the issues that bother you, but it happens as in a dream - the thoughts themselves "are laid out on the shelves."

Learn to rely on your feelings and desires so that you don't lose yourself when you merge with your partner

You always want to please a loved one, spend your free time together … But you also have your own desires and feelings, which you sacrifice for the sake of a relationship! Eat, take a walk, meet friends, lie on the beach, go somewhere … Do not forget to fulfill your desires and needs, do not focus only on what is connected with your partner.

Another important point - give yourself the right to have a strong relationship, but at the same time be a free person. Believe me, this option is quite acceptable and exists! Today, there is a pronounced tendency for free relations - partners agree among themselves about this, and most often girls are the initiators of such freedom. Paradoxically, in our time, men want to get married, and women prefer personal independence. When we mean freedom in relationships, we are not talking about connections on the side. As a rule, people who negotiate do not cheat on their partner.

The second amazing trend of the modern world is that even being married and having children together, people live separately. Osho mentioned this idea while telling a story. In fact, it looks like this - you have your own home, your partner has yours, and you go to visit each other (you wanted - for a week, you wanted - for longer), and the children live with mom and dad in turn. Relatively speaking, everything happens at will, here and now: if you want to stay together - stayed, you want to take a break from each other - dispersed. For many of us, this option is completely unacceptable, but this is how the balance between merging and distance is maintained, and then additional questions do not arise.

It is also very important to be able to choose the right moment for distancing, while taking into account not only your desires, but also the needs of your partner. In other words, it must be a joint decision. And each time - a new creative process that you create together with a loved one. This is creativity in a relationship - whether you want to maximize merging with your partner, be alone, or not communicate at all for some time (there may be a situation where you want to completely limit communication, and your partner asks to call up once a day - and you agree: "Okay. Every day one call for 10 minutes. Are you satisfied?").

Relationships are hard and hard work that many people are afraid of, because everyone wants us to have clearly written rules (do it like this, and there will be happiness!). In fact, if you follow them strictly, you will become bored and uninteresting in life. The more freedom in a relationship, the more you experience joy, happiness and harmony.