Love, Not Depend

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We have never been taught how to build and maintain healthy, loving relationships. But we need each other so much, and often the relationship between a man and a woman becomes one of the most significant in a person's life.

From childhood, we bring a baggage of memories, parental attitudes and a scenario of life invented by a child, including a scenario for building relationships with a partner. But the child does not have awareness and relies only on the knowledge given to him by his parents and society as a whole.

We all want to be happy and loved, but do we understand correctly - LOVE?

I am me.

You are you.

I do not live to live up to your expectations.

You don't live to match mine.

I am me.

You are you.

If at some point and

we will coincide at some point - fine.

If not, that's okay.

I don't like myself when I betray myself trying to please you.

I do not love you when I try to make you the way I want, instead of accepting you for who you really are.

You are you, and I am me."

Fritz Perls

Unfortunately, very often we replace love with emotional addiction. In essence, emotional dependence is the repression of a part of one's own personality in order to merge with another personality, as it were, into a single whole, into one person. At the same time, one's own life and personal interests fade into the background, leaving only relationships and the object of dependence in focus. Also, none of the partners can get out of them, knowing and feeling that it is necessary.

Emotions in this case can be both positive and negative, but the main thing is very bright and strong or dramatically changing from one pole to another.

When a person loses himself for the sake of maintaining a relationship, happiness is lost and in the end there are thoughts about breaking up the relationship or about his own non-Okness (which, unfortunately, happens most often).

If the realization of the need for a break has come, panic may follow. Pictures from life together begin to flicker before my eyes, an illusory feeling of security in these relationships appears.

What if I don't find more like him? Or maybe he will change after all? What if he meets another and forgets about me? What if I'm alone forever? What if he decides that I'm bad? These frightening questions can be maddening, but their main purpose is to stop you, to shackle you with fear, to destroy your self-esteem, in one word to prevent a breakup!

Feel the difference and answer which option is more about you?

"I CHOOSE to be with you, because in your company I am better, because your presence makes my life better, I am happy with you."

"I continue to be with him only because I'm scared to be alone, because I can't cope alone, because I can't build my own life, because I NEED him."

See the difference? Have you responded?

When you are emotionally dependent, you do not choose another. You are with him because you cannot live without him.

To choose- to be free, strong and take responsibility for your life. And this is about how to believe in yourself, love yourself and appreciate.

To need - to be dependent on another, not to believe in oneself, to be under someone else's control or to control oneself, to devalue oneself or another.

What to do? You need to learn to be happy alone with yourself. After all, you can be alone and at the same time feel comfortable. If you are with another person in a long-term relationship, then only in order to make your life better and happier. You can find activities that suit you, learn to entertain yourself, take care of yourself, and provide for yourself without the help of others (even without the help of your parents). And all this will be about growing up, about responsibility for yourself and your life. Then you will not need to look for a substitute for a parent in a partner, you will become free and independent.

If you live with a partner just because you hate loneliness, are afraid to be alone with yourself, this will most likely lead to the formation of your emotional dependence and most likely about how you do not want to grow up.

I propose to consider the main characteristics and symptoms of the manifestation of emotional dependence:

A dependent person needs a partner so much that he cannot imagine life without him

He demands from another constant manifestation of feelings. And if for some reason he does not receive this, he feels unnecessary and begins to make efforts to improve relations

The addict wants to always have a partner at his disposal

The addict wants the other person to change

The addict feels panic at the thought that the partner might leave him

He needs total control, which inevitably leads to quarrels

In dependent relationships, breakups and reconciliations often occur, but the desire to change a partner does not disappear

The addicted person ceases to be himself. He cannot behave in accordance with his values and acts in such a way as to please the other, so that he continues to stay with him

The addict feels helpless when trying to break off destructive, hurting relationships

A person stops spending time with friends, with dear and close people

A person turns a partner into the center of his life, his thoughts, worries and experiences

He doubts his feelings for his partner and his feelings for himself

In dependent relationships, psychological aggression is almost always manifested to one degree or another. Often, the realization of the manifestation of this aggression comes only in the process of psychotherapy, when the situation and feelings are analyzed

The addict allows himself to be manipulated and considers what is not true as truth

He suffers from increased anxiety and cannot sleep at night, can often cry and feel helpless

It is important to understand that where there is addiction, love dies.

"The path to happiness does not go through humiliation and self-denial. If you are not loved, learn to lose people and leave with dignity."

Walter Riso

It is possible and simply necessary to get out of addiction, but this is not an easy way and not for the weak. Most often, in cases of addiction, the help of a psychologist becomes a necessity. It is very difficult to cope with this problem on your own, especially without consequences, getting stuck and without repeating this scenario in the next relationship, because this process lies very deep in the subconscious, it is laid down in deep childhood. The work of a psychologist will be quite lengthy and very accurate, because in this situation, both support from a psychologist and confrontation at the right time are very necessary. Start first by realizing or admitting that you are in a dependent relationship, and then get the help of a professional. This will allow you to gain clarity and understanding why you needed this relationship and what it gave you.

Take care of yourself, grow, separate and mature, so you can get out of addiction and become a happy and loving person))