2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This is not the first time I hear people regret that they "meet the wrong guys." I often notice comments in the style of “you have to think about who you are meeting with”. Increasingly, I observe how victims of stalking and violence are accused of some kind of secondary benefit - they say, "they themselves attract the abusers." And, of course, I regularly read the assurances of "superwomen" that this would never happen to them, because they "know how to choose." Zadolbali! You don't choose a shit. Remember: you are chosen.
Rapists and stalkers target their victims long before she learns of their existence. Everything else is just an illusion of control. Even if the girl herself approached the stranger in her favorite bar, smiled at the guy at the elevator herself and sat down with the student in the library herself, the reality may not be what it seems. Few wonder why a stranger looks so attractive: why he drinks the same as she does, and her favorite band is playing in his headphones, why he accidentally picked up the last book she needed so much for the exam, why it smells like her father's favorite cologne, or is going to adopt the dog she has always dreamed of at the shelter. Dream? Fate? No, just a game in which the puppet does not even suspect that someone is pulling her strings. I am not paranoid and I do not urge everyone to blow on the water. These are just three real examples of "meeting a stalker" from my personal psychotherapeutic practice.
Stalking is always a deliberate malicious act. And it doesn't matter how it is expressed. Physical harassment, uninvited attention, unexpected gifts from barely familiar people, frequent messages in instant messengers and social networks, despite blocks and requests not to bother - all these are signs of an obsessive state and qualify as harassment. This is not a "manifestation of love" or "it seemed to you." It is a form of violence that may or may not be related to the mental disorder of the stalker. People without psychopathological inclinations also use stalking to intimidate and achieve their goals. But psychotic stalking is usually typical for people with affective disorders, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia.
A particular danger is that delusional obsessions and aggression can be directed at absolutely anyone. A person may not even suspect that he is the object of someone's fantasies. In this case, the pursuer will know everything about him. And "everything" is not a figure of speech. “Everything” is a painstaking work of collecting information that people we so imprudently scatter around us in everyday life. These "bread crumbs" can easily bring a monster into your life, which will be very difficult to get rid of. After all, practically no country in the world still has a proven victim protection mechanism. Even if something comforting is prescribed at the legislative level, in practice, little works.
The non-existent relationship with the victim is exclusively a figment of the stalker's imagination, which is impossible to calculate or foresee. After all, he lives in an alternative reality and sincerely believes that the object of the so-called "love" is destined for him. The stalker often idealizes his victim, endowing him with unique qualities, projecting his own complexes, or trying to rewrite past traumatic experiences of rejection. Sometimes he needs to achieve reciprocity at any cost, and then not only persuasion and signs of attention are used, but also threats. Moreover, persecutors can threaten both the victim (and her relatives) and themselves with physical violence. And it happens that fixation on an object does not require reciprocity. If just possession is enough, it can easily lead to kidnapping or even murder. After all, the dead do not mind, and any rejection causes the strongest frustration and outbursts of uncontrollable rage. And no, it cannot be cured.
For those with cluster B personality disorders - narcissists, border guards and psychopaths - so-called border stalking is characteristic. These people are well aware of what they are doing, and most often direct their efforts towards partners who dared to leave the vicious circle of relationships. Former wives and husbands are persecuted, bombarded with letters whose tone fluctuates between humiliation and pleas for forgiveness to sophisticated threats. The motives can be revenge or envy, the desire to punish or prove their exclusivity. Of course, there are also predators - those who pursue for the sake of sports interest, enjoying their own superiority and other people's fear and confusion.
Depending on the mechanisms involved and the level of functionality of the stalker, persecution can be expressed both in a banal obsession (misunderstanding of refusal, waiting after work, night calls, standing under the windows, numerous attempts to talk, touch, minor vandalism), and in planning a sophisticated crime. The essence remains unchanged - the person who has become the object of persecution is a priori not guilty of anything, because he cannot foresee the development of the situation and is unable to predict what exactly will provoke the rapist. The only thing you can do is defend yourself. And I will definitely talk about the possible options for action in the next article.
Recommended:
"Not Touchy Women" And "patient Men". Emotional Abuse Tolerance. Victim Selection
Kitchen. Evening. He and she are trying to make dinner. - What are you spreading your hands here like a fool! Get away! .. Bring it! … Give it! .. - Yes, now, don’t shout, don’t you see, I’m busy … Now I’ll come and do it. One gets the feeling that his words do not hurt her.
Codependent Pattern Of Partner Selection. Can You Choose The Good?
Once I was shocked how Tim bought shoes. He tried on, it seems, several dozen pairs. Many were "ok" but not "good." A little lighter, a little heavier, a little tighter, a little looser, a little darker, a little lighter, the laces are a little narrower, a little wider … I was quietly furious.
A Selection Of Fairy Tales For The Therapy Of Childhood Fears
Author: Antonina Oksanych, child and family psychologist, gestalt therapist. When faced with childhood fears, parents are confused about how best to help their child cope with them. Where do children's fears come from and how fairy tale therapy helps kids - let's discuss.
The Role Of The Victim In A Domestic Violence Scenario. Victim Behavior. "Call Of The Sacrifice"
Let's agree right away - responsibility for the violence lies with the perpetrator. This is personal responsibility. It cannot be shared with anyone. But in the scenario of domestic violence, both are involved: the "rapist" is the one who commits the violence and the "
Each Abuser Has A Victim! Do Abusers Always Pair Up With A Victim?
There is an opinion that the abuser only take the victims as a couple. In this article, I want to address the aspect of victim behavior of women who start a relationship with an abuser. What kind of victim is she? Many people think of it as some kind of junk that constantly cries, whines, gets cuffs, cries again and does nothing about it.
