2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Once I was shocked how Tim bought shoes. He tried on, it seems, several dozen pairs. Many were "ok" but not "good." A little lighter, a little heavier, a little tighter, a little looser, a little darker, a little lighter, the laces are a little narrower, a little wider … I was quietly furious. In my understanding, it was worth buying the first "normal" ones and moving on. I didn’t understand why he was messing around so much. So he chose boots at last. I breathed a sigh of relief. We're back home. And Tim discovered that something was wrong. Then I was even more shocked. He went and got those shoes back! And then, after repeating the long selection procedure, he bought others that he completely liked.
I was used to buying the first, which is more or less "tolerable". In my childhood, my mother, it seems, paid attention to the quality of clothes and shoes, but did not care how I was in this. Those. the jacket could be of high quality, but outwardly disfigure me and be uncomfortable. And my toes are crippled from the shoes - the small ones are bent inward, and the large ones are outward. I realized this relatively recently - when I was studying body therapy and noticed that I actually have a body, including my toes. (Oh, I also found the membranes between my fingers! Surprise at the age of 32. Still in shock!) My mother also said something like "Take what you have, the rest will be even worse." And also it was always necessary to buy urgently, because, firstly, you need to put it on today, or better - yesterday, and secondly, there is no time to choose, simply because there is no time to choose.
I adopted this pattern. I bought clothes-shoes when it was already “on fire”. I didn't have time for a long search. I took the first one, which was not entirely awful. Knowing that the rest will be even worse. In principle, I had no experience of buying something "good". At best, "tolerable." There was no such thing that I completely liked something outwardly, that it would sit well on me and decorate me, that I would be comfortable in it, and so on. My feet continued to be "polished" and crippled under new shoes. There could be no question of giving up something after the purchase. You can wear it what you have, because: you need it yesterday, there is no time to choose, the other is even worse.
How does this relate to choosing a codependent partner?
First, the codependent has no experience of contact with a sufficiently good and accessible object (parent). The object is either toxic. Or good, but inaccessible. Either toxic or inaccessible. There is simply no understanding and feeling of how it is - when in a relationship no one runs away, does not reject, does not humiliate, but treats with love, respect and a mutual desire for contact. It's like a firm belief that all shoes are bad, and you need to choose the tolerable from the bad ones, and then somehow adjust your heels to these shoes, because there have never been good shoes in your life. It is impossible to choose good shoes, because there is no knowledge that they are in nature at all.
Secondly, the power of emotional hunger is so great that it looks like the same "need yesterday" and "there is no time to choose." Grab what you have, and then figure out how to adapt to it. Just so as not to die of hunger and emptiness.
At some point, I had some big discoveries.
- First, what you can choose. That there is no need to agree to the first offer. That there is time and resources to choose.
- Secondly, that you can choose good. That good in general exists. And this good one can be chosen. Those.you can choose a good person with whom we are good together!
- Thirdly, what is bad and simply inappropriate - no need to choose !!! Those. if a person is toxic, or there is no mutual interest in me on his part, or I am somehow not very interested in him, then there is no need to hope that something will change, there is no need to give any second chances, etc. You just need to give yourself the opportunity to choose what is good and suitable.
Are you directing passive or active aggression at me? Everything, "ciao, bambino, sorry". No need to endure. And you don't even need to try to fix something. Just walk away. Are you not interested in me? Well, in vain. Bye Bye. You don't have to go out of your way to interest. Do we not coincide in values and life guidelines? Sorry, not destiny. You do not need to run to revise your life guidelines. Don't know how to conduct a direct constructive dialogue, clarify and negotiate, mutually meet halfway, stir up something incomprehensible? Goodbye, Maylav, Gudai. I'm not a teacher to teach. Do I somehow feel uncomfortable with you? Sorry, they didn't match. You don't need to deceive yourself and you don't need to get used to the uncomfortable.
Once in a couple of weeks I had several different acquaintances. If we discard the completely inadequate, then the options were approximately the following: “an interesting person, but he is not interested in me, he is only interested in himself”, “a good person (high-quality jacket), but I feel a loss of strength with him”, “it is very pleasant with a person and comfortable, but we do not coincide with life guidelines "," everything seems to be fine, but something somehow does not pull towards him. " I thought about developing communication further. And then I talked to a friend. And I felt how it is - when, during communication, the body is filled with energy, and the conversations are interesting, and there is a mutual desire for contact, and we look in the same direction. After that, I didn't want to try some kind of uncomfortable communication. Why should I waste energy communicating with a person? If it is possible not to lose energy, but to gain, and moreover, it is mutual. Communication should be comfortable and pleasant. Moreover, to the body, and the mind, and the feelings. The next step was to "return the shoes" - to inform everyone that I was not ready to develop communication, and to withstand the response, and it was different - from calm and accepting to aggressive.
The above does not negate the fact that no one is perfect. And that there will still be some period of grinding in, there will be conflicts and a lot will need to be clarified and solutions found. But this is not equivalent to agreeing to endure an uncomfortable position for yourself so that a knowingly inappropriate suit fits well. The crippled toes are a good reminder of this.
Fragment from the collection
Codependency in its own juice"
You might also be interested in the book " What do we confuse love with, or is Love"- about illusions and traps in codependency and about the model of healthy relationships.
Books are available on Liters and MyBook.
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