2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"But Vanechka already knows how to count"
"Why are you so armless!"
"And here I am at your age"
“Well, where are you going! Well you fall out of the blue, and here - dancing!"
"Yeah … Well, the artist will not come out of you."
"And who else got the five?"
"No, but what … Not so bad."
“Why 4? And who has 5 in grade?"
“I'm not interested in the fact that no one passed this exam. I wonder why YOU didn't pass!"
What familiar words. And if not just these, then similar. Devaluation of what is. Highlighting what didn't work and ignoring what came out. And also this: "Do not overpraise, so as not to be arrogant / spoiled." And this is all from the closest and most significant people in life - from their parents.
Is it possible to spoil a child with praise at all?
You've heard about the "Jewish children phenomenon." Why, according to statistics, representatives of this nation so often reach such heights in the profession? Whether it's a composer, surgeon or nuclear scientist. They have their own upbringing system based on acceptance and support. If a child draws a drawing - for a mother, this is the best drawing in the world! If she wrote a poem, he is already almost Pushkin in her eyes. And if you spin the tape recorder, it means he is inquisitive and you need to give him an electronic designer. Fear, Elon Musk, your competitor is growing.
In a child's life, there will be enough people who will criticize, teach and compare. And he can resist this pressure only with his inner confidence. And who forms it? Parents. The closest and the very first people who are significant for the child.
From the words heard from them, an inner core is formed, self-confidence, self-respect and self-perception. This is the basis of the ability not to break at a difficult moment, not to fold your hands.
We are ready to fight with the world, to achieve something, to cope with difficulties and confront difficulties when we have a beloved and accepted child inside of us, who was told that he was great. Yes, this child was wrong too. And yes, he was told that he did not win today. But at the same time they always added - “try again! You can! And if he did something, he was praised from the bottom of the heart, honestly and without reminders!
And then the adult who grew out of this child is ready to experience losses and become stronger and wiser from them, and not fall into self-destruction, depression and self-criticism. He sees failure as experience. Not a sentence.
And from success, such a person feels a simple banal joy, and not the "impostor syndrome" and the fear of possible loss.
How can you spoil yourself with well-deserved praise? It's like pampering with sincere love.
Nobody says to be praised for bad deeds. But DO NOT praise (or not praise) for something good is to educate in a person the devaluation of himself, the eternal fear of defeat and lack of confidence in his abilities.
I've seen a lot of people who don't know how to compliment. And also - they do not know how to accept them.
- You have a very beautiful dress today.
- Oh, what are you. He is already five years old. And even wrinkled. She seemed to be stroking, but somehow she overlooked, right here below.
Really? Where is it from? From inability to receive praise. If you do not “spoil” a person with praise from childhood, then where does the ability to accept it at all in adulthood come from? Where does the ability to celebrate success come from?
It would seem - well, what's wrong? Here's a kind of modest person and that's it. But no. The person is not modest - not confident. And the girl not only devalued the compliment, she also ruined her mood for the whole day. Instead of feeling happy and beautiful.
But she wanted to be beautiful. And I wanted compliments. But it is not the ability to accept them that causes constant internal conflict and contradiction. Doing something with the expectation of positive emotions - getting the reaction of another person - instead of positive emotions to feel uncomfortable - and again doing something with the expectation of positive emotions. And so in a circle. And she will dress beautifully again, expecting praise. And he will receive it. And it will devalue. And he will be upset.
And so in everything.
So, hypothetically, what harm could be from praising a child? Because the harm from not praising him is very significant.
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