2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Anya was little praised as a child. At least she thought so. It was very disappointing. And it is doubly offensive because her cousins and sister were praised much more in her presence. And they both studied and behaved - worse. However, those words of praise that she heard - both in her own and in their address, still seemed somehow different. There was little joy from them. On the contrary, there was some kind of incomprehensible tension
Praise is very important, but also quite subtle. Now, influenced by the American parenting model, many young parents actively praise their children. Perhaps they are trying to compensate for their lack of praise in childhood. And perhaps they are worried about the future self-esteem of their child. In any case, the opinion that praise is a panacea for everything is wrong. After all, if you use this tool incorrectly, you can significantly harm the child's self-esteem and relationship with him. Therefore, it is important to know the basic rules of praise.
Praise but do no harm
How do we usually praise children? We say, for example: “What a fine fellow you are!”, “Good boy (girl)!”, “You did it right!”. And sometimes we say “How well you washed the dishes! Nobody in the world washes dishes like you! At first glance, this seems to be a very positive phrase. But try now to imagine yourself in the role of a child who is being told that. What do you feel? Are you 100% good at it?
For example, I would not very much like to hear such praise. And it seems to be nice, but some sediment remains in the soul. It turns out that I am a fine fellow, I am good, only when I do certain actions. This means that if I don’t do them, I’ll become bad. It's offensive, angry, sad. It smacks of completely conventional acceptance and love "for something."
Children feel about the same. They seem to "read" the unspoken subtext of the parent's message. And all because in this case, praise is built on a value judgment. "Good, well done, right." This means that there is a bad one, and not a good fellow, and wrong. Conclusion: any assessment - good or bad - harms the formation of healthy self-esteem in the child.
How to praise?
You ask, how then can you express your admiration, joy, pride, etc. when communicating with a child? How, then, can you praise him? Very simple. First - instead of a logical assessment of his actions - talk about yourself! Second, do not express your assessment, but your feelings, your attitude to his actions. “I am glad (glad) that you did it!”, “I admire the way (what) you are with me!”. "I am proud that I have such a son (daughter)!" etc.
Compare:
The son went to the store and bought groceries.
Mom (direct, evaluative praise): “That's right, I went! You are good for me, good son!"
Mom (indirect, non-judgmental praise): “Son, I'm so glad you went to the store and helped me with the groceries! Now I will have time to prepare everything for the arrival of the guests."
Do you feel the difference?
When we praise the child, while expressing our feelings or attitude towards his actions, the child feels the parent's sincerity and "reads" this message as an encouragement of his actions. He thinks "I can do this job well." When a parent uses a value judgment, which is also exaggerated (“no one will do like you!”), The child “reads” in this: “Parents need me only when I do this” or “I know that I’m not quite like that. really good, so they probably fool me."
What to praise for?
In fact, there cannot be much “correct” praise. The more a parent expresses his feelings and shows an attitude towards this or that child's action, the better his contact with his own child becomes. Mutual trust and sincere communication is formed. And it doesn't matter if dad is happy that his son has washed the floor - or admires the fact that he graduated from college with honors. The main thing is that feelings are expressed. And directly to their addressee.
However, I want to note that it is not only pleasant feelings that it is important to tell a child. If a parent, for example, is angry or dissatisfied with some of his actions or inaction, it is important to talk about this as well. But again, not in an evaluative form. And using the "I-message" and naming your feeling at the same time. For example: "I am very angry with you, son, for not going to the store!" A child would rather hear such a message than a phrase like “How lazy you are, you didn’t go to the store again!”.
It is important to express genuinely sincere feelings to your child. Both pleasant and unpleasant. After all, children, like no one, feel good about falsity. And this is fraught with distrust of parents, fenced off or aggressiveness, as well as the formation of low self-esteem in the child.
Finally - let's practice!
Try to compose your appeal to the child using the methods described in the article, in the context of these situations:
- The son put away the toys.
- The daughter washed the dishes.
- The child finished the quarter without Cs
- The young man entered the institute
- Baby spilled milk
- The son plays with the computer for a long time and does not go to eat when his name is
- The child received a deuce and a diary entry from the teacher
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