Mom Doesn't Love, Dad Doesn't Praise. Social Scenarios

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Social scenarios - these are ways of interacting with other people and society as a whole, the ways in which we establish and maintain (or break) contacts - any contacts and connections, both in business and in personal relationships, and even in our own inner world (relations between parts personality, between internal figures, for example).

This topic is more accessible for awareness due to the fact that we can directly observe (if, of course, we want to:)) how we behave in communication with another person. With a group of people. At work. With a partner, friends or enemies, parents, children.

There is everything four main scenarios and a conditional fifth, which consists in the ability to flexibly switch from one scenario to another and have in your arsenal all the ways to maintain relationships.

Four scenarios are divided into "paternal" and "maternal", two on each side - on the left in the concept of bodily insight there are "maternal" scenarios (this is a point on the spleen, therefore the prevalence of destructive "maternal" scenarios can be judged by (psycho) somatic problems in the left hypochondrium).

The "paternal" scripts are on the right, above the liver (and, accordingly, problems with this and nearby organs may be an indication for work). Social scenarios are clearly manifested and pathologized (consolidated) during school years, since school is the first model of social interaction for a child … It is no coincidence that so many scary and traumatic stories from school life still make many adults shudder.

Now, in more detail about each of the four scenarios:

1. The first ("mother") scenario: it is formed and begins to consolidate when the mother gives the message to the child "You are already big!", makes "adult" requirements - which often coincides with the time of preparation and admission to school, and the child has to go through an internal struggle with his own unwillingness to socialize, unwillingness to separate from the mother's figure. Therefore, the destructiveness of the first scenario lies in the fact that a person chooses to "stay with his mother" - in a literal or metaphorical sense, i.e. a person constantly puts himself in a position in need of care, care, treatment - that is, in need of a Mother's Figure. The most often destructive first scenario "results" in permanent illness, general ill health, "not allowing" a person to go forward, to do something significant in his own life, to meet social challenges. In addition to illness, it can be the creation of such circumstances by a person for himself, in which he will all the time need a savior, a strong helper, resorting to many (self) excuses, "why I do not do this." The saddest result of this scenario is somatization, the appearance of already quite real serious illnesses, to-rye a person is forced to treat, or life in a permanent "distress", from which there is "no way out."

The exit from the script is possible ONLY due to the strong-willed, conscious decision of the person himself! Only when a person CAM understands that he no longer wants to live like this, he can begin to rebuild his script. And it is important to know and remember, both in relation to oneself (no one will pull me out of illnesses or troubles, or excuses without my intention), and in relation to other people with a pronounced first scenario, if they want to "save" …

2. Second ("paternal") scenario: formed when the child finds the strength to move away from the offending mother's figure and go to the father's figure in search of support and praise. The child literally or figuratively asks "Daddy, praise me!" And if the father (paternal figure) responds to this demand and praises, a compensatory second scenario is formed, and the person "sticks" to receiving recognition from the outside, his efforts are now aimed at becoming a "winner", "an excellent student", "the best of the best ", the conqueror of all possible" prizes "-" prizes ", to-rye he can later" attribute to mom "and this, as it were," take revenge "on her for dislike.

The destructiveness of the second scenario is a constant race for achievements, the inability to relax, and the strongest frustration with the smallest deviation from the "super plus" assessment; perfectionism, the desire to be good for others, the attitude to endless self-demonstration in the hope of a continuous stream of praise - and again a huge disappointment in the absence of such a stream. The worst thing here is the realization that the love of others - society, the figure of the Father - is always conditional, and cannot, no matter how hard you try, compensate, compensate for the unconditional love and support that the Mother figure should give, as well as the impossibility of achieving the absolute necessary in this scenario - because there will always be someone better, not in this "field", so in another, and the "best of the best" will face the illusion of his "best" position.

3. Third (right-handed) scenario it is formed when dad does not praise enough for achievements or (more often) when the child sees that dad continues to communicate with pleasure with "this terrible woman", i.e. with mom (from a cut the child, I remind you, "went to dad" because of the lack of unconditional love). Seeing how mom and dad rejoice at each other, the child begins to suspect that he is not so necessary for his parents and is trying to become necessary for them. This is the basis of the third scenario "I will be irreplaceable" ("I will save everyone!") Representatives of absolutely any helping professions (and I, of course, among them) must have this scenario in a sufficiently developed form. If the third scenario is the leader, then the person is literally unable to refuse help, with great difficulty stops at work - after all, only when doing something - he (according to his feelings) is needed by others. An irresistible trap for the third scenario is the message "Only you!" - that is, "only you can help us / me!" And if you are able to resist such a call, then you can be congratulated on a successful exit from the script.

Destructiveness here lies in the fact that a person is not doing his own business, not his own life, and all available resources are invested in “saving” and “helping” others. It is not by chance that I put these words in quotation marks - many people know the phrase about "doing good and doing good" - and this is also the third scenario. One's own usefulness to others becomes the only joy and the only indicator of the value of oneself, which is very sad. Not to mention the fact that such a person is very easy and convenient to use.

4. The last, again left-sided and "maternal" the scenario takes effect when the child runs out of strength - the strength to seek love. It is based on the hardest experience of all neurotics, "The world does not need me." And having felt this, the child “leaves” for the only remaining protection - the formula-inversion “I don’t need the world”.

The fourth scenario is the most difficult to work through, being built on despair and a very deep fear, through which a person may not dare to step over for many years - the fear that he is not really needed. Conventionally, this scenario is called "marginal", and is manifested in the fact that a person relinquishes all social functions (creating a family, building a career, communication, etc.). Sometimes a person creates his own "world" for himself, limiting his needs to a minimum, sometimes it really can end with literal marginalization of the lifestyle or "simple" loneliness under the motto "I don't trust anyone", "I have already tried, and it did not work out, more you won't get me."

The greatest danger of the scenario is that the inner impulse for development, for the desire to become Oneself and to know, to realize Oneself-Present, may end. This scenario is easy to "play", although this "game" is very sad - but, unfortunately, the habit of rejecting help and even the very idea that something can help me is developed rather quickly. It is this scenario that is often “to blame” for the fact that people leave therapy without receiving a result, that “nothing works” for them, and even an already acquired resource is instantly lost and devalued. As well as with the first scenario, the "pulling" from the side cannot work with the fourth! A person should start to believe, start trust, ask for and accept help, see and consolidate the result. Only when the inner impulse is alive, and leads the person forward, is it possible to suppress the last scenario.