2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One of my adult clients once said at a consultation that he was very grateful to his mother for the fact that when he was a child, she directly, on the forehead, told him everything that she thinks about him - about his mental abilities, laziness, excess weight, impracticality, etc.
At the same time, he never had a trusting relationship with his mother, his upbringing was authoritarian, which ended in the desired removal from the family with contacts as needed.
I ask, what was it good for you?
Answer - I now adequately assess myself, I do not consider myself the navel of the earth in comparison with my ex-wife. Her parents all childhood, and even now, praised her for everything that she did and did not do, "you are the best, you are a fine fellow, a good girl."
And what is the bottom line?
She does not put anyone in anything, not even her parents, she allows herself to humiliate, yell, swear at her daughter, at her friends, who, in general, are no longer there, at an elderly, loving mother and younger sister. She is the best, and there are morons and idiots all around. And by the way, the whole world around my client is divided into black and white, good and bad. He is over 40, and youthful ardor is always with him. An adult with adolescent categorization.
Where is it from?
From childhood. Mom is a person of mood, with a high degree of unpredictability - in a good mood she praises, in a bad mood she vilifies everything. Moreover, most likely, he praises quite stereotypically, not for specific results, but for what he is always for: you are kind, unenviable, compliant. And if he scolds, then, I assure you, he will remember everything in detail. Naturally, it hurts self-esteem. Painful and strong. I want to leave, run away, leave, dissolve. It doesn't help to be insolent in response. This is in childhood. And in adulthood, an accomplished person, such criticism is assessed as good.
Why?
Because he compensated, accepted and fell in love with himself as he is, accordingly, he considers his upbringing to be correct, but how could it be otherwise, because he would not have been like this without those parental measures.
The story described is an uneven road, it is unknown whether or not it will lead to adequacy and full-fledged maturation. And it is already known, perhaps, to all those interested (thanks to the numerous literature on this topic) how to praise so as not to over praise and how to criticize a child so as not to humiliate the personality.
Just in case, I'll write again. Praise - sincerely, informally, deservedly, praise the actions and deeds of the child, and not himself.
Compare: "Well done, you drew a good dog" and "You drew such lively eyes that the dog looks like a real one." Criticizing - the actions, actions of the child, without affecting his personality, if emotions are captured, name your feeling out loud. Compare: “How stupid you are, I told you a hundred times to collect your textbooks in the evening, otherwise you will be late. And you are late as always”and“I get angry when you are late due to disorganization. If you had collected the textbooks in the evening, there would have been no such problems."
And one more magic formula: regardless of the situation, the child must be sure that he is loved - do not forget to tell him about it, even if you criticize him, scold him or name him. And I’ll also tell you about one interesting observation: working with children who do poorly at school, developing memory, attention and thinking, after a while I notice an interesting effect - self-esteem and self-confidence increase.
Why is this happening?
Partly from the development of the processes that we are working on, and partly from the congruent feedback: in this task you did not finish and you did worse than you could, what do you think - why? And in this task you were the winner - you did not give up, even when there was almost no strength and you completed it 100%. The child evaluates himself more adequately, forming his “I”.
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