Would You Fly Away?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This picture evokes their own associations for everyone. One thing is clear: "God forbid to be in a state of choice!" But the irony of fate is that we have to make this choice to one degree or another all the time. Someone imposes this metaphor on relationships with friends, in a work team, someone on partnerships. I remembered this picture in connection with the study of parent-child relations. When we look at two pigeons, each has an ambivalent feeling. And the provocative phrase: "Would you fly away?" - generally drives you into a stupor. Like that poster, imprinted in the subcortex since childhood: "Have you signed up as a volunteer?"

And then the internal throwing begins. "Of course, I won't fly! I'll be there!" But somewhere quietly in the depths of my soul a thin little voice appears: "Or maybe it can fly? It's a pity to refuse such an opportunity to spread your wings and fly a little higher, see the world in all its glory, breathe in the air deeply and try to feel it, Happiness! But what will they say? people? And how to live on with the decision made, whatever it may be?"

As both a daughter and a mother of two grown children, I now clearly understand the feelings of both characters.

As a mother, I understand the need to let the children fly free, entrust them with their own Destiny, stop worrying myself and worry them with my participation. Sometimes we do not feel the border that can no longer be crossed. They are already adults, and I, like many mothers, still communicate with those five-year-olds who once needed my help so badly. And often I have to remind myself how old I am now and how old my children are, that I have my own life, my own interests and my own strengths for further movement. And I will not go to the bottom if the child dares to take off. I have enough strength to open my cage (there is no lock on it, did you notice?) And fly in my direction, towards my horizons. Moreover, the faster the child takes off, the sooner I will have to get out of my own cage. And I feel proud when I see my children in independent life, absolutely ready to make decisions and take responsibility for them. My task is to support, accept their choice and not interfere, not give assessments and advice. Bert Hellinger says: "You shouldn't worry about grown-up children. We do not help with this, we take away their strength. Trust their fate!"

I try very hard to follow this principle and develop trust in the world. It works more often, but parenting attacks still happen from time to time. There is an irresistible desire to keep abreast of events and control the situation, which already has an indirect relationship to me. Like yesterday, for example, I began to worry that my son did not call when he got to the place of work, and I myself could not get through to him. I suddenly realized that instead of trust and calm expectation, I began to make attempts to find it, thereby confirming my parental competence and influence. When the son was told that his mother was asking to call back, he was quite rightly offended, asking me directly: "Did you send your son to kindergarten? And you worry if he got there?")))))) Now this situation looks funny, yesterday was not really.

As a daughter, I am constantly faced with the choice of whether to take responsibility for my mother, if so, to what extent. And the most important question is: why? Because since childhood I have formed the habit of being a mother to my mother? Consider yourself stronger, wiser, more capable? Is it completely unfounded to believe that she lacks her own strength to live? Choosing not to live for yourself to keep it from going down? "Mommy, I will die for you!" - a childish decision made in deep childhood completely unconsciously, which has a constant destructive effect on everyone. On me, who from time to time refuses to fly and live her own life, on my mother, who from my care becomes completely helpless (why act on my own, if you can shift the responsibility to someone else?), On my children, who are deprived of a huge share my energy, which I do not direct forward, but cry back. As soon as I choose to intervene in my mom's life, helping her solve issues that she can easily cope with on her own, something happens to my children. Like a bell: return to the family, remember who you are a mother. The ladder rushes from top to bottom! The energy of life flows from parents to children, and not vice versa - this is one of the most important orders of love. We have received so much from our parents that we will never be able to pay off. Therefore, we should transfer life and energy further, to our children, giving them the opportunity to fly, and not become attached to us just because it is so commanded by the laws of conscience. This does not mean at all to stop helping your parents, it means not to destroy your life, to choose yourself, your movement first. Give your help to parents out of excess, and not out of the need to maintain balance between cells.

And this is again about trust in the world, in the fate of your parents. About the opportunity to live a fulfilling life, experiencing happiness without an admixture of bitterness and guilt for your own flight.