It Would Be Better If You Weren't There

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The other day Larissa was at her grandmother's. The grandmother is 80 years old, has a bunch of different diseases, and she regularly talks about her suffering and pain. And always in a scolding form: "Oh, what a terrible and awkward leg I have, it does not go away, everything hurts, I should cut it off." This time it was the same, she started with herself, then switched to her children - Larisa's mother and uncle.

They were unlucky with their health since childhood, both have serious illnesses that brought everyone a lot of suffering and difficulties, feelings of guilt and shame. Larisa always knew about this, both her grandmother and her mother said a lot about this, but only in the bosom of her family - a story familiar to her. And then Larisa first drew attention to the form, heard her reaction to this form - and her hair stood on end.

Grandmother began with how she felt sorry for her granddaughter Larisa, because she came to her at night after work tired. She switched to her daughter - how she suffers from her illnesses and how painful her life is. And she went on to her son - that everything is bad with him and she did not want such a life for him. And then she said this phrase. A phrase that Larisa heard a million times from her, from her mother, and which she herself often repeated before, and which now no, no, and she will break out or think about it.

“It would be better if they weren't. It would be better if I never gave birth to them, since they suffer so much."

Seriously, is it better?

It was terrifying to hear that. And it hurts so much that tears well up in my eyes.

This phrase elevates suffering to such an absolute. Suffering and pain are so pervasive and terrible that everything fades away next to them, becomes so small and unimportant. Even life.

The gamut of feelings from the realization that this message lies deep in family history, and not only in Larissa.

• Better not to live than to suffer from illness.
• It is better not to love than to suffer from parting.
• Better not to take risks than to suffer failure.
• Better not to have than to suffer loss.

And if Larisa suddenly does all this and suffers, then her relatives are so unbearable that they want her not to be. Out of pity and compassion, they want.

And as if there are no ways to cope with suffering, except to wish that it was not. Well, you can still scold and blame, punish yourself and others.

That Larisa tried to do most of her life. But it didn't get any easier.

Then, mainly through therapy, she began to experience that, in fact, you can feel pain and suffering, and still live. And don't just live, enjoy life! Do not destroy yourself and do not destroy others by this.

• That pain is a normal and ordinary part of life that has a beginning and an end. Everyone has something of their own at some point. Physically and mentally.
• That suffering has a beginning and an end. If the pain and experiences from this pain are noticed, then they tend to transform and end.
• That the observation of physical and mental pain leads to the fact that you can ask for help on time. And ignoring - to complications and running processes, which are very difficult to cope with later.
• That it is easier to notice and experience pain next to a person you trust, who is stable enough to listen, not wave it off and rush to "save" ahead of time.

Returning to her grandmother and mother, Larisa understood perfectly well that they did not have such people nearby in sufficient numbers, and there was a lot of suffering. My grandmother was 3 years old when the war started, and it was about survival. It is unlikely that any of the adults cared about the emotional experiences of children. When my mother was little, my grandmother and grandfather worked from morning till night, then my mother's illness, my uncle's - also in the first place was survival. And life felt like suffering without beginning or end.

When Larisa was born, the situation and life were already different, but the family's lifestyle and worldview remained the same.

Larisa remembers herself when she already had the experience of personal therapy, a long-term therapeutic group and the knowledge that if someone cries about her pain, she will feel better. She cried a lot, but it was not easy! Let go of the voltage release for half an hour - and all over again. And how Larisa was jealous when she watched the work in the group, where it was clear that something was happening to people, how they find the end of their suffering. And she wondered why they could, but she couldn't.

Because Larisa somewhere deeply believed that her suffering was the most, the most painful, her pain was the most painful. That not a single person in the world can withstand her experiences - he will get scared, run away, get angry, start saving. Like her family. And there were such, by the way. Larissa took care of many - good people, why would she torment them.

Gradually, quantity began to turn into quality. Larissa began to notice that other people's sufferings are also not small, and some are bigger than her - and nothing, they do not run away from them, and she does not fall apart being next to them. She began to allow herself more - and, finally (!), Larisa began to feel better. Not always, not with everyone and not every pain she can share, there is still room to move, but slowly she began to come to the idea that suffering for her is bearable and of course. And then

"It's good that I am, even if it hurts."

But still. Despite the therapy, all the awareness and understanding of many of her processes, Larisa notices how at the most inopportune moment, sometimes in various areas of life, the thought “it would be better if it weren’t” pops up.

• It hurts me, it's difficult in a relationship - to hell, it’s better if they don’t exist.
• I am covered with emotions - to score, it is better to look through social networks.
• My project is not moving - it's better to leave everything in fig.
• I found a "dumb" part of myself - to throw stones and bury.

And each time Larisa does a lot of inner work through effort and resistance, which begins with a question. Is it really better? Do I really want it not to be? Is that all? And possible pleasure and joy, and pride, and tenderness? Each time you have to start looking for value, for the sake of which it will make efforts and go against the built-in default desire to destroy suffering and pain at any cost.

Will it end someday? So that by default, instead of “it would be better if it weren’t,” the thought “this will pass, too” pops up. Larissa doesn't know. Doesn't know if this happens at all. Knows that it becomes easier not to believe in getting rid of pain through destruction. And it's easier to experience suffering when it's just a part of life. This is enough for Larisa today.

Larissa is a fictional character that I have already written about before. Coincidences with real people and events are random.