2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Fatigue, which accumulates in mothers, is not physical to a greater extent (although this happens), but rather of a moral plan:
- I can no longer sit in four walls!
- I want to go to the toilet alone!
- I want to be alone without anyone!
What do we hear here? We hear a person who meets the needs of the child, while sacrificing his own. It is this mechanism - to sacrifice one's own needs - that is responsible for fatigue.
Our psyche perceives any sacrifices as a serious deprivation. And he seeks to compensate, for example, there is a desire "to drop everything and run away." If compensation is not possible, irritation and depression occur.
Well, okay, you say. What about the child? He also has a bunch of needs that someone must satisfy. And who, if not me, will do this? That's right, we also satisfy the needs of the child. And we will feel better when we can satisfy both our own and children's needs to the fullest extent.
Perhaps you noticed (maybe even on your own) that mothers of two or three children manage as much as mothers of first-borns? How do they do it? After all, according to the logic of things, the load should increase? The answer is this: first, they learned to combine their needs with the needs of the child. And by the birth of the second, they already have experience of what to do and how to be in most situations.
Let me give you an example
I was told a story once. The husband comes home, the wife asks him to look after the child while she bathes. The child immediately crawls to gnaw the wires. The father takes it and turns it the other way. The child naturally crawls to gnaw the wires. Dad turns him the other way again. What is the child doing? Right! Crawling to gnaw wires again! Mom gets out of the shower on the fifteenth try. And her husband, thoughtfully so, says:
- Yes, it's hard for you, probably, with him like this all day, ONE ONE)
Dad in the example did as he used to - he fought. I wondered, what would I do if I were my dad? After all, it is obvious that a child has 24 hours a day to fight with his parents. Parents simply do not have such time. This means that children do not need to be fought, because they are clearly more likely to win.
In the example, dad was spending his time fighting. Then he will say that the child did not let him set the table. I would have thought what else could be done. Not the best thoughts from the category of Forbid-Take-Distract immediately come to mind:
- You can remove the wires, - You can remove them completely (under the plinth, for example, or nailed to the floor), - You can distract the child with something.
These methods reduce the degree of struggle for a short time. But they do not remove the struggle to the end, because they do not take into account the child's need:
- The child will try to get the wires, - Tear them off the plinth, - He will remember about them tomorrow (the mission is not finished, he will be interested in them until he satisfies ALL his curiosity).
These methods do not satisfy the child's need, therefore:
- He will not be satisfied. Dissatisfaction will be expressed by whims. Parents will get tired and nervous from whims.
- He will gnaw the wires until his parents see it (he now knows that he will not be given).
- He will perceive parents as an obstacle in his path of exploring the world, and not as support. And he will begin to hide. When such a child has problems in kindergarten / school, parents will be the last to know about them.
What we have in the end. At first, the parents did not let the child do what he wanted, the child got bored - and now he will not give the parents a break.
Therefore, the best option is to give the child what he wants to receive. Give him a wire (since he wants a wire), but safe: not plugged into an outlet and unnecessary. (I gave this text to women to read, everyone said in a voice: “And clean!” Okay, I agree. Give the child a safe, unnecessary and clean wire:))
In this variant, the fight is almost completely eliminated. The child's need is met. And parents act as people who care about his safety and help (!) Satisfy curiosity.
As a result, everyone is happy. Mom washed, dad gave the child everything he needed. The child is busy for a while. Parents will have time to set the table. No whims, no fatigue. There is time to set the table and peace of mind;)
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