How Childhood Traumas Manifest In Marital Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

All childhood traumas are manifested in the marital relationship. The partner's behavior often resembles that of a parent or other significant person from childhood. And then we "automatically" fall into the state of a child, feel and behave the way we used to behave in childhood. In order to change this destructive interaction, it is important to separate the personality of the partner from the person he resembles. These are different people. And when separation occurs, it is easier for us to feel like adults, maintaining our sanity in any situation. For example, a partner says something hurtful. If you close down or show aggression in response, you are in the state of a child who is used to reacting that way. If you start to shame, teach your partner - you go into a state of critical parenting. The same mechanism works for a partner in relation to you. How to become an adult and maintain a relationship? Practical example. A young woman, let's call her Lilia, came to a psychologist for an answer to the question - to get a divorce or not? According to her, Lilia's husband, about once every six months, arranges "angry tantrums" out of nowhere. He showered his wife with insults, foul language, demanding: "Leave him alone" and threatening to leave the family. Then the insults are replaced by silence. After a few days of silence, the husband “thaws out” and the relationship continues as if “nothing had happened”. To all the questions from his wife, the husband says: “Forget it, it's all over, I can't live without you and my son.” I suggest Lilia draw her relationship with her husband. The following figure turned out. - I see THREE figures. Why is there a son in the picture of marital relations? - I appreciate that my husband is a wonderful father, he takes care of me and the child, spends a lot of time with his son, plays with him. I am a "workaholic", my husband often replaces both father and mother for his son. - I hear that you value your husband as the father of your common child. And the drawing is an illustration of you as parents. As if the parenting role in your relationship with your husband is more important than the marital role. - And there is. - I don't see my husband's “angry tantrum” in the picture, where is she? - She's not here. I’ll draw it now.

- How do you feel when your husband becomes angry? - I'm scared. I seem to still hear my husband screaming. - Have you heard similar screams before? When? “It’s very much like my mother yelled at me as a child. - Husband's scream reminds you of childhood events, and you feel like little Lilya. The child really cannot withstand the anger of the parents. But, now you are an adult. The husband is not a mother. And you can talk to your husband about your feelings. - I understand this, I try to speak, but I can't. The husband snaps: "Don't bother me." I would like to add a mirror to the drawing so that the husband can see how terrible he is in anger.

- When your husband is “angry”, do you try to show him how awful he is? Are you criticizing him? - It turns out that so … - How does the husband feel when the "mirror" appears? - He's even more angry, he doesn't know what to do. - What associations does blue cause? - Powerlessness, loss, fear. - It turns out that you paint an evil husband with a color that you associate with powerlessness, loss. Imagine yourself as a husband in the picture, how does he feel? - I feel like a small, lost boy who is angry, but cannot do anything, only screams from powerlessness. - What makes him so angry? “It makes him angry that I look like his mother. It seems to him that I am just as cold and indifferent to him. - Are you, Lilia, really cold and indifferent to your husband? - No, I love him, and I tell him about it. - I want to see how you do it? I can take the place of your husband. How do you like this idea? - Yes, it is interesting. Standing in the “husband’s place”, I saw a young woman who moved away from me as much as possible - “husband”, pressed her body into the back of the chair, all bent like a treble clef. He looks sullenly, a cold, prickly look.- Why do you need me? - I need you to support me. - Am I a stand for you, or what? You do not appreciate my efforts, my concern for the preservation of the family. I have so much anger and chest pain. Immediately I feel powerless and I want to take revenge on the offender. Or, move away: "Oh, so you don't love me, then I'll leave you!" - Well, go away. You behave disgustingly, I am ashamed of your behavior. - Everything, nailed, like a criticizing mother. And again, as in childhood, I feel like a "bad" boy. - Now let's switch roles. I will be you, and I will say what you are usually silent about, and you are Lily, be a husband. - Good. From the role of Lilia, I sit down in a chair, on the contrary, the body itself leans towards the “husband”. - I'm very scared when you scream like that. I do not know what to do. When I was a child, my mother also screamed at me. I understand that you are not a mother. But, as usual, I shrink with fear. And then I start criticizing you. It seems to me that this is how I protect myself. For me, you are a very important person in my life. You are very dear to me, dearer than anyone else in the world. I would like each of us to talk about what is really important to him, so that we can hear each other. Lilia's lips trembled as her husband, tears came out. - It's so unexpected. And so nice. Especially, to hear that I am an important person in your life. - I understood, my husband does not have enough confirmation from me that I need him. And I also realized that during the conflict we remember childhood traumas, both become like offended, frightened children, AND BOTH cover up our fear with aggression. - In the picture in your family, no one has faces. What will change if faces appear? - We will start to see each other.

- It is very important to really see the real person behind the partner's behavior, and not the parent he looks like. A husband in anger looks like your mother, but he is not your mother, he is your husband. And when you understand that the husband is not a mother, it is easier to feel like an adult woman, the wife of this man. And communicate with him from the position of an adult, and not a little offended girl. Today you are in therapy, and I am for you the mirror that you wanted to offer to your husband. It is enough to see your mistakes and change your behavior, then the husband's behavior will change. - It is very important for me that I saw my mistakes. I know what I will tell my husband. Now it’s even funny for me to think about divorce. Is it possible to part with the person you love. When you behave like an adult, it is also easier for your partner to transition into adulthood. Your transition to an adult position brings him back to reality, reminds that both of you are adults and can negotiate.

Other articles on similar topics:

Is a status man for you?

How to become a real woman, get married and stay there.

If the husband works a lot and earns little.

So they would have lived all their lives …