2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The middle-aged man thought that his daughter was 18. Now, in his opinion, they are farther apart than they were before.
He divorced her mother when she was 2.5 years old. Then he came to visit her, took her for walks, paid alimony. When she grew up, they went to the cinema together to watch cartoons.
Then she got older, she had friends with whom she spent time. He was no longer needed for going to the cinema and walking in the park. They saw each other less and less. The main meetings took place when he transferred money. Thinking about it, he was sad and longing for those times when they spent time together. He understood that time passes and everything changes.
There were moments when the mother of his daughter called him and asked him to talk to her, about her behavior, fix, "fix", influence. While talking with his daughter, he heard complaints about his mother, who does not give passage: either clean the room, then sit down and eat, then do not sit at the computer, etc. At such times, he was an opportunity for them to complain about each other. Became the third in their relationship, through which they tried to transmit messages to each other.
Yes, there have been and remain oddities in the relationship. But in this way they showed concern for each other. When the daughter yielded and did what the mother wanted, she calmed down and the girl felt important to her. She is responsible for the emotional comfort of the mother. On the one hand, she rebel against her, wanting autonomy, and on the other, she stays with her, while having emotional attachment and financial dependence.
He thought about how hard it would be for his daughter if her relationship with her mother remained in this format. He was surprised that his ex-wife did not notice what was happening.
From time to time, the daughter announced that she wanted to quit her studies and college. The mother lamented that it was impossible, said that her daughter should finish her studies and asked him to help. Then the girl took up her studies, and her ex-wife lamented that she was sitting at textbooks until nightfall. And the daughter tries, prepares for exams, does not sleep, does not eat in order to please the mother and satisfy her desire.
When the daughter made a choice (for example, which institute to go to), her mother told her not to regret it later. My daughter successfully passed the exams, entered the budget and after a while, following the instructions of the mother, regretted her choice, devaluing the educational institution. And later, she left him, planning a trip abroad in order to earn money. After all, higher education in this case is not important.
The man watched this and eventually realized that the place that was offered to him in this relationship did not suit him. He did not want to be a mediator in their "fight" and therefore suggested a joint visit to a psychologist. There he hoped that responsibility for the feelings and experiences of the mother would be removed from his daughter. This should soften the process of separation (her separation from the parental family). But to this he heard that the psychologist would not help.
It seemed to him that in this situation the psychologist was more important for the mother than for the daughter. Most of all, it was the ex-spouse who was not satisfied with the behavior of the child, who must first of all take into account the feelings of the mother and behave according to her expectations. And also - to be responsible for the emotional state and life of the mother.
True, what kind of "child" is she when she is already 18 years old? She is already able to make decisions herself and realize her goals. But she has to take care of her mother, fulfilling her desires and not thinking about her own, independent life. Play along with your beloved mother, while remaining a stupid little girl who, it seems, needs a "walker". Few would agree to this.
At such moments, the man had a question: why did he and his wife give birth to the baby? Why did they give birth to a child? For her to serve her mother? He was angry and was against it. As a father, he saw what was happening - an attempt to tie his daughter near him, using guilt, proving that something was wrong with her.
The same thing happened to him in his parental family. Everything was repeated, only now they are doing this with his daughter, inviting him to take part in this.
He was sorry that his daughter was accepting the path she was offered, but he was proud of her. After all, she is ready to sacrifice her own life for the peace and well-being of her mother, in this he saw her strength. Whatever choice she makes, his love for her remains as strong as it ever was.
From SW. Gestalt therapist Dmitry Lenngren
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