Intolerable Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I walk on the threshold of the school, the tension builds up, I walk down the corridor, I have an incomprehensible anxiety and expectation in my soul, a well-forgotten anxiety, like in childhood, when I did something at school, you know what will get you and wait …. I went up to the office door, inhale and exhale, raised my hand to knock, but my hand hung in the air, SCARY !!!

I close my eyes and inside the picture flashes, a kind of flashback: I am walking in the park with a stroller, and in it my little son, wrapped in overalls, is sleeping, a nipple in his mouth and such happiness envelops from this contemplation. I opened my eyes and I understand that the reality is different, my "baby" is 6, 5 years old, he is a first grader and he has terrible behavior problems, every day I follow him to school as to Calvary, even before the office I am often intercepted on the way by angry mothers: “He beat my Pavlik again! Do something with it! He is unbearable! " Or the teacher will complain: "He disrupted the lesson, he cannot sit in one place, he constantly shouts out, distracts his classmates!" I am silent, bowing my nose, tears are about to sprinkle from my eyes from resentment, shame and self-pity. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???

Such an internal monologue may be familiar to many parents and, by the way, not only mothers, but also fathers.

The beginning of the school year, September and October, are often quite measured and smooth for psychologists. And by the beginning of November, the "Brownian movement" begins, and parents of 6-7 year olds often turn to about adaptation at school, difficult relationships with classmates, the impossibility of organizing the educational process at home, etc. But one of the most common reasons for contacting a psychologist - this is the so-called bad behavior of boys.

"My son is fighting!"

COMMON SITUATION? THEN LET'S SEE WHAT COULD HIDE BEYOND THIS BEHAVIOR IN BOYS?

Case 1

If your son is “good” at home and unbearable at school.

Once a mother asked for help on the issue of her seven-year-old son, who was in the first grade. According to his mother, the boy is very successful in his studies, there are no problems with lessons, he grasps everything on the fly, knows everything, copes well with teaching activities. At home, he helps mom in everything, obeys the first time, very neat and diligent. The boy has a wonderful contact with his father, they spend a lot of time together, play, walk. But at school - this is a completely different child, fights with everyone, any comment from classmates is perceived as a threat and climbs into a "battle", in the lesson makes noise, spins, distracts a neighbor, but when the teacher asks, he knows everything and answers " Hurrah". Gradually it became clear: he likes to be in the spotlight and interacts better when he is paired with someone, when a third person appears, he is noticeably nervous and tries to draw attention to himself.

After some interaction with the family, it was found that the child has two conflicts that he cannot cope with, and they manifest themselves in behavior.

Conflict 1:

many requirements were initially imposed on the child, the parents were successful people and wanted high results from their son in all areas. The family was extremely correct and controlling, the mother loved order in everything, since childhood, her son had a lot of "no's" and many "well-bred children don't behave like that." Not wanting to lose the love and affection of his parents, the child easily accepted all family norms, but a storm raged inside, which always burst out outside the house when there were no controlling eyes. School, especially during breaks, is the place where the child does not feel boundaries at all and has a hard time coping with new requirements. Therefore, all their energy and innate aggression (and, as you know, boys are quite often from birth more aggressive than girls), children with this style of upbringing can bring to school.

Conflict 2:

from 4-6 years old, all children go through the so-called triangle of development or the Oedipus conflict in their development. Its essence is that the child experiences jealousy and envy of the parent of the opposite sex and wants to subconsciously take his place. At this age, girls often "marry" their dad, and boys want to "marry" their mothers. With a successful resolution of this conflict, each child accepts the fact that the parents are a couple, and I am the third in their relationship. When a child has such a triangle in his head: I-MAMA-DAD, then he is ready in life for the appearance of third objects. I AM THE PARENTS-SCHOOL OR I AM MY CLOSE FRIEND IS THE SCHOOL, or I AM THE INSTITUTE-HOUSE, OR I AM MY HUSBAND / WIFE-CHILD. In general, in life then a person is faced in his head with various triangles that make up his relationship, his life, his work, his life as a whole.

In the case of the child described above, he never got out of the relationship of the paired I-MOM or I-DAD, I-THE WHOLE WORLD, I-SCHOOL, I-TEACHER. Accordingly, it is unbearably difficult for him in a relationship when there is someone other than him. He easily interacts with either mom or dad. The teacher, too, in his head was supposed to be only him, sharing him with everyone in the class was unbearable. The unconscious struggle in the child's head was expressed in actions: “when I distract classmates, the teacher pays attention to me, it means that he is only mine now,” and pugnacity and irascibility are also a way to “neutralize” opponents. In his head there was a struggle for his place "in a pair".

How can you help a child with similar conflicts and similar behavioral symptoms?

To resolve conflict # 1 for a particular child, parents needed to weaken control at home, give a little more freedom and initiative in daily activities, give the opportunity for his natural aggression and energy to splash out where it should be - IN A SAFE ENVIRONMENT. A boy should have the right to express negative emotions, anger, anger, sometimes even hatred in the family. He is already having a hard time in his soul, he fights for the attention of his mother, and dad is so strong, invincible, and even worse, an adult. So being angry and aggressive is a way to express your strength and nature.

For his psycho-emotional health, a boy from 4 to 6/7 years old has the right:

- to argue and sometimes win in disputes;

- not be as clean as girls of his own age;

- play monsters, crashes, war games, run, jump;

- try to spit and not express yourself correctly;

- give back when he is beaten;

- show a lot of initiative and get approval for it.

At the same time, if the child has a sufficiently good, caring family, sufficiently educated parents, a healthy environment around, the child is able to fully master the norms of behavior and grow up to be a sufficiently cultured, intellectually developed, emotional person. And at school he will not have the desire to throw out his energy and protest !!!!

To resolve conflict # 2 in this family, the difficulty was that the mother herself blocked the growing up of her son and hardly accepted his emotions in relation to the father. The boy wanted to spend more time with him, play, compete, participate in the life of his father, but his mother felt incredible jealousy at such moments and prevented such communication, intervening, correcting and controlling it. To resolve the Oedipus conflict, it is important to allow the child to communicate freely, expressing his emotions openly, with the fathers. And such free interaction is always born in the form of an opportunity in the mother's head. The idea of the appearance of the third in a pair is initiated by the mother in the form of simple signals, symbols, ideas, actions, decisions. Often a child's unresolved conflict is a problem within the mother herself. In solving this conflict, during corrective work, the psychologist acts as the third figure that appears inside the couple and processes all the emotions that arise within this process. The experience of the triangle from the psychologist's room is then transferred to the family and to the surrounding world as a whole.

Case 2

If the child is unbearable both at home and at school?

It so happens that in a complete family, with normal, rather caring parents, the child grows up simply unbearable. Have you noticed that there are children, both girls and boys, from whom everyone gets tired, they exhaust others and by their very appearance cause tension, irritation and a desire for them to disappear. At the same time, experiencing similar feelings in relation to this type of children, adults, especially parents, at the same time feel incomprehensible, but constantly pressing GUILT. So these feelings constantly replace each other: irritation, aggression against the child cause corresponding reactions in relation to him, and then emptiness ensues, behind which lies guilt, shame, pity …

Once the mother of a seven-year-old boy turned for help. A complete family, caring parents, a rather sympathetic dad in all respects, an emotional, lively mom. But when he met the boy, he literally by his mere appearance in the room began to cause irritation and a desire to "turn off" from him, distance himself, ignore. What is wrong with the child? And how can you help him?

With some interaction with her mother, it was found that before pregnancy she was successful in her career, earned good money and strived for further growth, the pregnancy was not expected for this woman. The child literally burst into her life, turning her upside down. The woman had to radically change her life. She went from being a successful businesswoman to an expecting housewife. The appearance of her son caused a lot of emotions in her, on the one hand, joy, pride, superiority, on the other, aggression, irritation and even hatred. When her son was born, she completely immersed herself in motherhood, provided good care, surrounded him with extra care, but at the same time behind such visible care there was a huge gap between them. The mother was emotionally unavailable, distant. Everything that the child needed emotionally, she could not give him. Therefore, from the very birth, the child received signals from his mother: I am superfluous, I should not be, I interfere. He was incredibly demanding of all adults and sought maximum attention, the boy was dragged to the doctors, even diagnosed with a "hyperactive child."

The problem with this family was that the mother did not initially accept within herself the idea that her son had prevented her from living, had violated it. She masqueraded these emotions as being cared for and cared for, while distancing her real emotions from the baby. The boy, on the other hand, was extremely lively and active, all that he sought with his behavior was confirmation of his existence, the right to life, to emotions. Both the house and the school were the place where he projected emotions, well-known from birth, but not at all understandable: irritation, aggression, the desire to “turn him off”. And, he received in response - "go away", "do not interfere." We must remember that those negative emotions that children evoke in us are an incredible emptiness inside the child himself. Here it is important to think and try to understand yourself, to be honest with yourself, this honesty can put things in order in the mother's head, and accordingly it will be broadcast to the child too. An idea may arise in my mother's head: “Yes, I have lost a lot, the child has burst into my life, I’m quite angry, but I can survive it!”. The paradox is that the mother devoted all the time to her son, but he never received real attention and "live" mother, respectively, fought for attention, causing irritation, anger with his behavior, and this is nothing more than an emotion, albeit negative colored, but real.

We remember that under the child's bad behavior, there is always a conflict hidden inside:

- the struggle for attention, for your place under the Sun;

- struggle against overprotectiveness, when the child literally "suffocates" from love;

- latent aggression due to the current external situation (jealousy, resentment, unnecessary demands, experiences, for example, divorce);

- a feeling of abandonment, loneliness, lack of understanding of the situation; the child feels bad.

Above, only two different situations were considered, which described what the school calls "your child has problems." It should be understood that every family is unique, we are all different, and seemingly understandable reasons for bad behavior are often very deeply hidden. No wonder they say: "Someone else's family, darkness." Inside these darkness, there is often a lot of pain, anxiety, sadness, emptiness, hatred, love at the same time, which lead to difficulties in relationships and, as a result, to bad behavior. Sometimes it is enough to “turn on the light” to see, but sometimes, turning on the light can only intensify the anxiety of “seen”. Therefore, parents often need help more than a difficult child!

Maria Grineva