HOW TO STRENGTHEN FAMILY RELATIONSHIP? AND STOP FIGHTING

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

HOW TO STRENGTHEN FAMILY RELATIONSHIP?

AND STOP FIGHTING.

These guidelines and exercises will help you better understand each other and build rapport.

It is important to remember that we are all tired of quarantine. The psyche was exhausted. Long-term stress has exacerbated fears, character traits, past problems, past conflicts. And everything spills out. Of course, it's okay to be angry. It is normal to feel anger and annoyance at the imposition of quarantine and the situation that we cannot change. It is not normal to vent your anger on loved ones. Beats - does not mean love. Violence is not acceptable in a relationship.

If you are angry and ready to explode, stop! Count to 10. 10 deep breaths. During this time, the intensity of the emotion will subside. And you will understand that it is not a matter of who fell by your arm.

• You may be tired. Or got a boss who is hysterical? Or do you want to retire?
• Or maybe there is too much intimacy and you and your partner are on the verge of merging?

Sometimes couples use conflict to increase the distance between themselves and not stick together, not merge together. Then it's time to set personal boundaries and take care of yourself.

And in some cases, partners use conflict to get attention. Especially when attention and support are not enough. But instead of a specific request, reproaches are poured in.

Conflict, like a time bomb, can explode out of the resentment and passive aggression that you have been saving up for each other over the years. That is, as a consequence of previously unresolved conflicts in a pair. It is important not to accumulate, but to discuss what you do not like.

Also, a conflict can arise in couples where one of the partners is not satisfied with sex. We all react to stress in different ways. Someone has such a mechanism of mental protection as sexualization, sex as a way to release tension. And for some, on the contrary - libido decreases under the influence of stress, the “freeze” reaction is triggered, as one of the three basic reactions to danger.

Slow down in your emotional reactions, stop and pay attention inward - how are you feeling? And how will this affect your family relationships?

• Limit your conflict! Invite your partner to talk “about it” in private at 9:00 pm after dinner, when the children have been put to bed. By this time, the emotional peak will pass for both and you will be able to tune in to a constructive dialogue. Engage in physical activity, work, or cleaning before that to sublimate your anger and channel your energy into a peaceful channel.
• We need to give each other the opportunity to be alone and relax from each other, plan your day and do each other your own business. Each family member - an adult or a child - should have “their own corner”, temporary and physical inviolability until they feel that they are ready to reunite again. During the pandemic, we all learned how to build borders - between countries, cities, people. And personal boundaries in the family are no exception.
• Everyone needs to develop personal boundaries. Be clear about your roles and prioritize based on them. We are tired of combining all the roles in one apartment in quarantine: mom, wife, mistress, remote employee, hostess, etc. If you are still working from home, then retire and tell everyone not to be touched. If your partner is working or a child is studying, show respect for their boundaries, do not touch them.
• If you need specific help, notify your partner in advance. No, he himself will not guess. For example, at breakfast, you can discuss plans for the day of each of the family members, talk over your requests. And in the evening to exchange impressions. Joint solution of everyday issues brings partners closer together. And feats alone and resentment for not being appreciated or noticed - increases hostility.
• Develop emotional closeness in your family. Pay attention to your feelings, live, and do not suppress emotions. Share your experiences and joys with each other. After all, it is much easier to admit that you are annoyed, hungry or tired and ask you to help you with something specific, instead of breaking off and yelling at your partner.
• Family rituals like watching a movie on Fridays, Sunday brunch, and going out with the kids on weekends will strengthen your relationship.

EXERCISE TO BETTER UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER:

Understanding and speaking the same language with another person can be more difficult than learning Japanese. But it is possible.

Try instead of reproaches to build a dialogue according to the rules of "THREE QUESTIONS". These questions will show your partner that their feelings and opinions are important to you, and then direct the dialogue towards resolving the conflict for the benefit of both of you.

1️. WHAT is important to you now?

2️. Why is THIS important to you now?

3️. How do you think we can solve this problem so that we BOTH WELL?

You and your partner are different. And your reactions to stress can be different, too. Your psyche handles in different ways - so try not to criticize loved ones if they react differently than you do. Someone becomes very active and experiences emotions. And someone closes in on himself and wants to be left alone.

Explore how you and your partner are different and get to know each other to get closer! Our psychic defenses and stress responses are unconscious.

You will not remake your partner. Never.

But you can learn to understand it! Try to see in yourself the qualities of a partner, putting yourself in his place and try to understand how he is feeling.

• During the quarantine, the INTERNAL critic was strongly activated in us. Don't criticize yourself. And stop at the moment when you want to criticize your loved ones. In fact, these are your own projections onto another. During the stress and adjustment period after quarantine, we need support, not criticism.
• Notice how your partner influences you and how you influence your partner. For example, you feel bad, but he blames and reproaches you instead of supporting you. Of course, this makes you even worse, it's unpleasant. How do you behave when your partner feels bad? Are you making fun or angry with him? Do you support or criticize?

EXERCISE TO DEVELOP MUTUAL SUPPORT IN PAIR:

Divide a piece of paper in two.

On the left half of the sheet, write what qualities you have that support your partner? What is it about you that can help and cheer up your man? List these qualities.

Now think about your partner. What qualities help you feel calmer? How do you feel supported by his actions? Write down its qualities on the right half of the sheet.

Take a look at your lists.

Now think

✔️ What can you do to show your supportive qualities more often when communicating with your partner?

✔️ How can you enable your partner to show more of his qualities so that he often supports you in difficult times?

I wish you love and understanding!

Take care of yourself and your loved ones!

ELENA ERMOLENKO

Family psychologist. Psychoanalyst

Expert in Female Psychosexual Development

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