Psychohygiene. Criticism

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-18 02:26

People exchange information, as all living beings on earth do. Even bacteria communicate with each other using certain chemicals. They inform their neighbors in the microbial colony what is happening there outside of their population. What about food, oxygen, enemy bacteria and viruses, and in general … is there life behind a Petri dish.

In psychology, there is a lot of talk about messages - "mutual stroking". These are situations when we tell each other that we are pleasant and accepted from each other. It's like mutual compliments, but in everyday life such positive support is less noticeable and happens almost automatically. We like the person, we send him signals that he is OK, and he returns the same to us.

But people not only praise each other. A lot of relationships and interactions are OK, and many are not OK. So, the same integral part of psychological interactions is the message to others that you do not feel good in a relationship. Incidentally, this is also important. We all have mirror neurons that mediate the ability to empathize, but empathy is still largely a matter of imagination. People take into account what their own experience tells them. As a result, they can act with others as the contents of their psyche dictate to them. It is far from the fact that others want exactly what we think we would like in their place. Thus, it is very useful to communicate in words that I am not well, I do not want that, but I want it differently. In fact, inform the opponent that his behavior is undesirable. Another point that is necessary in a relationship is the opportunity to communicate your point of view, to tell how you see this or that situation. Compare the maps of the world, so to speak. Do you see what I see? Are we talking about one thing, or about different things? Situations may differ. The existence of one point of view can deny another, making it automatically wrong. Actually, these two types of messages form the basis of criticism. Naturally, you can tell everyone about this in different ways and with different goals. In this regard, the following types of criticism are distinguished:

Constructivewhen messages are aimed at improving the status quo, improving relationships, understanding each other better. At the same time, a person criticizing:

- is in a friendly mood. - does not cross social boundaries - does not get into the personal space of the criticized - is interested in working out some new solution - is ready to give up his position for the sake of consensus - does it in a timely manner, i.e. when correction of the situation is possible, he can clearly explain what he wants. 2. Unconstructive criticism associated with situations where it is useless. It can be given: - too late (you should have done …) - by an incompetent person (if I were a pilot …) - not applicable to a specific situation (what should be done with a noisy child, without knowing why the child is making noise) - the meaning of criticism contradicts the desire of the criticized (it is necessary to buy not apples, but pears. What to do, what do I want pears?) is based on someone else's experience, the value of which is questionable (here is my great-grandfather in 1812 …) 3. Destructive criticism, in fact, not criticism, but a form of aggression. Nobody is looking for any consensus, but satisfies their emotional needs, releasing various kinds of negativity on the criticized. Or, in this case, criticism is used as a manipulation tool. The main message of such criticism is to lower the opponent at least one step lower and thereby win. Make the other do what the critic wants. And if not to force to do, then, at least, to cause in the criticized a feeling of guilt and shame. At the same time, the critic usually cannot properly explain what he does not like specifically, what needs to be done to please him (“kill yourself against the wall” and absurd remarks do not count). His criticism sounds like an order and an insult. Such criticism is often based on personality assessments attributed to the critic. It is not necessarily destructive criticism - it is shouting and swearing. More often than not, everything goes quite calmly and even disguised as good intentions. Such destructive criticism is masked in order to reduce the victim's ability to defend himself or to somehow improve and be better. Consensus and precise directions are not included in the plans, because they make it meaningless to drain negative emotions onto the victim. For example, unsolicited advice is very often in fact destructive criticism. A mother-in-law eating her daughter-in-law's cake may give out the phrase "if you want to bake a really good cake, then you need to buy better quality products." This often implies that "the cake that you pretend to call good sucks, it's because you put all kinds of rubbish in it," which means "you are a trashy hostess." Such criticism is very often disguised as a desire for good, but in fact, such critics care very little about which cake comes out next. The second variant of disguised destructive criticism "Critical IMHO". People express their negative assessment of anything as an axiom. Because they see it that way. They refuse to discuss or somehow enter into a discussion about what they do not like. The main idea is that they can just speak in any form, any nasty thing, and others should listen to it. Moreover, gratitude and appreciation are expected for every tub of dirt they pour on the critic. Again, a lot comes from childhood. Often, parental criticism is not constructive, but rather manipulative. They try to evoke feelings of guilt and shame in the child. After the child is presented this as a manifestation of love. After all, if you do not criticize, then a person will not grow out of a child. If they criticize, it means they love, then they don’t give a damn about you. Now, if no one criticizes you, then no one needs you. The harsher the criticism, the more useful it is. Everyone should endure criticism, because it is "for the benefit" On this basis, there are several myths about criticism and its meaning in life:

1. Only insecure weaklings don't like criticism … In fact, among the streams of criticism towards any person, most of the criticism is non-constructive and destructive. For what purpose should these types of criticism be loved and endured? They are of little use in life. In addition to unpleasant emotions from the invasion of boundaries, a person receives nothing. In this case, a weakling can be called a person who does not protect himself from the flow of useless critical information, does not say "no" to "evil critics."
2. Criticizing people always give a person the opportunity to see himself from the other side.… In fact, critics have a very specific and far from unbiased view. They often just project their problems onto others. Information about the inner world and internal conflicts, criticism for most people is completely useless.
3. People around you know more about you, so you need to listen to what they tell you.… This statement echoes number 2. And even if they do know more, it is not at all necessary that their opinion about what they know will be correct and necessary.
4. If you said "A," be prepared to be stoned for it. Many people believe that any of your actions will untie the hands of others for any kind of aggression. It's like "came out in a short skirt, don't complain that you were raped, she wanted to." If posted photos, get a tub of brown IMHO in the face. Wrote about something personal in your diary, get ready to mix your personality with dirt.
5. If I want goodness for a person (even theoretically), then I can not restrain myself … "Good" is a very loose concept. Not all good is needed by someone.
6. If you are criticized, they want good for you.
7. Without criticism, you cannot become better than you are now. And if you refuse to listen to criticism in your address, then people will stop loving you.

Why do critics do this? One of the most serious factors pushing destructive criticism and part of non-constructive criticism is the presence of an inflated self. “I” is very significant, “my opinion is very important” for everyone, it cannot be disputed. If you say that my opinion is not important to you, then I can stop loving you (I will disfavor you!). Worse than this, nothing can be invented. And I will never tell you my opinion again. It's like anathema. Another reason, no less significant, is the very childhood habits associated with criticism. People sometimes simply do not think of other relationships, friendship and love. That is, how is this all, and without criticism? What to talk about? How to take care of friends, loved ones, relatives? Another important reason is that people do not know how to cope with their negative emotions, let them go in the right direction, without dumping them on others, raise their self-esteem by working on themselves, and not by humiliating others. And of course, not only critics play a role in this phenomenon. It is not only the content that is important, but also its perception. But this is next time.