Criticism And Critics: How To Handle Criticism Consciously?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In today's article, I will have to deprive some of us of the tool that we use without thinking. We use this psychological tool as self-defense, unconsciously. We use it without realizing that this method of self-defense, which it is, stops us in development and exacerbates robotic functioning in life.

It's about the "You project!" Defense mechanism.

The “You project” response is natural and understandable. Today's society is much more savvy in the subtle mechanisms of the functioning of the human psyche than, say, the society of the Middle Ages, where cruel flogging was preventive and was understood as a reasonable method of raising a child, and the main task of children was to do the dirtiest work around the house. We have made significant progress since then. We begin to recognize that the very quality of our life is conditioned by our emotions. In psychology, there is an understanding that it is emotions that help us determine where to go next. Our emphasis in parenting has progressed from focusing on the physical aspect of being to developing a healthy psyche. Many common psychological tricks are featured on social media. Projection and counter-projection are one such mechanism.

We try to force ourselves to understand, at least intellectually, at the level of thought, that what other people tell us is a reflection of their inner world. This is true: we have all come across the acrimonious statements of commentators on YouTube, who, instead of concentrating on the content of the video, are trying to pry the author of the video from all sorts of sides.

But here's the salt:

not every malicious comment, even if directed in our direction, elicits an emotional reaction in us.

Sometimes we really understand why our material, presence, or behavior has become irritants to another person. At the same time, we are absolutely sincerely aware of the fact that angry speech has nothing to do with us. Therefore, we completely sincerely ignore such statements, no matter how they are replete with vocabulary in five floors.

However, there is another kind of criticism. This is just that criticism which we perceive painfully. She clings to something inside us, and here we already want to believe that the comment has nothing to do with us, although we know, if we allow ourselves to be absolutely honest with ourselves, that our wound has been split open and a stick is now sticking out of it. …

It is in an attempt to defend against this type of comment that we throw out the "You project" counter-argument.

Think about the last time criticism hurt you, but you literally told yourself not to take it to heart. All the persuasive tools were used: for sure, one of them was "You project."

Notice how in the case of the first type of comments, the reaction was not triggered or clothed in words. There was simply no need for protection.

If you are experiencing a powerful emotional reaction to another person's words, your reaction is natural, normal, and justified. No one expects that if a person is struck on the leg with an iron stick, he will remain calm and will not feel the desire to pile on the offender. The same story with emotions: it is normal to experience this or that feeling as a reaction to the words of another person. It is only important to learn to discern what is really hidden in this emotion. We need to be able to recognize what emotion is trying to tell us.

The equanimity in response to hurtful criticism looks like violence against oneself and leads to suppression and aggravation of the reaction the next time.

If you feel that criticism has hurt you, use the following instruction:

1. Admit to yourself that the attack in your direction has hurt you

2. Determine what emotion this attack has caused in you. Try to name the emotion. The more clearly you can identify the emotion, the sooner you can heal the injured aspect of yourself and move on.

3. Remind yourself of the following rule:

criticism only hurts us if we are afraid that it contains the truth.

Ask yourself the following questions:

"If this man was right, how could he be right?"

"If I was afraid / afraid to recognize some aspect in myself, accepting criticism of this person, what aspect could it be?"

“Why am I so afraid that this criticism will turn out to be true? Why am I so scared that this person might be right?"

4. When the fearful aspect can be illuminated by deliberate concentration on it thanks to the above questions, try to find answers to the following questions:

"What part of me thinks I can be X?" (X is whatever quality, behavior, or trait our opponent has noticed.)

"When did I first feel like this?"

Here it is important to refrain from self-flagellation and approach the resolution of an unpleasant feeling with love and care. All of us, without exception, were emotionally traumatized in childhood: shaming, stigmatizing. Try to dig as deep as possible and find the earliest incident that you experienced this feeling.

5. Ask yourself: "What important need of mine was ignored and / or discounted in this situation as a child?"

Neglected needs can be overwhelming. This includes the need for support, approval, attention; physical needs may also apply.

6. Once you have identified an impaired and / or ignored need, aim to meet that need in a healthy way

First, imagine how this need is met in this early childhood memory. You can do visualization using magic power, inviting a loved one, friend, or animal you trust, or teleporting to a cozy place that would help change the spiritual microclimate from negative to beneficial.

Second, promise yourself (and make the effort!) To recognize and fulfill this need in your life in the future. For example, if I determine that I felt discounted and unimportant and my unmet need was to assert my worth, I will react sharply to the remarks of people who raise a sense of my own inferiority in me. Therefore, I will make every effort to defend my importance - including resorting to the "You project" defense mechanism.

7. Determine how you can meet your need now and in the future. List specific steps that you can actually take.

For example, my healthy self-worth gratification might look like this:

- understand your own preferences and adhere to them;

- learn to say “no” to people when they violate my boundaries;

- stop sacrificing yourself in order to keep the other person. To do this, I undertake to monitor my emotional reaction while communicating with this person and inform him openly when his words or actions cause me discomfort: not to blame him for my misadventures, but in order to find a solution to the situation;

- allow yourself to rejoice at your achievements, such as the publication of my article in a magazine.

8. Stick to your promise and watch life change before your eyes

Maintaining awareness for emotional work is paramount. Over time, you will find that the criticism that clings to the aspect within you worked out above, ceases to bother you. You will find that you can feel heard without entering into verbal skirmishes, and resolving the conflict is easy without cross-accusations.

Lilia Cardenas, integral psychologist, psychotherapist