2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In this article, I tried to show the possible reason for the contradictions and misunderstanding of loving people in the family and the possibility of overcoming the crisis in the relationship.
Having been born, each person is included in the system of relations of his family, relations of parents with children and parents in relation to each other. The safest, with less deficits and less stress, the child feels in the family, where the sensation in the "we" system is sufficiently formed. Unconditional love, despite the restrictions and prohibitions, is felt, and the need for attention from loved ones is satisfied. When each family member feels valuable to another, that is, there are very few grievances and claims or disagreements, then a stable, quite definite system of the child's worldview is formed. In this way, family members spend enough time together. When together, then it is easier and more fun! And since this is the best way to "survive" in such a family it is safe and free, despite the restrictions and control on the part of parents or older children.
Since, by and large, every parent is satisfied (after all, he is accepted as he is), he is a parent, does not feel lonely, supporting and providing resources for the child's life. This allows him to more easily perceive the natural changes in the child in connection with growing up. That is, with less stress, the degree of freedom grows against the background of the formation of responsibility for their own actions in a son or daughter.
Becoming an adult, a person goes beyond the family and seeks to recreate the system of family relationships to which he is accustomed and which is optimal., that is, with a minimum voltage and a sufficient degree of freedom.
The best and most favorable prognosis for a stable relationship in a young couple, if the lovers left similar family systems. They will reproduce a system of relations in which "we" prevails. However, it is more often the case. For example, a young man, unlike a girl who grew up in a complete friendly family, may be a son who, together with his mother, survived the divorce of his parents and was left to live only with her.
It is not difficult to imagine the state of this woman. Most likely, she will be overstrained, feelings of loneliness, resentment, disappointment, pain of loss will prevail in her. It is not easy to be in contact with such a person, since any person will involuntarily strive to share his uncomfortable state with another or compensate for his deficiencies at the expense of another, weaker and dependent, in this case, at the expense of the child. Therefore, both mother and child will be forced to be in the state of "I", and "we" will seek outside the family. For example, the mother will feel quite stable at work, and the son - in the company of peers. The value of each will shift from the family to the collective.
Now we can assume what deficits the young wife will begin to experience in her new family, and with what kind of claims from her, the spouse will have to come into contact. Everything will begin to manifest itself especially sharply with the appearance of a child in such a family.
My deep conviction is this: there are no people who are not right or “wrong”, everyone sees the situation in a specific way and uses only those resources that they have at the moment. But! It is possible to improve the situation, and so does the quality of family relationships. And the best way to do this is to understand, first of all, yourself, your methods of survival and the life history of your kind. It is the kind, and not only the experience of one's own life in the parental family, but about this, somehow, another time.
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