2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This something often passes by the awareness of partners. And since it is not realized, then the person does not have time to adequately respond to it in order to prevent the escalation and growth of destructiveness in the relationship … To understand what exactly happens in a couple, let's first understand the definitions of the concept of romance and the concept of violence.
Romance is an acute experience of happiness due to the satisfaction of the need for confirmation of value: your individual value with his attitude towards you is confirmed by that one and only chosen one, whose confirmation seems to you the most desirable. You feel euphoric and are in the idea that in the long term this need of yours will be satisfied - you make plans for the future, you are full of optimism and inspiration. The formula for love can be expressed like this: confirmation of value + confirmation of value = mutual love.
Violence is a sign that the person resorting to it does not know how or does not want to get what they want in non-violent ways. Nonviolent means are agreements, requests, and persuasions that do not contain devaluations. Any adult normally possesses such personal effectiveness or simply individual strength, but for one reason or another, in some situations, he may not feel it in himself. That is, violence is a manifestation of dysfunction of individual effectiveness, subjective powerlessness, unconscious "slipping" into unproductive, disharmonious forms of interaction, which contain devaluation of the partner and oneself.
In accordance with this definition, any psychological manipulation is also a form of violence. Moreover, gross psychological manipulations may be less effective than subtle psychological manipulations, such as, for example, gaslighting - if by effect we mean some kind of influence on another in order to induce him to do something that he did not plan to do or stop him in the fact that he planned.
As can be seen from the definition of violence, depreciation is, as it were, “built in” into it and is, so to speak, the active component that produces the effect the manipulator needs. Because any depreciation contradicts our need to reaffirm the value, the very need that is best satisfied when we are loved, that is, we feel valuable in the eyes of the one whose attitude towards us we value.
Value and strength (that is, the very same personal effectiveness) are two sides of the same coin, which is a kind of currency that circulates in any human relationship. If you are loved and appreciated by someone whom you love and appreciate, then even on a physical level you feel elation, a surge of strength, inspiration. Devaluation is also automatic and “weakening” of the partner, that is, a kind of artificial reduction of his personal effectiveness, suppression of his expansion. It works like this: any personal effectiveness is based on the subjective feeling of one's own oceneness, that is, on the knowledge of one's own unconditional value. And it is worth making a person doubt his own worth - and he will be predictable, controlled, controlled, suppressed.
The need for validation of value is a central need from the category of social human needs. The value principle is something that should be taken into account in a relationship if you want your relationship to be pleasant, comfortable and happy for a long time after the “candy-bouquet” phase. To exclude the likelihood of violence in any form from these relationships, it is necessary to exclude devaluation in any form - devaluation of both yourself and your partner. …
… This is if you open the question very succinctly and "technically". More descriptively, in detail and with examples from practice about all this in my new book "Delicate as roses, dangerous as thorns: we, our emotions and the principle of value" (working title). The book is planned to be released next year at the Genesis publishing house … And this was also discussed on the air, organized by my colleague Andrey Zlotnikov:
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