2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10
The project with the letters turned out to be excellent, it is interesting to work - the texts are such that they allow you to reveal a lot of important topics along the way. Thanks to the authors, and especially thanks to those who write to their personal mail about their resonances - it turns out that many situations and feelings "respond": "in a letter from a completely stranger it is written exactly as everything happens to me" … "You answered the author, but I have a feeling that they wrote the answer to me personally …"
Read, read, think, change your life …
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Question: Hello Natalia Anatolyevna. I ask you to help me understand myself, in the situation that I admit and direct me in a constructive direction.
I am 30 years old, married, 5 years old child. I love my son very much, a long-awaited and very desired child (as far as I can remember, I wanted a son).
He is a very mobile and inquisitive child, kind, attentive and practically uncontrollable.
Not obedience in everything and doing everything in spite of everything is his stable behavior. He listens only when I start to wind up and swear, and then according to the following scheme: "son, take away the toys" - ignoring (this is 10 times), "take away or punish" (this is 5 times) - persuades "no need, I am now", I I wait, turn on and start shouting that the street (or something else important for today) will be banned for 2-3 days, he begins to persuade me not to do this, but the toys are not removed, I do not give up the position of “take it away and that's it” and here the variations in the child's behavior are as follows: “if so, then I don’t love you anymore”, “I am not friends with you”, “you are bad, although I love you”.
“I am offended and no longer talk to you,” etc., I bring the punishment into action, but the toys are not removed. And only when I start to remove them with him (already cooled down) does he do it, but only together.
I tried to break this script - in vain. And so with regards to everything. Asking a child a question: "why are you behaving this way?" - he answers “we are a family and we must do everything together” - Well, he is right, we declare it ourselves … but this is pure manipulation. As well as what is on mine: "but you threw it alone," he says: "well, you love your child." I'm in a panic. I don’t understand what should I do? Is this a manifestation of age? Feeling the boundaries of what is acceptable? Or did I let you sit on your neck and now I don't know how to fix it? After all, this is an incorrect model of interaction with the world as a whole that is being formed.
When a husband connects in this situation, he simply crushes, scolds and gets his way, but through the incredible nerves of the whole family. With dad's pressure, the son begins to roar, scream, ask me for protection, but I don’t know how to behave, therefore, I’m silent, then I defend, while destroying my father’s authority - this is so wrong, but how is it right? After all, if he does not receive protection, then it may form: "She does not love me or there is no protection from her, it is not safe with her."
Maybe this behavior is a reflection of our different understanding of upbringing with my husband? I believe that it is necessary to talk and explain, but "on the pope" in general, as a last resort, I do not like to shout. And the husband thinks that if he didn't understand the first time, then he should push ahead, including “on the priest”.
We try not to discuss this in front of a child and not swear in front of him, but we are not entirely clean, so to speak. And against this background, my son began to annoy me greatly.
I get annoyed almost immediately, because I know which "carousel" we are going to use now and what the result will be … in general, from my own impotence, probably.
As a result, I think that it is better to go on vacation without a child - so at least the vacation will be and then I hate myself for these thoughts even.
I try to arrange outings first with him (as to work), and then together with my husband (as a vacation) at least for the weekend, and then I blame myself for these “like to work” feelings.
Recently, more and more often I do not control these attacks of anger at the child - I break at him, I say, then. That you can't tell a child: “You have disgusting behavior, that's why we are not going anywhere because of you,” I assign to him a feeling of guilt… I don’t want to, but it turns out that way. Please help me figure it out.
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Answer: Hello, Mirona.
I want to reassure you right away - these symptoms "I can't cope, it's hard for me to be together, I get annoyed with a child …"
Now I'll tell you where the legs grow from these problems. The “fault” of everything is the desire to be an ideal mother (you even scold you for thinking that a child is not a joy) and a desire to raise an ideal child (not to harm him in any way and in anything, never to injure him). A keen desire to have the right to speak -" title="Image" />
Answer: Hello, Mirona.
I want to reassure you right away - these symptoms "I can't cope, it's hard for me to be together, I get annoyed with a child …"
Now I'll tell you where the legs grow from these problems. The “fault” of everything is the desire to be an ideal mother (you even scold you for thinking that a child is not a joy) and a desire to raise an ideal child (not to harm him in any way and in anything, never to injure him). A keen desire to have the right to speak -
You focused on ensuring that your child never had a reason not to love you … And for you it has an overestimated value, this is your greatest fear … as well as for many who in childhood did not receive love - full and creative. But even worse - the fact that a super-idea was born - if I had not been traumatized in childhood by rejection and violence, then there would have been parental love in my life, and everything would have turned out differently for me. And therefore, I will definitely give my child everything that is possible, I will not offend him anywhere, I will sacrifice everything for him …
As my respected psychotherapist M. L. Pokrass: will a cat be a cat if it is turned inside out? So it is with you - it seems that if you remove all the "bad" from your relationship with your parents - then everything will be fine, right. But the absence of unhappiness does not mean the presence of happiness …
A huge number of parents in the upbringing of their child do not see, do not hear and even "out of the corner of their eye" do not guess about his interests and states, and instead there is an eternal war with the ghosts of their own childhood … Was I forced to go to music? - I won’t, I was allowed to skip school? - I will not allow mine, everything is exactly the opposite … but "will a cat be a cat?" Are you really doing this for the sake of the child, or are you just “scratching” your childhood traumas? rewriting your childhood ailments about raising your children …
Loving children is pleasant and easy, but we are obliged to educate them - to raise, shape, prepare for adult life, for independence. The task of the parents is to make the child strong, not to shield him from reality. Sooner or later there will be no parents, and adult life does not make any discounts to anyone.
"She does not love me or there is no protection from her, it is not safe with her." You have shifted from a desire to do him well, to a desire - never to become the cause of his suffering. The most important thing for you in the world is to be a good, beloved parent in his eyes, and it does not occur to you that this is not an “equal sign” that a good person will grow up.
What arguments do I usually give in favor of the fact that severity, refusal, misunderstanding, pressure and even violence (in a sense, not physical or mental, but violence - when you raise a child early in the morning, when you do not give junk food, when you force to do injections or medications) are not only inevitable, but also necessary …
- we remember strict teachers longer after leaving school, gradually we realize that behind their strictness there was indifference to their work, to us, in contrast to the kind ones, who had only two grades - 4 and 5 …
- when a valuable fruit tree is grown, it is necessarily "injured" - it is cut, grafted, sprayed … if you just take care of it, then there will be no quality apples, and after the sale of the dacha it will be cut down first.
It is very difficult to find “right” and “wrong” in parenting, because both the process and the result are very relative. The same methods on different children (even twins) give different results. And certain qualities of a child at some stages of life can be his pride, and at some - his problems.
Parenthood can NEVER be objectively assessed. Both alcoholics have genius children, and geniuses - alcoholics, figuratively speaking.
Therefore, the only way out is to act at your own risk and take full responsibility - that is, to make sometimes controversial and risky decisions, and not only to avoid the child's negative emotions.
Yes, and rely only on your own feelings, on your own opinion, and constantly "monitor" the cause-and-effect relationships of your actions … In general, you will not relax)))
For some reason (most likely, from a feeling of your own childish dislike), you organized relationships in your family according to the principle: the child is the center of our universe, the sun of our life, around which we all revolve, the crown of our relationship, our Child is a Human, for which we live, for which everything was started, the meaning of our relationship. This is now a common situation - a child-centered family model)))
In general, children are born not in order for mom and dad to provide the meaning of life … but for the joy of discovering themselves and the world, for the opportunity to find themselves and their meaning in life … but.
At first, everything goes well, but as the baby grows up, it becomes more difficult for parents to provide all the needs of the child. But he does not let them get bored)) as in this letter. Did you want to feel needed by me (and not by each other)? do you want to be together, as a team? and always know why you live? - we will do it in the best possible way))
Here the trouble is also that the child was elevated to the rank of Chief … But how to manage the Chief? - no way, and ask only through a bow. Is it possible to harm the Chief? - Of course not, it is fraught with a terrible punishment.. And how not to obey the Chief? you can’t disobey.
That is, the child is not only the fundamental value in the life of the parents, but also the CEO who manages them …
There are many signs of this in your letter: I love my son very much, a long-awaited and very desired child (as long as I can remember, it was my son who wanted to). He is a very mobile and inquisitive child, kind, attentive and practically uncontrollable.
And here is the substitution: at first it seems that the best is chosen as the Chief … but in fact, the Chief is the one who will be responsible for all this, who has the right to sign - that will be judged. To make the child the Head often tells the parents to want to avoid responsibility for the results of their upbringing, but they do not realize this, they think that they wanted what is best for the child …
Here, for example - Asking a child a question: "Why are you behaving this way?" I have a counter question - why are you asking him? what will it give you? there are some reasons that he will name, and then you say - well, well, yes, of course, then don't take it away? what do you want to hear in response from him? If you ask the child to remove the toys, and you think this requirement is fair, then why ask why he refuses?
I will answer - for insurance. To confirm that I have the right to exert this pressure on him. You need him to understand and confirm aloud to you: you are doing everything right, you are making me right (this is again about the fear “he will not love me”).
But let's think about it - if someone recognizes the justice of your actions - will he oppose them? And yet - if in words he says - well, yes, he scattered it himself, he should collect it himself, but in reality - he continues NOT to do it, then he UNDERSTOOD? or portrayed what he understood? Hear - where I am leading? - you can't explain, but you manage to teach to depict understanding …
Now you will ask me a question that has recently begun to anger me))) "how to convey this to him?"))))
Only the combination of hydrogen and oxygen, two gases, gives us the greatest substance on earth - water, and by themselves they do not at all have the same useful properties. In the same way, two molecules of abstract information (words, pictures, stories, a book) and one molecule of "sensory experience" should be used to transfer information - that is, when information comes through sensations (one of the leading channels of its transmission in childhood is the priest, on which all adventures are earned, and according to which you can get, the priest here in a figurative sense, not only a specific part of the body)))))
I hope you understand that I am not urged to constantly spank a child. But you are obliged to ensure that he receives negative results from some of your actions, and above all, in order for him to have an understanding - which actions should be repeated and which should not. And Great Adult Life teaches us exactly according to this formula. Two molecules of knowledge (road signs) and one molecule of sensations - a fine in an envelope.. and you remember once and for all what this sign means and how it must be observed correctly …
So, I'll repeat the most important thing:
- try, as far as possible, to abstract from your childhood experience (come to trainings, seminars with psychologists, undergo personal therapy, read literature, be treated about specialists, not about your child)
- Relieve yourself of the obligation to be an impeccable parent, renounce the desire to raise a perfectly ideal child, do not let the fear “he will not love me” guide you. If surgeons thought about it, how would they save our lives? cutting us alive …
- do not confuse the absence of negativity (pressure, prohibitions, refusal to satisfy interests) with the presence of love, do not substitute the concept of love and please, thereby do not shift responsibility for the result of upbringing on the child
- let in your concept of upbringing moments of "violence", or rather moments of reality, if the actions of a small person lead to negative consequences - do not protect him from them, more often let him face reality
- be honest with yourself - do not portray in front of the child what is not. If you are annoyed or angry, let him know about it. Other people, other adults will not play games with him, and it will be very difficult for him when she starts to grow up. Let him gradually, by your example, master the science "go there, don't go here"
There is one more topic that lies at the very bottom of your letter, I will not dwell on it in detail, but …
I dare to remind you that initially a man and a woman create a couple because they want to be together, because they want to be close physically and mentally, because such a connection complements both of them, they both become someone else from this closeness … And a child is only a product of their relationship - if it weren't for a relationship, there could not have been a child …
And it is quite logical that after the birth of a child, parents would take care, first of all, about their relationships, so that this amazing product, which is born as a result of their closeness, would not disappear anywhere. Then the child will have something to live and grow in - in these relationships. The parental relationship is a nest, a house that a child comes to, because this house has a place for him, because he is great for raising a person)))
But many parents, with the birth of a child, forget about their relationship, do not realize how important it is to maintain their feeling of a couple.
Many have the feeling that after the birth of a child he needs them more than each other (hence your desire to rest either separately from the child or separately from your husband, misunderstanding - how this can be combined)
This is what I mean - the reason that the child becomes the center of the relationship is often some kind of "failure" in these very relationships … Therefore, one more "advice" - urgently go on vacation together, until you lose connections, have not forgotten how to be just together, without any "Cementing" circumstances.. Remember why you began to live together, and put your relationship in the first place … Then it will become much easier to raise a child - the fear "he does not love me" grows unreasonably where there is really not enough love …
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