How To Raise A Child. Stages Of Development

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In this article we will talk about a very important and urgent topic for many, the topic of what are the main tasks facing parents in raising a child. Relatively speaking - this is about how to properly raise your child and what will be most important for your child to get from you as a parent.

The first and most important thing I would like to say is that the child needs from you not so much upbringing as your positive example. Because in fact, no matter how the child is brought up, he will still act as you do. The way you are, to a greater extent, characterizes the way your child will be. The way you behave, so will your children. Don't ask your child to change their behavior without changing theirs. Remember this, this is very important. Because otherwise, the child is frustrated and does not understand at all how he should live, why shouldn't I behave like that, but can you mom or dad? Your own example is the most effective method of education.

If you want to change something in your child, start with yourself. Because your child is your reflection. Sometimes it happens that something begins to appear in the child that annoys us very much. At such moments, you should immediately notice that this is not a bad child, it is most likely something in me. Ask yourself the question: “Why does his behavior annoy me? Why do I react to it this way? And as a result, two options for your irritation may appear: the first is when you do the same, but you never noticed it. Like the left hand didn't know what the right hand was doing. The moment when we unconsciously do this and do not even notice that we are doing exactly this way. And the second is when you want you to be able to do this, but your child does not. Perhaps, once in childhood, you were not allowed such behavior, or now you would like to relax more, be lazy and do nothing, and you do not allow the child to do so. More precisely, at first you get annoyed, and then you do not allow him to do it.

Remember that the child should have a childhood and it should be the way he wants to live. It is very important to accept the moment that the baby was born already as a person, he already has some kind of set of his qualities, temperament. If your little man is choleric, he is active, he needs to throw out his energy, do not make him melancholic, because it will be more convenient for you in some way. You will ruin him with this, or vice versa, your baby is melancholic or phlegmatic, sits in a corner, plays with toys and everything is fine for him. Do not try to make him choleric, do not try to introduce him too much into the community, let the community just be there, for example, you lead to the kindergarten, he plays himself in the corner - well, he is in the community, he learns somehow in his own way. Let your child be a person, accept and respect, this difference between yourself and the baby is the most important thing.

Considering the issue of proper upbringing, it is necessary to know the Stages of Child Development. Let's look at them together and how you can help your baby in times of crisis, and how to get out of it safely.

So, the first stage is from 0 to 1 year old, infancy. When a toddler needs safety the most, secure attachment. At this stage, it is most necessary for him: to have his mother next to him, to feed him on time, to protect him from pain, if something is sick or hit, from offense, from the hands of others. At this stage, it is very important for the child.

If a child gets out of this crisis unsuccessfully, he develops a distrust of the world, but a successful way out of this crisis will later become energy, love of life, and the ability to trust others. In general, a belief will be formed that the world is beautiful and everything will be fine. If the crisis is passed incorrectly, with some mistakes, then the matured person displays a deep conviction, sometimes unconscious, that the world is bad, the people around are bad and some kind of catastrophe is bound to happen.

The next stage is from one to three years. During this period, shame plays a great role, the child already has social contacts and he begins to experience shame, can experience it for the first time. Your task, if possible, is to prevent this from happening. Why does this feeling appear during this period? This is the stage when the baby begins to master the world: walking, crawling, grabbing everything, dropping something, hitting something, spilling something. During this period, very much is not allowed, and how the parents react to the baby's actions depends on what his ego will be.

In this age period, the child's ego has not yet formed, the child's ego is formed from the moment of birth, on the basis of the parent's ego, that is, how the parent treats him, he will have such an ego. Since up to a year, sometimes up to two, the baby still does not separate himself and his mother. He has not yet had a psychological birth. The ego of the child, as if merged - me and my mother, for him one whole inseparable concept. And in the moments when the first ones appear, it is impossible, the little man perceives them not as a bad action, but as you are bad, because you do something like that. Therefore, it is very important to try to strike a balance between the do's and don'ts, and there should be more. If there are a lot of "not allowed" around the child, then you have not created a safe environment for the child and this is already your problem, and the task is to change the situation.

It is very important for your child to feel unconditional acceptance, love, protection and security. This is what is important both in a year, that and in five, ten or twenty years, your unconditional acceptance of him as a person.

If the crisis is from 1 to 3 years old, the child does not go well enough, he develops increased shame. You've probably met people in your life who are very shy, they are often embarrassed, they are embarrassed. This is a sign that, as a rule, this crisis was not passed, or something was wrong. If the child comes out of the crisis well, then his independence and independence are formed. Accordingly, if your child is from one to three years old, try to remember about three important words that characterize this period - these are shame, independence and independence.

Why is independence formed at this age? This is the moment when the child begins to take the first steps, he begins to gradually move away from the mother, move away a little. If you are an anxious mother, then most likely you will keep the child with you all the time, under the skirt, as a result of which, then the children grow up holding on to the skirt. Moreover, it is not necessary to make any explicit movements in order to keep the child near you, you can simply experience this anxiety, the child feels this very much and worries about his mother very much. Since at this age the child is in close emotional merger with the mother, therefore the child very much feels the anxiety of the mother, worries about the mother very much. And subconsciously considers it his task to protect mom, to protect mom from this anxiety, fearing to lose her. Therefore, if you feel this anxiety and even if you do nothing, remember that your task is to cope with this anxiety. You can seek psychological counseling, therapy, or turn to auto-training, instill in yourself that the world is safe, and your anxiety is your unresolved crisis, an unresolved development task of 0-1 years.

Of course, we all worry that the child does not fall somewhere, does not bump, so that he does not get an electric shock, but with a normal level of anxiety, you simply observe, allowing the child to walk freely. You calmly look after him, without alarm, if you notice that the baby is approaching some kind of danger, then say, for example: "Katya, Sasha, come here," or you yourself follow him. Often on playgrounds or when mom, dad are walking with the child, you can observe a similar situation: the child ran along the path, runs to himself, the path is empty and you immediately hear: "Vasya, where did you run, come back here!" Once I was sitting with a friend, watching a similar picture, and I said: “Why is she calling him? Why? He runs to himself, there is no danger. " My friend says: “Do you think she herself knows what she’s calling? Calls, and calls, so used to. " Don't, give your child the opportunity to develop in a safe space, leave you, and come back. After all, the child also checks this opportunity to return, he looks - if he returned and his mother still loves me, is still kind to me, still treats me well, then OK, I can run more next time, even further, explore the world still cooler. At such moments, the child has this independence and independence. If it does not appear, then the child will be constantly addicted. If the child comes back and sees that his mother is angry with him, swears, he decides for himself, then I will not go far, this is bad, but he wants to, and this situation causes an internal conflict in the baby.

It is very important to ask the child what he wants and what he likes, this is how a connection is formed with his Id, with his life energy. You may well ask a child if he wants a cucumber or he wants a tomato, or he wants an egg, or maybe he wants soup? Believe me, a child is not a fool, he knows better than we adults what his body wants. Because he has not yet lost touch with his Id, with his body, with his real "want." Give him every opportunity not to lose it further. For example, in a situation where the baby does not want to eat, and you understand that he needs to be fed, ask him questions in a circle.

I admire when I see how my sister uses this method. She can probably ask her niece a million times: you want a cucumber, you want a tomato, you want an egg, you want soup, you want bread, no, no, no. Okay, you want a cucumber, you want a tomato, you want bread, you want soup, no, no, no, not at all. She again and like this three, four circles can go until the child says: well, come on a cucumber, and then the testicle went into action, well, she ate how much, ate. And what is important in such situations is never to force the child in terms of: "you will reach the very end", the child does not want - no need, feed him in an hour, in two, when he wants. Since feeding itself in time is the formation of an addictive character, which can subsequently result in anorexia, bulimia or other addictions.

The age from 3 to 6 years is the period when pathological guilt can form, if before that we talked about pathological shame, at this age of guilt. What is the difference between shame and guilt? Shame is about the fact that I am bad in myself, I am "not-up to …", unworthy, not good enough, not cheerful enough, smart, interesting, not funny enough, and so on. That is a shame. Guilt is about the fact that I am doing something wrong, I am not doing something well enough, it is about actions. I did something that hurt Mom, I did something that hurt Mom, I do something that Mom and Dad fight. The child believes that he is the source of everything that happens around him, good or bad. Therefore, when in the family discord and discontent between husband and wife, or simply unspoken anxiety hangs in the air, the child feels it. Do not think that your child does not understand anything, he sees and understands everything. He may not be aware, but he feels and manifests this by being sick or peeing in the crib, swearing in the kindergarten, he may start to fight, the options may be very different.

Again, respect his decision, respect his desire, choice, actions. For example, a common illustration about shoelaces: a child learning to tie shoelaces. You understand that he does it wrong, and you would do it many times faster, moreover, you are in a hurry and want to quickly pack up and go, but this is wrong. Give your child the opportunity to tie their shoelaces as long as they need to. If you leave earlier or start getting ready earlier, if you are constantly in a hurry, then it is your task to start dressing the child half an hour earlier. So that he can tie his shoelaces for a long time, while you calmly get ready. Respect the child's pace as much as he needs to learn how to do it, let him spend so much time on it.

Even in this period, I think even from 2-3 years old, the baby may have ritual actions - compulsive, when the child does the same thing several times. Plays the same game, does the same activity, for example, move the same cubes to the same place. This is normal, so the child learns, masters the skill.

At the age of 3 to 6 years, the child develops an initiative, if this does not happen, then the person will not be purposeful and with a constant sense of guilt, will be afraid to do something, to take on something, etc.

Further, the age from 6 to 12 years is the period when a child goes to school and he develops such an understanding about himself: whether he is competent or not competent. What it is? For example: at school it is customary to emphasize mistakes in a notebook, point out mistakes to the child. But this forms incompetence, feeling incompetent, why? Because no one praises what the child does, but there are many indications that it does not work out. And the task of the parents in this case is to praise the child for what he is able to do and not to kill him for what does not work out. It turns out that he has mathematics at 5 and literature at 3 - okay, well, it's not scary. In the end, when your child grows up and if, by some miracle, he wants to become a writer, he will go and learn this literature the way he needs. Or, on the contrary, he succeeds in Russian, but he does not know mathematics, if your child feels that he needs it, he will go and do it, he will go and learn. And there is no need to torture and rape him.

Accordingly, the task of parents for the period of 6-12 years is to develop a tolerant attitude towards his successes, failures, to what the child likes more, to how he learns, to his pace of study, here an example with laces will also be relevant … Only here it is no longer about laces, but about writing, reading, etc.: he writes badly, slowly learns to write - give him the opportunity to do it as much as he needs and do not require the child to learn how to do everything from 3 times.

Sometimes parents say that kindergartens and schools spoil children. Make no mistake, so much no one, no one can spoil. If an injury is noticed, then the child has already arrived with the injury. An exception may be catastrophic cases. It is very important to understand that basically a man goes to school with a formed psyche, he already has all the beliefs you can - you can't, right - wrong, good - bad, not good enough - good enough, initiative, independence, all this has already been formed. In the kindergarten, it is a little more difficult, but remember one thing: a child aged 2-7 years, wherever he goes, subconsciously carries his parents. And it is very important to ask yourself the question, what kind of parents does he carry with him and does he carry any parents with him at all? Does he have a feeling that he is cared for, that he is supported, that they will and will be for him, even if he does something very, very bad. It is very important that he knows, no matter what act he does, his parents will understand him, will they understand why he did this? Because he was offended, his parents ask: someone offended you, they hit you, they took away your toy, how did they hurt you? If a child knows that his parents will understand, yes, maybe they will say that this is bad, but they will understand, then he will survive any troubles, experiences at school. The most important thing is that the child has a resource to survive the difficulties, and this resource is the task of the parents.

And the last stage, which we will consider today, is from 12 to 20 years. This period is divided into early puberty, middle and late adolescence. In this period, it is important for a child that his parents recognize him, recognize his hobbies, his hobbies, his interests. They asked about his interests, not only about the school, about who he communicates with, how does he communicate? But so that the child can talk about his emotions and see your emotions in response, that you are not indifferent to this, that you are not angry with what he chooses and you are tolerant of his choice. Emotional availability of parents and a sincere interest in the hobbies and life of the child are very important here. He wants to be emo, goth, or, for example, a vegetarian - let him.

Believe me, if you do not allow him such trifles, he will go against you for things stronger, for drugs, alcohol and so on. By the way, alcohol begins at someone at 14, at someone at 16, at someone at 20. Take this also with tolerance, the most important thing is to ensure the child's safety so that he has the opportunity to return home. Ask who he is with, where he is, maybe you will pick him up after the party, make sure that if the child got drunk, it was like under supervision, you were there. Not observing such an evil ego, but you are near, just near, because these are normal things, children want to try everything at that age, this is normal. After all, goths, emo are just an excuse, reason, instrument, to try yourself, to know yourself, who I am. They try on different roles, different statuses, excuse me, there is nothing wrong with that.

Next comes the choice of profession, all your life you wanted the child to be a dentist, doctor or lawyer, and the child suddenly wanted to become an artist … Believe me, you will greatly ruin the child's fate if you force him to be a doctor, at best he will be no doctor, or even will not be at all, but he will not try a career as an artist. Yes, it may be that a child tries a career as an artist, realizes that there is no money or it is not his, or there is no talent, he will say: "oh, mom or dad, you were right, I probably should have studied to be a doctor." It's okay, the main thing is that he tried, he lives this life for the first and last time, let him live this life to the fullest, totally, try everything on his own experience.

You most likely know by yourself that we do not learn from the admonitions of others, we want to make our mistakes, this is our life and it is in mistakes, when we stumble and fall, we learn, we grow, we develop to get up off your knees and go again, try again. This is development, and not about choosing an even, straight path and walking along it, who had this when? This does not happen. Give your child the opportunity to choose, at the same time to feel good, to feel that he has support, that he has you. That he is not indifferent to you, that you are not indifferent to what he is going through, why he needs it and why he wants it. Let your child know that you respect him, this is the most important thing. And in the end, your child will be grateful to you for it.