2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
First, I want to tell you about one of my clients (with his consent). The guy recently graduated from medical university and now works as a dentist. The parents of this guy, however, grandmothers, grandfathers and a couple of generations, are also doctors of different profiles. In response to my question "was the choice of a profession a conscious one?" I nevertheless decided to clarify what kind of dialogue took place between him and his parents when choosing a university. Omitting all the formalities, the question from the parents sounded like this: "What kind of doctor do you want to become and in which medical university of the country do you want to study?" The guy's joy knew no bounds - such a space for choice, so many specializations, you can go to any city to study! But you already understand what the catch is!
The phenomenon that I described in the case of my client occurs very often in my work. I call it the "illusion of choice" or "choice without choice." In general, it looks like this: at the moment when parents need to help a teenager to self-determine, they "unobtrusively" impose on him the option that, in their opinion, is better and more promising.
One of the age-related tasks of a teenager is planning and structuring his life. This task includes setting life goals and choosing a profession as well. The teenager asks the questions - who do I want to become? What attracts me to this profession, why did I choose it? What will this profession give me for life? What should I invest in the profession to become a good specialist?
By taking away the adolescent's choice and giving him the illusion of choice, parents are doing him a "disservice." The consequences of such behavior for a growing person can be varied: if he cannot rely on himself and his opinion on such an important issue, then he may have big problems with other choices in life. And when the time comes to choose your partner, then in general, a collapse can happen! What he wants and how he wants, a person does not know, in his choice he is used to relying on parents, and discussing amorous issues with parents is a shame, therefore it is better to choose a partner "in the image and likeness" of one of the parents. And then the burden of choice can be passed on to the partner. Voila - the immature relationship is ready!
Of course, not only the choice of a university for a teenager can lead to such consequences. But, if by this age you decide for him, then before that time your child did not have the right to vote.
Let your kids talk, choose and make mistakes, and then there's a chance they can build mature relationships in the future!
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