How To Make Him Finally Change?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There is a big difference between merging and a healthy supportive relationship. But not everyone knows about this 🙈

In merging, the partner becomes responsible for your feelings and states. And two colorful examples at once, so as not to paint for a long time.

Oleg goes on vacation with his friends. A purely male company to drink a lot of alcohol, flirt right and left with other women and then arrange orgies. Kidding. He leaves with childhood friends whom he has not seen for several days. Or with colleagues to a cool conference and after it has a great time in the evenings. That is, it is not so important where exactly he goes, it is important that without a wife. Olya at this time goes bored to work, takes the child to school and to circles, walks the dog in the evenings. Feels lonely, abandoned, and also envy and anger. What should be done? That's right: ruin his rest with guilt and, preferably, shame. So that next time there is a strong understanding: leaving Olya alone is bad, you need to spend all the time only with her, otherwise she will be bored and cry.

Or here. Semyon is pleased when his girlfriend looks slim, well-groomed, in beautiful tight clothes and always in lace underwear under these clothes. And I really like to appear with such a girl in crowded places. He feels strong, confident and, in general, a winner in life, because beautiful girls do not meet with ordinary guys, but only with strong, beautiful and confident (in fact, not). To always feel so pleasant, you need to make Olya behave in a certain way. To do this, for example, you can periodically and solely out of concern remind her that flour is fat, that it is time to go to the gym, that you always need to look sexy, and for this you only need to wear dresses with a neckline to the knees and, most importantly, like Semyon No one else will love her, so see above for what to do.

Examples are deliberately as simple as possible, women and men in each story can be changed as desired.

This is what the merge looks like. My feelings are entirely dependent on the other, so that I feel good and not feel bad, I must influence him so that the supply of good feelings is constant, and bad ones do not even appear on the radar.

Such a relationship is similar to the relationship between an infant and a mother, when the mother as a separate person has not yet been formed in the child's mind.

As you've probably noticed, the main tool in a merger relationship is manipulation. That is, "I must do something to influence his consciousness and attitude towards me." When such a model does not work out, the relationship is perceived as cold, indifferent, absent at all. It seems impossible not to control the thoughts and actions of your partner, and it is similar to death: your condition depends on him!

If you are not in fusion, then depending on whether you like the actions of the other, you choose one or another distance in relation to the person - yourself. That is, you yourself decide whether to come closer to him or move to a safe distance for yourself, without expecting that he will behave differently. You simply do not need to recite a full moon spell in Latin to change your attitude towards you.

And if you yourself manage your state, in a relationship there is room not only for boundaries, but also for the space between you. And it is precisely in this “between” that one can look: what is happening - between us? Not within everyone's fantasies and expectations, but in between. Until this space is absent and it is impossible to interact in it. Well, just because you can't see a face face to face.

Perhaps a healthy supportive relationship is like dancing. Everyone is free to perform their fouette separately from the other. And at the same time, having come to one point, you can create a common something, stronger, brighter, more dynamic, leaning on each other at times. You do not depend on each other in this dance, but simply dance - together. The balance is kept not by the fact that the other puts you on your feet and constantly holds you, but at the expense of the balance of each. Even purely physically dancing for five minutes in continuous support from only one partner is too tiring and too much responsibility. What can we say about a life-long dance)

And about the formation of borders - next time, perhaps)