2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
To get acquainted with what codependency is, the Karpman triangle, as well as what factors influenced the formation of codependency and reinforce it now, read the previous article (click to go).
And I start the most interesting thing:) As always, my thoughts started with one paradox (control, which will be covered in the next article), but then I thought about it and found much more of them. In fact, paradoxes are differences in the perception of their behavior by the codependent themselves and the perception of his behavior by more psychologically stable people.
I DO GOOD TO PEOPLE
Surely you know volunteers, with whom, however, for some reason, it is very difficult to communicate. For example, you can just share a little concern about something, and the person already knows the solution to your problem and more than one. But … you somehow did not even ask, but already turned out to be "completely cheered up." Here I remember religious fanatics who, in the name of God and love, could and shed a lot of blood.
"EVERYTHING FOR YOU" and "WITHOUT CARE"
Let's start with the fact that if we feed only the hungry around and the well-fed too (sometimes through a violent way), without eating a crumb of bread ourselves, we will soon die. In psychological life - the same.
Secondly, did you notice the huge price that codependents can then demand for "free" help? For example, a man can emotionally comfort his beloved, and then absolutely unshakably count on sex, mentally directly oblige a woman to do so. And if this does not happen, then a storm “I am for you …” Hm, is it for her or for myself, but just in a clever way with a delay in payment?
ATTACHMENT or "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU …"
We can often hear this phrase from the lips of codependents. But wait … Can you do it with him / her? The worst thing in this is when there is already a direct threat to health and life, but the codependent does not seek help. From a real story: "He's chasing you with an ax!" - "So what, but he is very handsome!" No comments yet.
WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK
The opinion of “others” is so important to codependents that it seems to be all the same how things really are. In more emotionally mature couples, the priority is given to the opinion of the partners and, at the same time, the opinion of others is taken into account (there is no inflection “we are the head of everything”). For if you completely “don't give a damn about everyone”, then you can hardly build healthy relationships with others. And if you adapt to "all" others, then how many others - so many opinions. It's like trying to design an interior, trying to fit in with everyone's vision - it's impossible.
Note also that older people often use this particular formulation, while younger people rarely speak so bluntly, but often act this way. For example, it is now easy to create the illusion of a good life through social media. networks (not all good things in social networks are lies, but not all good things in social networks are true). Of course, you can embellish the merits and downplay the disadvantages of relationships in conversations with even the closest people (or, on the contrary, exaggerate the shortcomings and draw a demon from a partner - which is also the reverse side of the coin of avoiding reality). And even for oneself, underestimation of the criticality of the painful relationship is also not uncommon, unfortunately.
We are expecting 2 more articles with paradoxes, and now, if you have any questions or responses, write them in the comments. And if you want to sort out personal paradoxes, my psychotherapeutic doors are open!
Recommended:
Life Scenario "Please Others": You Are In The Black When You Please Others
Psychologist, Supervisor, TA Script Analyst How the life scenario of the Rescuer or "Make Others Joy" is formed. Or the driver behavior "you are good when you please others, you care about others." I am in the black when I am useful to others or the Cinderella script is a case from practice.
How We Mirror Others And Others Us
We are perfect in our imperfection. Perhaps this is the only perfection that is present in us. We most often see our imperfection in others. They say that people are our mirrors. We reflect to each other exactly what is in us. It responds within and instead of analyzing ourselves, we look at the other.
THE PARADOX OF DEPENDENCE, Part 3: Changing The Other And Healthy Relationships
You can recall / study what codependency, Karpman's triangle and sources of codependency are in this article (click to go). In the previous 2 articles, I talked about the first 8 paradoxes, which I highlighted: kindness, gratuitousness, affection [with * knitting], the opinion of others;
THE PARADOX OF DEPENDENCE, Part 2: Addiction, Control, Pain, Complaints
In previous articles, I examined what codependency is, its sources, as well as the first 4 paradoxes of codependency. Therefore, if you have not read it yet, I invite you to familiarize yourself with them first! And today we will consider 4 more paradoxes.
What Is The Difference Between Love, Affection And Dependence?
Ability to love - This is a skill that is characteristic only of a highly developed psyche. If your psyche is deeply neurotic or at the level of borderline organization, most likely you will require a lot of attention to yourself, the relationship will be important exclusively for you, and not for your partner.
