2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In previous articles, I examined what codependency is, its sources, as well as the first 4 paradoxes of codependency. Therefore, if you have not read it yet, I invite you to familiarize yourself with them first!
And today we will consider 4 more paradoxes. Let me remind you that I call paradoxes the differences in the perception of their behavior by the codependent themselves and the perception of his behavior by more psychologically stable people.
ADDICTION
Codependents are addicts. Of course, their "favorite" addiction is a different person. But if you look deeper, as a rule, more dangerous types of addiction are hiding and restrained by "love" - the same alcohol, for example. Maybe games. Maybe shopaholism. Or something else. Addicts have the same - they have a central addiction, for example, alcohol, and, of course, there are "passing" ones, for example, a wife / husband (they are also codependents).
THE CONTROL
Have you noticed that codependents can control others so desperately that their own lives seem to completely lose control? Here, as an example, mothers come to mind, who, foaming at the mouth, can tell their children (and neighbors) how and with whom to build relationships and life correctly, what profession to choose and who to be friends with … but they themselves live alone and in poverty or with a man who regularly hits and / or humiliates them. Or another example: some control that others arrive on time for the meeting, but they themselves are late.
CAUSE OF PAIN
I noticed that often codependents try to hurt another by mutilating themselves (sometimes psychological, sometimes physical). Basically, it is manipulation with the aim of causing the other to feel guilty and / or ashamed. Well, the technique is effective if there is a psychologically unstable person nearby (and also prone to codependency).
The sadness is that the game of inflicting pain often harms not only the self-torturer himself, but also the quality of the relationship in general. Relationships, of course, can be supported in this way by feelings of shame and guilt, but will there be joy and pleasure in such a relationship? Maybe, but not much, the rest of the energy will be spent on maintaining feelings of guilt and shame.
COMPLAINTS
I thought about the song: "If you want to go, go." Here are codependents complaining about their husbands and wives. This is not the case. Because of them, life is ruined. And you try to tell them: "Listen, well, you are describing that everything is so bad … you have been describing for 8 years … Why don't you get a divorce?" Oh-oh-oh, here begins the table toasts about * love, children, experiences and so on.
The question arises: "What did you talk about all the last 8 years then !?" Yes, there can be a fair amount of anger. Because they don't have anything to change their desire, and they use you as free ears and / or a vest for tears. And your efforts to be there, listen, get wet - in vain. Tomorrow they will reconcile again, and in a week they will fight, and you will again be needed to cry.
I will add that I respect pity and regret as feelings, but they are productive only if they are assimilated by a person and then he is able to make new choices in life, and does not continue to seek out pity over and over again. It seems to me that codependents do not know how to deeply assimilate good feelings towards them, and therefore they become a luxury drug for them, which is needed more and more. And if you noticed this, then yes, most likely it didn't seem to you: today they want pity that they were insulted in a pair, tomorrow - that they were hit in a pair, the day after tomorrow - they were raped in a pair, and in the end they may demand pity even when they themselves humiliate others.
Are there any familiar paradoxes for you?
One of these days I will release the final chord with the last 2 paradoxes and their detailed description. Now, if you have a desire to talk about your or your partner's codependent traits, my psychotherapeutic doors are open!
Recommended:
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THE PARADOX OF DEPENDENCE, Part 3: Changing The Other And Healthy Relationships
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To get acquainted with what codependency is, the Karpman triangle, as well as what factors influenced the formation of codependency and reinforce it now, read the previous article (click to go). And I start the most interesting thing :) As always, my thoughts started with one paradox (control, which will be covered in the next article), but then I thought about it and found much more of them.
