2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Ability to love - This is a skill that is characteristic only of a highly developed psyche. If your psyche is deeply neurotic or at the level of borderline organization, most likely you will require a lot of attention to yourself, the relationship will be important exclusively for you, and not for your partner. Individuals with a highly organized psyche are able to live for another person (in the context of the question, we are not talking about "complete dissolution in their partner", such relationships are neurotic in nature) - to think about his problems, to take care.
What is love? This is an interest in the growth and development of your object of love - you want your loved one to be happy, regardless of your interests, views and desires. In the modern world, one cannot be completely “giver”, each of us wants to receive something in return. In this case, you need to be able to negotiate, find a compromise, make concessions, and here it is important to maintain at least some kind of balance (it is not necessary to strive to achieve a 50/50 balance, a balance that is comfortable enough for you). For example, your partner is stubborn and unable to concede in anything, but you are loyal to concessions and always make contact - this situation is comfortable in a couple for both.
What is attachment? Attachment is essentially a child's need for a child to survive. The kid is attached to his mother, walks after her like a duckling, "with a tail" - for him it is safety, survival, the ability to live, protection from any danger, etc. Relatively speaking, if a child stumbles and falls, but his mother is not around, this represents for him much more dangerous than if she was there. It's a survival instinct - to be closer to mom. Outwardly, the situation looks like love, but in fact it is attachment at the level of instincts.
In the popular science book by Dick Swaab “We are our brain. From the womb to Alzheimer's”describes the process of forming attachment very well. First, the mother shows maternal behavior, takes care of the baby, worries about his safety, cares for, cherishes, shows tenderness, turns on emotionally. In response to this, the child shows his affection for his mother. Accordingly, if the mother's maternal instinct is weak, there is little attachment to the baby, in general he will not develop the skill of attachment to people. Although attachment is a childish trait, in adulthood we become attached to each other. Love and affection are very close and similar concepts, quite often they follow parallel to each other. It is impossible to love a person and not want to be with him, not want him to hug, pay some attention.
We live in a rather neurotic world, in a world of traumas and needs that cannot be eliminated, so it is important for us to feel attachment, not to feel lonely, but at the same time, we need to be attached to us to some extent.
Addiction - this is a very strong degree of attachment, painful when you cannot live without your partner. Conditionally - you seem to have assigned some part of your vital functions to your partner (for example, he prepares food, constantly accompanies you on trips to the theater or cinema), and without him you do not feel like a full-fledged, whole person. In fact, this is a thirst for possession, an uncontrollable need for a partner's closeness, a desire for him to be there as often and as long as possible (codependent relationship). All these feelings are accompanied by a painful sensation - if my partner leaves me, the world will simply collapse, a catastrophe will happen, and my life will be completely destroyed. In general terms, addiction is a deep degree of attachment, overly painful, characteristic of those people who did not have a strong enough relationship with the mother's object in childhood (an emotionally cold mother who does not join the child's life). In such cases, a person in adulthood will be skewed - or he will fall into a codependent relationship, or into a counter-dependent relationship.
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