2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“How stupid we are! This is where we need to, and where have we gone ?! - I hear, being in the mall. I turn around at this exclamation and see a woman addressing a boy of 2-3 years old. She and her grandson and her daughter, the boy's mother went down the steps, and the exit was straight.
The grandmother said this, calling herself, and her daughter and grandson stupid.
This phrase hooked me a little. I felt a slight annoyance that it is so customary for many to criticize themselves, calling themselves "stupid", "stupid", "crow", "clumsy", "loser (tsa)", "muddlehead", "mediocrity", "fool", etc. NS.
Yes, it's a pity that from childhood we hear this in our address from loved ones, mom, dad, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. And then from the kindergarten teachers. And then from the teachers at school.
And so we become accustomed to treat ourselves in the same way.
And so it is customary to criticize, condemn, accuse oneself.
And it's so customary to live with this unkind attitude towards yourself.
And sometimes it is not possible for us to think about whether such words support us?
Do they help to correct an oversight, a mistake?
What do we want to hear at this moment? Is it a criticism?
Or are you words of support, that everything is fine with you, that it happened so by chance, that it happens that perhaps you are now upset about something or tired and therefore your attention is scattered?
And if we do hear criticism, then what feelings do we encounter when we hear this in our address? And telling yourself this yourself?
With shame and guilt.
It’s a shame that I’m some kind of bad, that I was wrong about something.
It’s a shame that I’m kind of mediocre, I didn’t take something into account.
It's a shame that I'm kind of stupid, I missed something.
These feelings are toxic.
They signal to us that we must meet someone's expectations.
Why they should, and whose expectations, however, are not clear.
Do you think these feelings help us cope with the situation faster and better?
When we get into experiences, and guilt and shame are hard and unpleasant experiences, then at this moment our intellect "turns off".
While we are in experiences, our intellect is not available to us.
Therefore, the more we hear criticism, discontent and condemnation in our address, the longer we remain in the experience. And the more difficult it is for us to correct the situation quickly and correctly.
Therefore, very often the first thing I work with clients with is the fact that I help to change the client's attitude to himself.
This unkind and unsupportive attitude towards oneself is the reason for most of the difficulties in relations with other people.
Everything else is built on this attitude towards oneself.
The way we relate to ourselves is how we allow other people to relate to ourselves.
This is how we choose a partner, job, social circle.
This is how we treat our partner.
To our children. To people close to us.
Does it help to make the relationship enjoyable for us? Close, warm, supportive and loving?
Is it good for us in such a relationship?
It seems to me that everyone from this criticism in a relationship is bad.
If you recognize yourself in this description, then first of all, I would like to tell you that I understand you and sympathize with you.
I am sorry that we had to hear the words of criticism at a time when we needed support.
But everything is fixable!
How can you help yourself?
What can you start doing yourself?
How can you begin to change this?
First, notice that you are doing it. Notice and admit it.
Saying to myself something like the following: “Yes, I am used to criticizing myself, condemning myself. And I want to change my attitude towards myself."
All change begins with acceptance or acceptance of what is.
The next step is that when you notice that you have once again criticized yourself, scolded, condemned, then find words of support for yourself.
For example, saying the following: “Yes, I was wrong. Yes, I missed something. I did it involuntarily. Probably, I was distracted by something and was distracted because of this. I can't take everything into account. I can take this into my experience. And take this into account for the future."
After all, when we begin to accuse and criticize ourselves, we often do not give ourselves the opportunity to digest what happened and translate it into our experience. To take it into account next time.
So, we were able to support ourselves after we had time to criticize ourselves.
It's already good that they supported!
The next step is that at some point we will be able to stop from criticism and instead say words of support to ourselves.
And this will be your little victory!
Further, the more often you can stop yourself from self-criticism and self-flagellation, the more this new neural network will be anchored.
And over time, this new self-sustaining habit will become as common to you as the scolding habit used to be.
Perseverance to you and good attitude to yourself!
Does it help you in life if you scold and condemn yourself?
Please share, I will be very grateful for your feedback!
It often happens that it is difficult to take these steps without the help of a psychologist.
If you need my support, please contact me!
I will be glad to help you sort out your situation and find possible ways out of it!
Until next time!
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