Find Yourself Behind A Black Hole

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

About the hole inside

Aching, all-consuming hole in the middle of the chest.

In the depths of her, somewhere is you: free, confident, loved, respected, valuable, important.

One who is loved and accepted, whose feelings and experiences they are interested in. The one you believe in. Someone who feels needed and loved. The one you are proud and admired.

Now imagine that this "YOU" - who sits somewhere deep inside, is now watching with sorrow as the boss talks respectfully and admiringly about his best team member. And this employee is not you …

And this plot is painfully familiar to you. You have known him since childhood. Someone else always turns out to be better: Petya from a neighboring yard, Igorek from the front desk, Olga, the daughter of the Ivanovs …

In your own address, you are used to hearing only something, like: "And I have some kind of fool growing up, a quarter normally cannot finish without triples."

Immediately I remember my cousin Kostya, whom my uncle talked about with gusto at every family gathering: “I bought a third apartment, a huge business, my wife is a beauty, my daughter in London to study..” And then he looked at you so sternly and asked: “Vasya, and When are you going to take up your mind? Aren't you tired of it?"

Or this daddy's voice from childhood, as if on purpose whispering so loudly that it could be heard by everyone around: "No, well, can you at least do something normally? Aren't you ashamed ?!"

Ashamed. And constantly.

Constant feelings of guilt, fear, self-contempt, helplessness, self-pity, and emptiness. Always tormented by the feeling that you are "worse than the rest", "some not like that," wrong "," flawed ", etc.

Constant thoughts: "Something is wrong with me", "Why can't I be like all of them?" Your whole life passes with these questions.

These feelings gradually grow together with you and become a permanent shame for yourself, which goes around everywhere.

The habitual black hole becomes an integral burden with which you go through life.

Very rarely there are moments when you manage to notice someone's loving look, hear about your value, importance. As if someone looked into your hole and said in such a soft tone "Vasya, what are you doing there? Get out, we are all tired of waiting for you!"

Usually you find it hard to believe it, it seems this is not about you. We saw someone else, made a mistake, confused.

And this is unbearable.

The pay to feel "I'm fine" is getting higher and higher each time.

You are ready to work on yourself, to reshape your personality completely, to improve. Most of all, you dream of becoming at last such that you finally have the right to BE. To be respected. Loved. Have noticed. Recognized. Appreciated.

Career, cars, apartments, yachts, tall blondes, 5 foreign languages, mountaineering, diving, boxing, kiting, the best universities, prestigious awards, the most worthy society, the most difficult projects, spiritual practices, esotericism, business trainings, coaching..

This is just a small thing that you are ready to do to feel "right", "good enough", to earn the right to be loved, valuable, important. To find myself behind this black hole. Just for a moment. You are willing to pay even the highest price. Give up on yourself. Fully. No residue. Become a different person.

Who knows, come. The most precious thing you have is you. The way you are now. I'm sorry it's so hard for you to see this. But it is possible. Together.