2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The client's request: "I can't find a place for myself, I'm tormented by anxiety and anxiety."
A girl approached me with a request to relieve anxiety and anxiety. She described this state as if she could not find a place for herself physically.
In a conversation, in an interesting way, she leaves the last place for herself, and in general she devotes very little space to her own experiences.
She talks a lot about relatives and their problems, very colorfully describes everything that happens in the family. And only at the end does he mention a little about his condition, almost in passing.
The therapist is obliged to trust his inner voice, and I listen … I feel regret. I want to ask her, talk, she is incredibly interesting to me: how does she live ?!
Countertransference is triggered: instead of her, I want to “give her a place,” to give her a BE. I slowly bring her to my own feelings, experiences. It's always difficult there …
An amazing mentality and upbringing in our country: how much we can talk about others and how little about ourselves. And there is a lot of sadness … We are taught that "I am the last letter in the alphabet." How expensive this rule is sometimes! Here it is, a manifestation of codependent behavior: I am in last place, if at all I can find this place in the family. And it is mainly found as a functional: a walking container, into which all negativity and tension are poured. The container is forbidden to feel, resist, hurt, complain, seek support. He is manipulated on the basis of guilt "how can you offend dad like that ?!" The family is very cruel and insensitive to the "container" itself, only devaluation and manipulation. By and large.
You can delve into family history for a very long time, understand the reasons and relationships … But I hear anxiety in my breath, in my voice. In my opinion, what we are going to discuss will have a therapeutic effect in this problem. I am convinced that there is not much use in discussing the specifics of relations with relatives, family situation and other things. The client is “looking for a place for himself” in life. He must experience this "place" in therapy. And we are going towards this experience. We talk about her, her feelings, needs, we approach the issue of boundaries.
There is relief … tears … Tears of realization, understanding and … joy. The joys of experiencing the state of "I am," "they hear me," "I am important." Tears of joy from meeting yourself as an old friend.
The subconscious mind is happy, it gets a release. And it gives us a wonderful "gift" for our work - an image.
Paying attention to himself, a person gets pleasure. And a normal healthy desire is a pleasure to prolong, to enjoy your own being. The girl asks a question. She is interested in why people show pity for stray animals, why they feel strong affection. We are disassembling this image. Moving towards awareness …
And a simple answer emerges: “Who if not me ?! What if no one feeds him ?! What if … just like that someday no one will feed me, throw me to death by starvation ?!”. In conditions of constant violation of boundaries and manipulations, a person is justifiably fearful: what if these people do not "feed" me when I need it? After all, so far only I am "feeding"! And in return they forbid me to feel hunger and need, discomfort. Then, in order to protect the psyche, a person transfers his fear to an external object: cats and dogs. And he takes pity on them, cares. And you really want to take care of yourself. But caring for others is more "legal" than caring for yourself. A person endowed with the function of a container in a family is not accustomed to take care of himself and his health. The family system does not support this. Relatives continue to remind the person that he is just a container, a functional “what are you making up? Stop doing stupid things! Yes, all your illnesses are out of your head, you turned yourself on”and the like. Personal value is not recognized. Everything is devalued: mental and physical health, experiences, needs, feelings and desires. And mainly - attempts to get out of the role of a container!
But the courageous girl finds strength in herself and asks for help. She wants to BE, she wants to "find a place for herself."
She takes a huge step towards Herself. She does it out of Love.
I wish you, dear readers, courage on the way to yourself!
Come for a consultation, call and write - ask questions!
Therapy is a place where there are two.
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