I DIDN'T FIND MYSELF IN THE WASH

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I DIDN'T FIND MYSELF IN THE WASH
I DIDN'T FIND MYSELF IN THE WASH
Anonim

I DIDN'T FIND MYSELF IN THE WASH

(to the question of female pride)

We throw about such a common phrase in the face of a partner when we are offended and confident that honor has been violated and no one appreciates us. After this emotional cry, the scenarios, as a rule, are similar: picking up suitcases, slamming doors, scandal, resentment - in any case, do not expect constructiveness. Usually men do not understand what is hidden behind this regime of a capricious little girl, what exactly we need and what we are trying to achieve, except for another insult followed by a humiliating reconciliation for a man. And the whole point is that, like the main character of the film "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears" Ekaterina or the proud Samantha from "Sex and the City", we still do not know how to talk with a partner about our true desires and are even ready to be alone, if only "not to lose face."

Pride is as different from pride as day is from night. Pride is a natural manifestation of personal self-sufficiency and a healthy awareness of one's inner maturity. That is, this is what we mean by self-esteem:

  • we demanding to ourselves, we are in a state of constant development and working through the shortcomings of our own life, which we realize, bringing it in accordance with the vision that we set ourselves as a kind of self-ideal;
  • we appreciate yourself, your time, your place in life, without belittling the value of other people, respecting their existence, way of life, thoughts, form of feeling, even if it is different from ours;
  • we open we talk about our desires, because the quality of our life depends on the sincerity and openness of the dialogue with the environment. Our partner is not a competitor, not an enemy, not a rival, but a friend, lover, an interesting person whom we ourselves have chosen and are responsible for this choice just like him;
  • we are free in the manifestation of our feelings and thoughts, because we understand that we determine our life ourselves, its quality, the level of relations with the environment depends on our decisions;

  • we study ourselves, we know our strengths and weaknesses and we take this knowledge into account when communicating with a partner. "Strength in weakness" - this is what helps to prevent yourself from being drawn into conflict with a smile and affection, not allowing yourself to be manipulated or used, what does not allow you to give up your rights and inner desires in order to preserve the appearance of good relations;
  • we do not compare ourselves with others, carefully looking for the weaknesses of the other in order to internally humiliate and hurt him, because, thinking badly about the other, we try to assert ourselves at the expense of someone, we show our own mental incompleteness, impairment and self-doubt;
  • we not a thing, not a means to an end, we are the end itself, and this awareness changes priorities, because we now have to be reckoned with.

Thus, self-esteem gives an understanding of oneself as an a priori significant person by the fact of one's birth, makes it possible to recycle negative parental patterns of behavior, regardless of the assessments and opinions of others, the consequences of upbringing or the negative influences of the environment.

Pride, nurtured by a proud desire to assert ourselves (remember the ridiculous Tosya from "Girls", which defends itself to the point of absurdity even where it is not required), to prove to others the right to our own existence, is precisely manifested in the fact that we sink to screams, threats, accusations, we intrigue, slander, compete, compete for "a place in the sun" and in every possible way mask our fear of being worse than we want to seem, and the fear of loneliness.

Consequently:

  1. Understand yourself, objectively "sorting out" your life, way of thinking and emotional sphere (you can start keeping a diary, make a table of your "+" and "-", start a "Notebook of actions and controversial thoughts", contact a psychologist or coach, take courses on self-determination, read the relevant literature);
  2. If you understand that the situation is in crisis, ask loved ones to help you, create a timeout in the family for arguments and cardinal life changes;

  3. Observe hygiene of communication: try to limit contacts with people who have too strong an influence on you and it is perceived by you as destructive, reduce to a minimum communication in social networks and scrolling through other people's feeds, do not respond with rudeness to rudeness, if you had to face it, trust your secrets to colleagues less and even friends - do not give a reason to feel sorry for you or envy you;
  4. Stop comparing yourself with anyone, work out your own life plan, where you are a director and critic;
  5. Do not engage in self-criticism and the cultivation of a sense of guilt - you are not responsible for everything that happens around you, but only for those decisions that you make yourself (for example, a working mother is constantly worried when her child is often sick, she begins to think that she herself is to blame for this). How others will relate to you depends on you: think and speak well of yourself, in fact, if you have something to say, grow your self-esteem;
  6. Talk to your partner more, respect his personal space, his desires and interests - over time it will turn out that the relationship becomes more complex, multifaceted, more interesting and it is not known what is around the corner. If you are looking for stability, then strive to more accurately designate the conditions of life together - most men love concreteness in expressing their desires and requirements;
  7. High demands on a partner and life imply the same high demands on yourself - engage in self-education, organization of your life, leisure. In order for a relationship to be long, it is necessary to constantly develop, change, grow, be full, versatile - we ourselves determine the quality of our life
  8. Don't let yourself manipulate and begin to track such aspirations in yourself. Remember the situation: in response to a simple question of concern and concern, "Have you had lunch today?" the partner suddenly explodes: "Why do you control me all the time! I'm not a child! This is already beyond any limits! You got me!" - and goes into a deaf resentment. And the other, despite the trifling beginning of the conflict, has to build bridges, feel guilt, and seek reconciliation. So you are caught in the network of a manipulator, which you yourself know how to arrange no worse than him. Manipulations (insults, tantrums, playing "in silence", caustic remarks that hurt the partner's pride) are unclean methods that are characteristic of weak, unequal, non-self-sufficient people;
  9. Pamper yourself, please with simple things and the fulfillment of old desires - you have the right to this, because there is only one life, how long can you put your dreams into a distant box?

Be happy and love life!

Illustration by T. Lempitskaya.

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