The Paradoxes Of The Decree. Part Two

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

As promised, I continue to talk about the paradoxes that I discovered by analyzing my experience and observing the coaching requests of my clients planning to go to work after the birth of their children.

The first part was devoted to the paradox "I will go to work, I will finally have a rest", and today I will talk about such an interesting topic for many women as "money for myself." Otherwise, it can be called "money for Wishlist". This is the money that a woman spends on something interesting for her, or pleasant, but not necessary from the point of view of survival. It can be learning a foreign language, buying new materials for needlework, visiting exhibitions or performances, a new pair of shoes … Something that, in the understanding of the woman herself, goes beyond the boundaries of the “living wage”. This very "minimum" can vary greatly, but the principle remains.

So, the second paradox of the decree sounds like this:

I go to work - I can spend money on myself

I would like to immediately share two important points. If a woman goes to work on maternity leave because of the deplorable financial condition of the family (the husband is sick, there is no husband at all and you need to support yourself and the child, there are some financial obligations that cannot be covered in any other way) - this is not the topic of today's discussion, since when going to work, a woman seeks to keep family incomes within the subsistence level. We are more interested in the situation when it seems that “everything is there”, but the woman, nevertheless, seeks to interrupt the decree and start making money “for herself”. That is, there is money for everything except her.

This paradox in my personal history passed as the "paradox of the German bra." The spouse provided for the family - he paid for the rent of the apartment and gave me the agreed amount "for the household" weekly. I will note right away that the amount was sufficient for running the household. And everything was fine as long as I regularly received a fairly good allowance, for which I bought something for myself personally - clothes, personal care products and similar necessities. However, when the benefits stopped, I ran into a problem - I had no money for myself. The German bra was my pipe dream and heartache - for some reason, ordinary bras ceased to fit me, and I needed special ones for oversized feeding. These were sold in a store nearby, were quite expensive, and it seemed to me that I did not have the money to buy at least one. In fact, there was money, but it was for other, "important" things - for food for the family, for gasoline for the car, for diapers … But not for me. As a result, I received the money for the purchase from my mother as a gift for some of the holidays. And only then I was able to go and get something that was not only my whim, but also a really necessary thing for my well-being. By the way, my mother did not buy such expensive underwear for herself either, and she was ready to spend money only on my "Wishlist", not on her own.

How could this possibly have happened? More precisely, why such situations might be possible? As it turned out later, they are far from uncommon, and many young mothers with whom I worked as a coach are familiar with a similar problem.

I thought that I would first describe the prerequisites for the emergence of my "German bra paradox", and then add those that I discovered in working with clients.

• First, I had a habit of being financially independent. When you have your own money, buy what you want. For many years, including being married, I satisfied my needs on my own. It seemed to me the norm and the right approach to buy my own clothes, cosmetics, pay for education … Maternity leave put everything in its place. I no longer had my own money, but my needs remained. And there was simply no other way to satisfy your needs, except how to earn money yourself.
• Secondly, my husband is not used to thinking that I need something. In his picture of the world, his wife herself earned "on pins" and these questions did not concern him. If I started to ask in time, then sooner or later he would get used to the fact that there is such an item in the family budget as "wife". However, as follows from the first point, I did not ask, since I myself believed that I needed to earn money for myself.
• Thirdly, (and I realized this much later) the lack of true love and trust in the relationship did not allow me to open up to my husband and allow him to show his concern for me. Now we are no longer a family, but working on the ability to be grateful, ask for and accept help, allowed me to learn how to calmly take money from my ex-husband. And he (and it became noticeable) is easy for me to give. Now I know that if I need something, I can just ask.

These were my "cockroaches". Now let's talk about strangers.

The fourth reason for the emergence of the paradox "I go to work - I can spend money on myself" is the problem of low self-esteem. At the time of my decree, apparently, I also had this problem, but still not very pronounced.

A lot of women sincerely believe that the fulfillment of their desires must be earnestly deserved, that they themselves, "as they are," are not particularly worthy of anything. When children appear, all resources are spent on ensuring that “the children do not need anything,” and they have “all the best,” while a mother can “get by” and “trample”. A woman stops dreaming, desiring, any of her "Wishlist" strangles in the bud, as they seem superfluous to her. By the way, men are much less likely to engage in such behavior. So, going to work for such a mom is almost the only way to spend something on yourself. However, it is very likely that even having earned money, she will not be able to step over her "inferiority", and will start spending the earned money on a house, children, husband. As a rule, a suitable couple is selected for such a woman, that is, the husband will not consider it shameful to dispose of his wife's money as his own. Such a woman will get tired much more, and she still won't have money for herself.

So what can you do about it?

• The very first step is to acknowledge the problem. Look at it directly, look at it in every detail and acknowledge that it exists and makes life less joyful and happy.
• Secondly, to remind ourselves more often that we have exactly as much as we allow ourselves to have. And if there is no money "for yourself", it means that for some reason you are not ready to have it. Family income can increase significantly, but if you think that you are "not entitled", then you will not have money for yourself.
• Third, cultivate love and trust. Non-love makes us proud, wary, resentful, greedy. And it's scary to ask someone you don't love, and it's a pity to exchange something good with him. Unfortunately, such problems cannot be resolved by withdrawing from the decree.
• Fourth, train your husband to think that you have needs. It is best if this happens before the moment when you become completely addicted. A man often has little idea of how much "women's things" cost, and simply does not plan these expenses. It is a matter of honesty - letting your man know about his needs and orienting him in the cost of meeting them, so that he can either refuse (this may be), or prepare.

In the next article I will talk about the role of creativity and self-realization for young mothers. This paradox can be called, for example, "Only creative work suits me."