"I AM THE SAME AS BEFORE" AND OTHER WOMEN'S MISCENCIES ABOUT MATERNITY

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Every woman, regardless of whether she plans to become a mother, has her own ideas and beliefs about children and motherhood in general. The content of these ideas, as well as one's own childhood experience, largely determines the desire or unwillingness to have a child. Modern parenting is different in that, despite all the seriousness and awareness in the issue of the birth and upbringing of children, many women after the birth of a baby are destroyed a lot of myths, ideas and beliefs about the child, and about motherhood in general.

What are the most common misconceptions about motherhood among modern women?

You need to be ready for motherhood

It would seem: a completely reasonable statement, what is wrong here? Of course, a conscious desire to have a baby is the most important component of readiness for motherhood. But at the same time, the reality of life with a child shows every woman that she is faced with something for which she did not even suspect that she needs to prepare. After all, becoming a mother is not just about mastering another profession or loading yourself with a dozen new chores around the house. To give birth to a child is to discover something hitherto unknown in oneself, which means - to change oneself. Motherhood draws a line “before” and “after” in the life of every woman, a new countdown begins and a rethinking of life, values, oneself takes place … Relationships with her husband, with her own mother and mother-in-law, friends - change, sometimes incredibly! And it is simply impossible to prepare for this crisis of feeling oneself. But this is also one of the components of motherhood, the new reality of life with a child.

In addition, the preparation for the birth of a child for many mothers looks in the format of "preparation for childbirth": collect bags for the maternity hospital, buy a "dowry" for the baby, learn different breathing techniques and the basic basics of caring for a newborn. But in practice, it turns out that the birth of a baby is just a grain of sand in the sea of events, emotions and responsibilities of the mother, which have to be mastered only in the process.

And this does not mean that you do not need to prepare at all! Of course, planning and preparing for the birth of a baby is necessary. It's just that in moments when you come across something that you did not even know about, you should not reproach yourself for insufficient preparation or unpreparedness for the birth of a child. Motherhood is an area that can only be grasped empirically.

MOTHERHOOD IS "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT"

Oh, this is one of the very first disappointments of newborn moms! There is an idealistic idea that love for a baby wakes up at first sight into his eyes. But, having become a mother for the first time, having survived the birth pain and being still in a state of altered consciousness, rarely does any woman admit to instantly awakened feelings for the baby. And this is quite natural, because before you fall in love, you need to find out! As a rule, mothers admit that they began to feel true love for their first child only when they learned to understand him a little, and most importantly, to receive "feedback" from him: to see how he recognizes his mother, smiles and rejoices at her, calms down with her on handles, looking for contact.

Modern scientists agree that even the notorious "maternal instinct" arises not as a result of the birth and bearing of a baby, but as a result of interaction with the baby. Therefore, do not worry if suddenly you are not covered with a wave of love while still in the delivery room - your feelings for the baby will certainly manifest over time! And if a newborn seems to be “alien”, “unusual”, “unlike” and even “ugly”, this is not a reason to be scared, reproach yourself and label yourself as “would-be-mother”. It's just that you both need time to get to know and get used to each other.

I AM THE SAME AS BEFORE

In modern civilized society, unfortunately, there is no "fashion" for motherhood. Well, or rather, she seems to be there, but only a mother in this motherhood is so picture-perfect, doing everything, beautifully looking. That is, in fact, the image of a “successful woman” is imposed on us from all sides, whose life has not changed a bit since the birth of a child! In her life there is everything that BEFORE, only now the fashionable toddler is smiling in the photo on social networks. And this wonderful woman, God forbid!, Did not turn into a "quota", did not add extra pounds, did not become boring for friends, she still freely conducts discussions on the latest trends in fashion and geopolitics. To admit that, apart from diapers and vaccinations, a young mother at the moment is not interested in anything so much, somehow embarrassing and unfashionable, to tell that the greatest joy of the day is that the baby finally poop is generally indecent!

And it often happens that having given birth to a child, a woman is still trying to prove to herself and to those around her that she will definitely not become such a "home slut" in every sense of the word. That neither her lifestyle, nor interests, nor values have changed. And then it can become very difficult in motherhood. Because successful adaptation to a new life with a child begins precisely with the realization that life has definitely changed. It hasn't gotten better or worse. She's just different now. And the woman is definitely not the same as before.

This does not mean that a newly-made mother must certainly forget about all spheres of life, except motherhood! But priorities and accents are definitely shifting. All the old life remains, it's just that now another person has appeared, with whom it needs to be coordinated. And it is important to realize this even from the moment of planning pregnancy. The birth of a child reveals a new self in every woman. The experience of motherhood reshapes knowledge about life and oneself, rearranges values, changes relationships. Becoming a mother is not only about building a relationship with a new person, it is building a new relationship with yourself.

MOTHERHOOD IS A JOB

A very common phrase is "parenting is hard work." Or else "motherhood is the most difficult of the professions." I confess that I don't really like such turns. Because it might suggest that motherhood is something that can be perfectly mastered. Or finish and leave. Or pause and take a vacation. No, motherhood is not a profession, not a job, not a “shift at a factory”. Motherhood is, first of all, a relationship! A relationship that never ends. And at each stage of a child's growing up, these relationships require revision, re-establishment of rules and boundaries, a change in the balance of control and trust. You can never stop being a mom. Unlike work, which you can not come to, take a vacation or quit altogether.

Well, then, we have been learning to be mothers all our lives. Because being a mom of a teenager is completely different from being a mom of a year old. And being a mother of two is not at all like one child. Motherhood is not a status. This is a state that changes with us and that changes us.

CHILDREN IS HAPPINESS

Of course, children bring a lot of happiness to our lives. I would even say that for me this happiness is the most real! But there is one "but" that for some reason they forget to mention. Children are NOT ONLY happiness. Motherhood gives us very different emotions, among which there are also fear, anxiety, sadness, irritation, despair, regret, fatigue, anger, guilt … the very motherhood, and in the relationship with the child.

It is important to realize that in motherhood, as in any other relationship, it will be very different. And since parenting is, first of all, responsibility, then in addition to love, anxiety and experiences will be a ringing string through all childhood and the period of growing up of a child. And it should be treated with readiness and acceptance.

And children are not the only happiness. If a woman sees her only meaning and purpose in the birth of a child, then this places a huge responsibility on the child. After all, coming into this world to make someone happy and to give the meaning of life is a very difficult task, you must agree. And such a task provides for too many expectations from the person responsible for it.

THE CHILD WILL GROW UP AND BECOME EASIER

Every mother remembers that while she was carrying a pregnancy, the thought was spinning in her head: "The main thing is to inform and give birth safely." And it seemed that then - everything! You can finally exhale and relax. The worst and most responsible is over! But, as a rule, every newborn mother in the first months of her life already understands that “the most important and most important thing” is just beginning. And as soon as the worries about childbirth calm down, as soon as sleepless nights from colic or teeth pass, we are covered with new worries and worries, because everything that we encounter during the growing up of a child is always for the first time. Even if the child is not the first.

And then the hope flashes again that the main thing is the first year. And then it's easier, simpler, clearer. And it seems like on the one hand it is - the mother is already gaining confidence in her abilities, learns to understand her child better than anyone else in the world, he is no longer so helpless and dependent. At the same time, every mother knows that it is impossible to stop worrying about a child. Yes, the degree of intensity of emotions is subsiding, anxiety no longer permeates every action and decision. But still, as you grow older, new questions and experiences will appear that were not there before. It is not for nothing that wise parents of already grown-up children say: “Small children are small problems. Big kids are big problems. And you just need to be aware that in everyday life, of course, it will become easier when the child grows up. But in an emotionally disturbing sense, everything will only be richer! As a familiar mother of two children told me: “Every year I understand less and less in the role of a mother” …

Well, the secret is also that it becomes easier in everyday life not when the child turns one year old or the baby starts sleeping all night, starts walking or talking. It becomes easier when the mother learns to live with the child: to relax, work, cook, clean, travel - and all this together, and not during a period without him. Because motherhood is forever, and by and large it is a permanent step beyond the usual comfort - the way it was "before". And when you finally come to terms with this and do not wait "when already ?!" - then it comes "easier". When feeding a baby from a whole ceremony turns into just satisfying hunger; when playing with a baby is just spontaneous mutual pleasure, and not development according to instructions; when the child fits into the life and rhythm of the family, and not the whole family revolves around the baby - his whims, whims and interests; when a mother lives with a child, and does not just serve him, organizing a separate special children's world - then it becomes easier. And this can happen in the first month of motherhood, and in the first year, or it can happen that the child will always be perceived as a difficulty and limitation.

OTHER MOMS ALL SUCCESS

In this simple sentence, I want to make out literally every word! First, who are they - "other mothers"? There are more than 7 billion people on planet Earth, half of them are women, another quarter of them, I assume, are mothers. In total, there are about 1 million “other mothers”. Is it possible at all to make up of them at least some approximate collective image? Very unlikely. That's why I know for sure that “other mothers” are such a diverse character that lives in the heads of many mothers and with whom they often compare themselves, and not for the better.

And secondly, what exactly “all” these mythical other mothers have time to do and how do we actually know about this? Indeed, by definition, “everything” cannot be done by anyone, but it is possible and important to do the main thing. And this is the main thing for each of the millions of mothers - their own. Because the world is very diverse, life values and approaches to raising children - too. And even with classmates with whom we studied all our conscious childhood and seemed to be brought up in the same cultural environment, we sometimes have very different views on raising children and understanding what will be best for them. And this is not because someone is smarter, but someone is more stupid. Because we are different. And motherhood reveals all the most important moments in life for us, and not only regarding children, but also life in general. Therefore, you should not look around, comparing yourself with others! Each mother has her own difficulties, and each has her own resource to cope with them. In addition, we never really know everything) After all, how much remains behind the scenes and behind the door of every mother's bedroom, how sometimes her reality in the photo on social networks differs from the daily routine and life with the baby.

I WILL BE THE RIGHT MOM

Perfect. The very best! I will give the best to my child. Familiar statements? It all starts with finding the perfect stroller and the best maternity hospital, buying the warmest winter overalls and the most beautiful clothes, getting the right preparation for childbirth and choosing a super-professional pediatrician. And I want to do all this in the right way, so that the best and most useful, so that there is no doubt that I am a good mother.

And then it happens! Real experience. Which shows that even the best maternity hospital may not live up to some expectations, and the most competent doctor disappoints, and the most thoughtful decisions may end up being wrong. And it becomes obvious for a woman that choosing the best is, first of all, not a guarantee of perfection. And secondly, it is impossible in principle. Because there are a million criteria for the best - and everyone has their own. Well, and also a mature, adult mother has an understanding that she will still have mistakes. Because a priori it is unrealistic to always do everything right. Because we are alive - and we tend to make mistakes, and that's okay. Because being perfect is not an end in itself for motherhood. And no matter how hard we try, our children will still have something to tell their psychotherapist about;)