Comfortable Baby

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Let's say there is a family. There is a mother, a child, and other relatives. They live, they live. And suddenly (!) They understand that the child has become bad, uncomfortable. What to do? Psychologist! I need to see a psychologist! Who will be taken to a psychologist? That's right, child. The one who is bad will be led.

A psychologist is a punishment for a bad child. Sometimes psychologists are even frightened. "If you study like this, I'll take you to a psychologist!" The child is frightened. This is such a "wonderful" trend. Previously, they were frightened by the police, now with us….

Something is wrong here…. For a start, why are they scaring us? It seems that we do not rush at people with knives, a helping profession. But, alas, in our traditions it is still believed that “a strong person solves problems himself”, that “psychos go to psychologists”, “the best psychologist is a friend with a bottle of vodka”. And that a person who bravely did not go to a psychologist, as a result, has psychosomatics, alcoholism and a whole bunch of problems…. Well, who cares? They will say: “You are so strong! So you fight with fate! And our hero with a twitching eye seems to be easier.

An important point that parents forget: a child does not live in a vacuum, but in a family. He himself cannot become bad, since the family is a complex system, a single organism, everyone influences each other.

Child psychologists are wonderful people, you can take a child to them, there is nothing dangerous in this. But this is not enough. If a good specialist starts to work great with a child: a common language finds an approach, then where does the child return day after day? Home. Where are all the same relatives, where, for example, mom has a fifth husband, and a third, an alcoholic, also lives in them, because his apartment, well, the child's blood father comes in once a week to tell mom that she is a slut. Or everything is different: mom is a wonderful worker, clever, successful leader, but at home she simply collapses. There is no escape from the family, it is an adult who can become mentally strong and leave, the child is attached to the situation.

Therefore, mom, and sometimes other relatives, will have to start with herself. For the sake of the child.

Moreover, the child often does not need therapy at all. A “comfortable child” is a child who does not interfere. Very often, the request for a “good child” is precisely the need for a non-interfering complaisant, practically absent child. I want to study for grades, to clean the room, not to be rude, to go to sports and take all the first places there, and also to play the violin and perform at concerts. And the rest of the time, read-read-read.

And the child does not want to, the child wants to play with friends, does not study well at hiding the marks … Bad, in a word. Communication with friends at certain stages of development for a child is many times more important and will give a lot for the future life, lies are protection from a destructive or self-destructive reaction of a mother to marks (no one wants to listen to the words “you’re ignorant” or groans “you’re killing me”). But we were brought up differently, we were brought up “comfortable”. It is difficult to admit that you can do not as is customary, but in a different way. More, play rather than “build”, communicate more, rather than teach, and be calmer about poor grades, since they are not an indicator of knowledge, but rather an indicator of whether a child is bored to learn or not, what abilities he has, what is interesting to him. By the way, for such purposes it is good to visit a child psychologist: to discuss the interests of the child. And set boundaries. You don't need to be friends with a child, a parent is not an equal, a parent is a parent, that is, someone who is able to understand, accept, set boundaries, teach and protect.

Sometimes a mother simply cannot clearly convey what she wants, what is right and what is not, her opinion changes every day, she herself is still a girl. The child is not able to deal with such conflicting information. The psychologist to whom the mother came will not teach her how she needs to raise the child (if there is, this is a reason to change the specialist), she will not criticize. But you have to delve into yourself. Again, no one will force it, this is voluntary. First of all, the specialist will allow the mother to become an adult herself, to believe that everyone has problems, and you can live with this, gradually solving them.

And there are times when almost all children behave significantly worse. For example, in the area of three years old or at a transitional age. In the first case, the child learns to separate from his mother and be independent, in the second, the teenager experiences a lot of unpleasant sensations associated with hormonal surges and intense growth and body changes. In this case, the mother only has to contain all the negativity that her child throws out. That is, to withstand and accept aggression. And it is very good if this negative is there in the open. After all, the ability to express aggression against someone is trust in that person, the belief that he "will not fall apart" will withstand. So the kid, who was cheerful all day with his grandmother, when his mother came home from work, throws a colossal scandal. Mom is upset. And he just got bored and tired, and throws out his emotions to a reliable person as he can so far. If a mother is able to cope with the fact that a three-year-old child is rolling head over heels on the floor, if she does not make concessions, but at the same time helps the child to survive his anger and preserve himself, then her child will grow up not at all as a "tantrum", but completely calm and happy person. But the topic of crises is a separate article.

In conclusion, I would like to wish the parents to be calmer about "the right way" and to trust their feelings more. And do not oppose yourself to the child. He is not separate - he is part of the family. We want “comfortable children” because it is our strength to cope with the usual ones, which means that we should first understand ourselves.

Alexandra Pozharova, psychoanalyst psychologist

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