"Fly", Sex And Pregnancy (pages From The Diary)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

From the author: I am publishing a page from the diary of my client, with his consent.

Perhaps I found something in shaping my attitude towards women, sex and subsequent pregnancy. Recently, I started watching films, which, in general, is not typical for me. And a few days ago I saw the name of the film and vividly remembered it. A clear memory arose in me and an understanding that there was something in him. I vaguely remembered its plot, as in a dream, everything is covered with a veil, but I distinctly remembered the chilling fear experienced and the extremely terrible impression of watching. I assumed that then watching this film left a strong imprint on my psyche and my perception through icy fear. The film is called "The Fly", 1986. The genre of this film is horror. I can't remember where it was exactly, presumably Sister and I watched it on a cassette video recorder, in poor quality. The parents were not at home. Most likely, I was 5-6 years old, she was 12-13 years old. I remember how I was afraid to look at the screen, closed my eyes and ran out of the room. But, since there was still interest, I watched and remembered some of the scenes. And, apparently, he survived them together with the heroes, which did not remain without a trace, and, unfortunately, was deposited in the unconscious …

After a while, several times in our life, when we talked in the company and talked about the fears we had experienced, I remember that I gave an example from my life, namely the feeling of fear received from watching this film. Later it was forgotten and not taken seriously. I reviewed it yesterday. I would not say that I felt fear or pain, but while watching, even now, my state changed. I marked scenes from the film, with possible patterns of my behavior, and, in my opinion, they coincide. I want to work through and take into account these events. Abomination, paralyzing fear, imaginary consequences, the transfer of events to my childhood real life, disgust and terrible, terrible fear. Now I will try to tell you about the plot, and at the same time celebrate the manifestations in my life, my personal life.

The main character of the film is a brilliant young scientist, witty and resourceful in life, who independently in his laboratory developed and successfully conducted an experiment on teleportation of things (sock, kettle, etc.). He is a little closed in himself, and according to the film, he does not really know how to communicate with women. At one conference, he meets a journalist, a very beautiful young and active woman who does not put a finger in her mouth. She works in a magazine and looks for sensations. He clumsily tries to get to know her, she agrees to go home with him, but in order to see the invention, which, in his words, will change the world. In general, it is difficult for him at first to communicate with her, but then, over time, he charms her, and she chooses him. She is the leader in their relationship [This is typical of me and my expectations for a luxurious and especially active strong woman, to see me and my genius and choose me]. In the film, she was the first to kiss him romantically and sexually, I remember that, and the hero did not expect this. They began to meet in his laboratory and, most likely, in this film I first became acquainted with the visual image of sex. Sex was present in this film vividly, but not frankly. I remember the elements of my excitement, shyness, and interest. I liked to sneak a look at sex scenes. Further on in the film, this girl was pursued by an ex-boyfriend, and she periodically sorted out the relationship with him - it turns out that the relationship was built around her, a kind of triangle [This can also be attributed to my life: I often entered into relationships and chose girls who were still in relationships or ended them. It always hurt me and the relationship did not develop creatively, and their beginning was always difficult].

And then somehow, in the midst of a romantic evening, she abruptly breaks down and leaves to her ex-boyfriend to finally end the relationship, and this main character, jealous of her departure, gets drunk and drunk decides on an experiment that he has dreamed of all his life. He wanted to teleport a person, and thereby change the whole world and ideas about movements and boundaries. Before that, he tried to teleport the monkey, but nothing succeeded, and the monkey was moved inside out. As befits a classic horror movie, it was shown as a bloody, twitching mess of bones, blood and flesh. And so he modified this device, and the drunk climbed into this teleport, and began to move himself. A fly flew into the same cockpit, and the teleportation process took place for both of them. At first glance, the process went well, but only at first glance. An irreparable and terrible thing happened - a man united with a fly, at the level of genes and DNA. [Perhaps that is why I have been so categorical about alcohol since school and have no desire to drink it. Moreover, I am still afraid of it]. After the incident, the main character felt elevated, light and free. He has acquired the ability to great strength and flexibility, endurance. In the film, he is often shown without a shirt, he has an average physique, but aesthetically very beautiful - I then drew attention to this. [Perhaps from that experience, I developed a craving for sports and a desire to be in excellent physical shape].

But the flip side of this lightness and superpowers was a mutation into a fly. Ugly hairs began to appear on his body, he ate a lot of sweets, his hair began to fall out, but he did not notice it and was obsessed with his success. Perhaps I partially identified with this hero. I remember a sex scene where he, already mutating, had sex with this girl for hours - she was already tired and physically exhausted, and he kept on endurance and sex dominance]. I remembered these scenes very much and became a part of my perception, however, at the same time, there was an understanding that this was not natural and that something was happening that would lead to grief and horror.

And now, in euphoria, under the influence of passion, he tries to force her to teleport, but she refuses to do this, and he kicks her out, although at the beginning of the relationship he treats her romantically and caringly. Then he goes outside, goes to a bar, where he drinks and finds a prostitute, whom he takes from the big man by force, breaking his arm with an open fracture (all this is shown, as in a horror movie). He treats it like a thing, winning it on a $ 100 bet. He takes her away, takes her to his home and again a sex scene follows - he has sex with her hard and for a long time, lecherous. The woman is shown very sexy and approachable. She easily agrees to sex and just as easily leaves, even somehow comical and easy. [Perhaps I also looked for this in relationships with girls and sex, because for the first time after sex I always wanted to leave this girl, not to see her, to avoid further continuation of the relationship].

So, in the film there are two models of relationships: the first - in which there is love and craving, there is sex, but this leads to the terrible consequences of pregnancy from a mutant and the birth of a freak and vile creature. And the second model is hard sex with a prostitute, very exciting, easy, without consequences and non-binding, with the subsequent abandonment of her. [I think this is the last relationship I’m aiming for because it’s not so tragic].

As a result, the first girl who had a loving and warm relationship with the main character has a dream: she lies on an obstetric chair, covered in blood and with terrible pains giving birth to a child! Doctors make terribly amazed faces, all this to music that gives goosebumps. Here comes a child - this is a fly larva, disgusting, ugly and foreign. A piercing, doomed cry of the heroine is heard, she wakes up in despair and horror. [Perhaps this is why my terrible fear and inadequate reaction to the news about the possible pregnancy of my girls is connected. I can honestly admit that I grew cold with fear in real life, lost and weakened when the possibility of pregnancy appeared. Yes, even now I am afraid like fire of this moment of conception and childbirth. For me, it was as if the whole world was falling out from under my feet and I was plunging into the abyss of hopelessness]. I experienced this moment of the film very closely, I was scared and did not accept this situation. I suppose that I identified with this woman, since I also had a predisposition to dominate femininity. I was really scared, so much that I could not step off the couch or bed on which I was sitting. My psyche took everything so realistically that I was ready to wet myself rather than go to the toilet in the dark. By the way, I can assume that it is this fear of pregnancy and childbirth that underlies my denial of girls. After all, if a relationship is formed, it will lead to pregnancy, and pregnancy for me is a terribly terrible phenomenon in the subconscious. Therefore, I deliberately do not start a relationship.

As a result, this film ended even more tragically. The main character mutated into a huge disgusting and evil insect, he killed everyone and prevented his girlfriend from having an abortion, because he cared about the continuation of his kind, so ugly and disgusting. She suffered and sought an abortion, hated this fetus in herself and repeated that she wanted it to be extracted from her. In the end, she kills the main character in the head with a shotgun, but still realizing, at the same time, that he was her beloved man. This is terrible and tragic, because there was love between them, they were both promising and beautiful, and this is the result. All this was shrouded in fear, hopelessness, horror and filthy insect fluids and the collapse of the future. The complete meaninglessness of the future life and the uselessness of the lived one. Probably, this is how my acquaintance with the aspects of personal life and procreation happened.

I can say for sure that it was difficult for me to start sex, and I want my partner to quickly disappear from my eyes. I am subconsciously afraid that the girl will become pregnant, and I will experience extreme horror, life will be over. I also identified with the main character, who was rejected due to a mutation, became ugly and doomed, but who also fought for his nasty life. And, as it were, he also loved the heroine, but he was guided by the instincts of an insect. By the way, his skin was decomposing throughout the film.

It is hard and sad that a film of unknown people played such a strong role in my life.… I think that he will or was one of the circumstances of my relationship with women. I caught myself thinking that in words I declare a desire to love a woman, start a family and have children, but, honestly, in the subconscious, due to the terrible trauma of the child's psyche, I will do the opposite in order to prevent relationships that will lead to childbirth. And the same scheme that I should not allow love for a woman, because this warm and supreme feeling will lead to terrible and tragic consequences. I never fall in love with anyone. I am comfortable alone, in fact, and I will not subconsciously allow something terrible and irreparable to happen when pregnancy occurs. So I choose for myself the images of girls that are inaccessible to me. This allows me to justify that I am striving to create a family, but this will not be carried out due to the constraining fear of action.

These thoughts make me feel sick, it's hard for me to understand - how is that?

An example with Lena and Tanya, when both one and the other offered me to come home to me, actually have sex, and instead of having sex, I was just scared and avoided meeting. I'm afraid of relationships with girls. Lena, I simply refused, saying that "you understand - this can lead to sex." And dozens of similar situations. It is necessary to work it out in sessions - perhaps one of the reasons for this too. In those few hours of childhood fear and fright. By the way, I never told anyone about it in such detail, I didn’t even think about how this film could influence me …

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Alexander

(Women's names in the text have been changed - author's note)