2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Aglaya Dateshidze. The fallen one never gets up empty-handed
Three years ago I got sick. Not fatal, but chronic. The disease crept up unnoticed every day and took up more and more space in my body, gradually exhausting me with iron deficiency anemia.
How is anemia manifested, which grows imperceptibly? Minus 1-2 units of hemoglobin per month. Very nonspecific. At first you just get very tired in the evening, but it seems to be normal for such a volume of work. And generally speaking. You recently returned from Vladivostok, what do you want? Then you wake up tired in the morning. But it seems like a lack of sleep? I need a drink of tea! You love pu-erh … Then you realize that going up the stairs you are suffocating after the second floor, and your legs are like stone. But this is right for you, you gave up your morning runs! Then you prefer to sit, and not stand, and it is better to lie in general, staring blankly at the ceiling. Well, you're lazy! Get up and have a meaning in life! Then you give up travel and training in other cities and countries. Probably you have a crisis of professional identity? Maybe you have a different calling now? Then you stop writing, because your head is so dull and lethargic that thoughts can hardly creep one after another. Maybe you, mother, have written out? I'm mired in a routine. And then you stop recognizing yourself in the mirror, you become significantly gray, you cease to fit into all your clothes, you get on the scales and you see ten extra pounds. But this is understandable! After all, you prefer to ride a taxi everywhere, and eat a lot of sweets (sweets quickly give energy when you are exhausted). And in general, you will soon be 38, it's time to get fat and become auntie, you have a difficult heredity. Look at your grandmother! And then you stop wanting to dance. And at this moment you no longer feel anything but hopeless horror …
This is approximately how I reasoned for the past year and a half, losing strength every month until I ended up with a good doctor. And you know something told me? He said that psychotherapists are the most difficult patients, for they are firmly convinced that all the problems are in their heads. Do you understand my father?
Anemia is like an inconspicuous hole in an inflatable mattress. Here you float on it and feel that it is blown away. And if you don't know exactly where this hole is, you just start pumping it up. You swing, swing, spend strength, increase the air pressure, which in turn expands the ill-fated hole, which bleeds air even faster, becoming deadly. And as a result, you yourself aggravate your situation. So it was with me! To somehow cheer up, I tried to get up early, drink pu-erh, Ivan tea and coffee, throw in vitamins, do yoga, go to therapy, deal with my psychological impotence, specifically crawl up the stairs to the 11th floor out of breath and limit myself to food, which ultimately led me to an even greater loss of strength, and then to the need for surgical treatment, which was necessary. It became important to understand that if the disease has reached a critical point, simple exercises, psychotherapy, diet and lifestyle cannot be cured.
The most unpleasant thing is not even the disease itself, but ignorance. When the condition worsens, and you do not know why and consider it the result of your wrong life.
I'm fine now. In fact, it became okay even when I realized that I was sick and stopped thoughtlessly whipping myself up. I accepted the fact that I have little strength and this is a given. And so that I have them and that the stalemate does not happen again, I have to let go of a lot. And my omnipotence, and attempts to accelerate with the help of coffee, and remorse for the fact that I work less. The forces are running out. I only have them for important things. Lord, what a relief!
The fallen one never gets up empty-handed. What did anemia and surgical treatment give me? Surprisingly, I was able to take a lot from there. And all that is necessary!
- Ability to refuse. When you can’t, when you don’t want, when theoretically you can, but don’t want, when you’re tired, when you have other plans, when your intuition prompts.
- Ability to score. Let it go, put it off, not do it, delegate, exhale, let it go, lose, not succeed, free it. Believe it or not, it was the hardest part!
- Ability to live softly. When you are not strong enough, you stop fighting or work hard. You stop living stupidly on power. You stop butting at those who want to butt. Without further ado, you go your own way, relying on everything you can rely on. Getting around conflicts is key for me. There are not so many fundamental moments in life, but nonsense on which you can spend your life - in bulk. I stayed only where they love me and work with me. Digging a hole inside yourself is very exciting, but now I prefer not to dig, but to build.
- Ability to ask for help from everyone and release from freeloaders. If you are helping, collaborating or exchanging - you are welcome. If you strain it - thanks, it's not worth it.
- Ability to eat meat. Yes Yes!
- Understanding how many friends I have. A lot of!
- Ability to free up time. That's right on everything and go to bed, lunch or swim. And just write a diary. By the way, the diary is generally a godsend.
- The ability to make yourself pleasant on an ongoing basis. There are many small ways to keep the good going throughout the day. Keeping a delicate balance without kinks. I have never been happier in my life than I am now. And this happiness is manageable. CONTROLLED!
- Ability to reassemble yourself. Physically and not only.
- The ability to respect yourself in your affairs and in your inaction. In their quirks and in their illness. Respect for your beauty and your desire for comfort. Respect for your choice.
- Reducing the speed from the first space speed to a simple human. And, imagine, at such a speed all goals are achieved much more efficiently. For example, for years I flew like a mad bird at festivals and learned to sing thousands of kilometers from St. Petersburg, and in the process of slowing down I discovered a choir studio in the next front door. NEARBY CARL!
- Ability to dance and exercise in a new way gently, leaning on the structure, spending a minimum of effort. Help yourself with breathing, take support from earth and sky. A new dance is generally a song. An acquisition that you want to share.
I do not advise anyone to go through such an experience, but I don’t know how to acquire wisdom without experience.
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