2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Each of us dreams of a happy and harmonious partnership. (Here the girls nod in agreement, and the boys grin, but in fact they also want to do it this way - in love and harmony). Then what happens - you just have to be together and enjoy happiness? But still, something constantly interferes with this “just together”. Mismatch of views on life, complex characters, resentment? Yes, of course, this too. But I, as a system planner, also know about much deeper reasons, on which anything is then layered. Especially in cases where the same destructive scenarios are repeated in your relationship: all your women leave you for better-off rivals or all your men turn out to be losers …
So, the root causes that can interfere with the relationship - based on knowledge about systems and my experience with systemic constellations:
- Inharmonious relationship with parents. The most interesting thing is that parents may no longer exist, but our relations with them always remain, and inside ourselves we can prove something to them for a very long time, argue, accuse, make claims … And we build relationships with partners according to the same scheme: we argue, we prove, we are offended. You will not return to childhood, you will not change anything there, but right now we can accept our parents as they are and thank them for the life they have donated. This can be done in constellation, meditation, any other practice, or simply in your heart. Because if an offended child lives inside us, who has not been given love, then from our map of the world we will build such partnerships where we can be that offended child and unconsciously put a partner in the parent's place, expecting parental love from him. And then such a relationship is far from harmonious - we get a Child-Parent relationship, in which we will be constantly offended and not given love. It is worth getting rid of claims to parents (especially to mom) - and a partner appears who does not have to make claims.
- Systemic entanglement with someone of a kind. In the practice of systemic constellations, we are constantly faced with the fact that, for various reasons, people fall into some kind of hidden connection with any of the family members - this is a way in which a tribute of love and respect is unconsciously returned. Since this connection is hidden, we do not even suspect that we are in a systemic entanglement (and even more so with whom). And all would be fine, but out of great love we take upon ourselves a part of the fate of this person, often the hardest part of it … And then a woman can live her whole life alone out of loyalty to her grandmother, to whom her husband did not return from the war. Or a man can move from one relationship to another all his life, repeating the fate of his father, who only had five official marriages …
- Abortions and Lost Children. There can be two scenarios that are destructive for partnerships. First: it is believed that when a child is aborted, couples are "aborted" and their relationship, and often this is followed by parting, because for a woman a man is a protector, and if he allowed the loss of a child, then the partner is unreliable, and unconsciously the woman will seek to break up with him relationship. Second: a woman who has lost a child (even if it was her decision) can unconsciously go into grief and "forbid" herself to be happy and loved. And then it doesn't matter whether she stayed with her former partner or found another - subconsciously she will have a ban on happiness, and consciously she will wonder what is wrong with her. These women often come up with requests like “My life seems empty and meaningless to me,” “I don't feel the taste of life,” etc.
- Incomplete past relationships. When some of the past relationships were not completely completed and some feelings remained (love, hate, claims, resentments, etc.)- our energy flows there, and then it is difficult to build new, harmonious ones. That is why it is recommended that you first part with your old partner, give yourself some time to close these relationships, and then build new ones. Otherwise, it may turn out that you declare - "in active search", but your heart is still busy, others feel it - and new relationships do not develop. A completed relationship is when all the balances are closed, the results are summed up, and there are no complaints or grievances left in the heart of the person.
It would seem, where is our first romance and where is our current love, and yet the practice of constellations shows that in most cases these reasons lie in the depths of problems in relationships and partings.
Therefore, if you do not have a good harmonious relationship, I advise you to contact a constellator: what if these failures have deep roots? Then they can be seen and worked out and … Who knows how everything will change.
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