Love Up To Condition

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

My husband-to-be and I are perfectly caught up in each other's trauma, and our relationship is essentially an attempt to rewrite history. For obvious reasons, I will not go into details, but I want to talk about why it is impossible to "love" someone to the desired condition.

Often, lovers have a desire to “save and warm”. It would seem that the desire to envelop a loved one with care and tenderness is completely natural. In fact, this is dictated not so much by love for one's neighbor as by the need to realize one's own ideal scenario. Everything we do, we subconsciously do for ourselves - especially if from the outside it looks like a victim. Someone seeks to correct previously committed injustice, someone wants to heal their own wounds through a partner. Here are just a traumatic person, for whom such a relationship is a novelty, it is impossible to "love" to a state of "healthy psyche" no matter how hard you try. I'm not talking about representatives of various personality disorders.

If a person initially considers himself unworthy of love (the reasons may be different and most come from childhood), he will meet your attempts with hostility - sometimes with curiosity, more often with distrust, in most cases - with unconscious aggression. There are two standard scenarios: 1) “if you love me like that, then you are wrong” and 2) “if you love me like that, then something is wrong with you”. Depending on the chosen number, the traumatic person either falls into a state of defense, or slides into depreciation. Someone goes into a deep defense, trying at any cost not to show their real self - after all, then you will finally see the light and leave. Someone goes all over the place - after all, since you fell in love with such insignificance, then you are worth a penny and you have nothing to reckon with. This is not a conscious plan and calculation to offend you - this is how trauma manifests itself.

What to do? Correct the cause. Cracks in the walls can be filled as much as you want, but a house with a damaged foundation will never be safe. So it is with relationships. Even at the cost of one's own life, it is impossible to erase past losses and pain from the partner's psyche - unless he himself wants to heal himself - to grow to the state of an adult “I”, to forgive what is possible, and to let go of what cannot be forgotten. And personal therapy is the most direct and shortest path to a solution. No, this is not an advertisement. This is an experience. Take care of yourself.