2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
What happens to the child if the parent does not cope with their parenting tasks? Consider a case in which a parent is trying to adopt or adopt a child of their own. There are many subtleties in this process that are easy to overlook, they appear in the little things, but confidently lead to a certain result.
How is it shown:
- when a parent expects praise, understanding, support, recognition from a child, and if he does not receive what he wants, he is offended;
- when the child must, by his behavior, confirm the goodness of the parent: that he is correct and his methods of upbringing are successful. If the child does not behave in the way that is required of him, then the parent, unable to cope with his own shame and guilt, begins to devalue and condemn his child, not noticing his responsibility in what is happening;
- when the parent is afraid of condemnation and accusation from the child; asks for permission to take any action;
- when the child has the right to limit and set conditions. Especially when it comes to the personal life of an adult;
- when the child must restrain and contain his emotions in order to keep the parent as more vulnerable;
- if the child is forbidden to get angry, reject, express dissatisfaction, because the parent will be worried, upset, frightened, offended, he will be ashamed, and so on;
- a child cannot be irresponsible, helpless, do stupid things and make mistakes, he must always cope in order not to create problems for dad and mom, they did not give birth to him for this.
What is the risk of such adult behavior?
In all these cases, the child begins to take the place of the elder and perform parental functions: to be responsible for a safe emotional space, to withstand his own feelings and others, to support, ensuring the growth and development of a person dependent on him. It is also the responsibility of the parent to set limits, to form morality through shame and guilt. And now all this is passed on to the child. He changes places with the adult and is given responsibility for him.
The child receives power that is not appropriate for his age. He pledges to give, cherish and endure as stronger and more fulfilled. At the same time, he is deprived of the right to be small, weak and ignorant, to be loved in any of its manifestations and the right to develop naturally.
At a certain moment, a growing up person has a problem with separation and exit into his free independent life. How can you leave a parent if he is now your "child"? Yours for life. "Children" are not abandoned, they are taken care of and cherished. He has no right to reject his parent, leave alone, with the confidence that he will survive and cope with life on his own.
On the other hand, only in this status can he receive the love of his parents, feel good and needed. Addiction is forming.
Children who are assigned to the role of parents of their parents find it very difficult. In this case, the separation will take place with a huge sense of guilt, feeling like a traitor, with an absolute lack of support from an adult who is not interested in the separation and development of his child. And it’s good if it happens at all, because the price can be a complete breakdown of relations. And this is a very painful process for both sides.
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