Aggressive Teenager Withdrawal And Neutralization

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

- Listen, you stupid donkey, my mother told me to come, so I have to sit here, but you cannot make me speak.

“I can’t blame you for getting angry when you are forced to do something you don’t want to do.”

He clenches even more, crosses his arms. His evil gaze is replaced by a smug grin.

“You know, you’re not a gift for me either. Apparently, we will have to spend some time together. In any case, it would be nice to get some benefit from this situation. Why don't you tell me about the reasons your mother decided to refer you to me?

- Leave me alone.

“Your mother told me over the phone that you couldn't graduate from school if you didn't do better in the coming weeks.

He looks at me with an expression of complete disdain. Then he shrugs. I also shrug my shoulders in response, imitating his movements. In any case, this is a kind of communication.

“She also said that your friends are worried about you. What is your best friend's name? Ronnie? - I deliberately distorted the name. - It was Ronnie who called your mother and said that he was worried about you, because you have been in a bad mood lately.

- Lonnie.

- Sorry, did not hear?

- Lonnie. His name is Lonnie. Can you even get it right?

- Thanks to. So Lonnie. What's the matter?

He squeezed even more into the couch, I even began to fear that he would completely disappear. He started biting his nails. He bit off a strip of his fingernail and dropped it on the couch on purpose. Tries to determine if I noticed.

- I want to help you. I do not work for your mother, but for you. Neither she nor anyone else will know what we are talking about, everything will remain between us. I don't expect you to trust me right away, you barely know me. But we have a lot of time ahead to get to know each other better. I must say, I also have a problem, and I want you to help me solve it.

He didn't react in any way, didn't even raise an eyebrow. Nevertheless, I continue.

- When the session is over, your mother will definitely ask what you and I talked about. What do you think I should answer her?

Again he shrugs, says he doesn't care.

“So I have nothing to say to her. Is that about how we talked. And also that everything went well. Does it suit you?

“Look, I already said that I don’t need your help, I don’t want to see you. You can make me come here, make me go to school, but only until I am eighteen, which will be next month. But you cannot make me speak.

So, the battle continues between the therapist with the best intentions and the ruffy teenager who is suffering so badly that he cannot even ask for help. According to Dzhurikh, psychotherapists dream of such children in nightmares: obstinate, with a contemptuous grin, stubborn, who only wait for you to come closer to them, then they will eat you alive. “If they don’t harass us in therapy, they’ll do worse by rejecting all our attempts to help them.”

Of course, such children are unlikely to be messengers of hell with the aim of punishing us for our sins, they are quite sincerely acting out their feelings. Speaking of angry children and teenagers, Brenner describes their behavior as follows: “Sometimes it seems that the room is not able to accommodate them. They can climb walls, jump from windows, hide in washrooms. Their attention is extremely unstable. They shoot out like a bullet from bathrooms and toilets. Constantly demanding attention and care for themselves, they act out anger and hatred. They are hungry all the time, constantly moving, they are, like rats in a garbage can, looking for food for themselves. They are an example of the pure manifestation of id”.

Obnoxious children are so full of anger and hatred that they cause similar feelings in us. Often experiencing neglect from one or both parents, they unilaterally seek revenge for imagined (or actual) mistreatment. Their acting out, despite all its rudeness and unattractiveness, is the most convenient form of communication for them.

Gone are the days of teenagers acting out their feelings through promiscuity, listening to rock and roll or smoking a cigarette. Now the problem has taken on a completely different scale. Due to the fact that sexual activity has become unsafe, repressed energy finds its way out in acts of violence. Who would have thought that city schools would have to install metal detectors and hire guards, fourth-fifth graders would control drug flows in their territories, and a child could easily be killed because of fashionable sneakers or a leather jacket?

Modern aggressive adolescents drive their parents to insanity not because they use drugs or participate in social protests, as many of us did in their time, but because of their tendency to racism or anti-Semitism. The generation of parents and psychotherapists who grew up in the turbulent sixties, when the spirit of rebelliousness was in the air, is shocked by modern extremes. There are children who indulge in automatic weapons, and there are those who give up drugs and alcohol and become neo-Nazis or financial tycoons.

Removing aggressive clients from therapy

One of the most obvious solutions to aggressive teens is to simply get rid of them and work with their parents. More often than not, this behavior is the result of a dysfunctional family structure, so it makes sense to get to know those who are experiencing the most difficulties and, therefore, most interested in change.

A teenager (and any other who finds himself in his place) cannot be forced to do what he flatly refuses. From a teenager who has gone into deep defense and who is literally seething with anger, you will not achieve anything by direct confrontation. Some psychotherapists believe that in such cases, instead of working with the child himself, it is advisable to switch to family members who are more interested in cooperation and, as a rule, are easier to change. Sometimes removing an aggressive adolescent from therapy has the opposite effect, that is, it piques his interest. In a number of cases, problem children were specifically asked not to participate in psychotherapy, while they began to show an interest in cooperation and tried to explain the essence of their problems.

The moral is clear: Imagine that you are the best specialist in dealing with aggressive people in the world, and do your best. Even if the adolescent's support cannot be immediately obtained, at least the main obstacle to the therapeutic process will be removed. The client sees in front of himself the consequences of his aggressiveness, that is, he is deprived of the opportunity, as an adult, to participate in the process of finding solutions to the problem. Even if his behavior remains the same, he will no longer be able to interfere with the course of psychotherapy, as he interferes with the life of his family members. In addition, there is usually something to work with parents, such as helping them to better understand their child and teach them how to deal with conflicts more effectively.

At the same time, it will be useful for the child to hear from the parents a clear and unambiguous message that reads as follows: “We want to help you. We are ready to do everything in our power for this. If you do not need our help, we will have to reckon with your opinion. However, we decided to seek help ourselves and try to change something in our behavior. With the experience and support of our psychotherapist, we hope to achieve the desired changes.”

In most cases, when aggressive adolescents come to the attention of the therapist, it turns out that they are acting out the problems that manifest themselves in the relationship between the parents. The message discussed above makes the child understand that the parents themselves have decided to seek help. Thus, the child no longer needs to act as a scapegoat or lightning rod.

Parents are often asked to come to the first session instead of the child in order to provide the therapist with the necessary background information. In at least half of the cases when it comes to family history and the dynamics of relationships between spouses, the decision is made to start with them. If parents want to help their child effectively, they should first learn to cooperate with each other. It's amazing how often the behavior of an aggressive child magically improves once we start working on the marriage relationship.

A plan has been developed to enable parents to develop more mature and satisfying relationships with their teenagers. Achievement of changes is carried out sequentially, starting from the preparatory stage. The purpose of this phase of the therapeutic interaction is to create positive expectations, raise morale, and provide support for further action. In addition, the psychotherapist collects the necessary information about the characteristics of the adolescent's behavior and the impact of his behavior on others.

At the stage of comprehension, marital relations are practically not explored, the focus is shifted to the aggressive teenager and his relationship with his parents. As Roberts observed: “Only a few families are able to quickly expand the context of psychotherapy to include their personal life, the vast majority are not capable of this. If a psychotherapist tries to forcefully nudge a spouse to investigate their personal problems, clients may withdraw early from therapy.”

The main goals are as follows: to help parents respond more effectively to the child's behavior, to better understand his feelings, and also to see what is behind these or those of his child's actions, what problems he is acting out. Madanes describes how she managed to help parents who were struggling to cope with their young daughter. The parents themselves believed that they could easily determine the mood of their daughter, one had only to enter her room and wish good morning.

- If you have the impression that a difficult day is ahead, how do you greet your daughter? Madanes asks.

- Well, we usually go into her room and ask her to get up and get ready for school. That's all. We know for sure that we will quarrel.

- What happens when you assume that your daughter is in a good mood?

- Oh, then I hum songs and play with her.

According to the parents, the child dictated his conditions to them, in fact, they unconsciously directed the daughter's behavior, depending on their own (correct or incorrect) impression of her behavior.

Penetration into the essence of communication patterns and the structure of interaction is the bread and butter of a family psychotherapist. This particular type of intervention focuses primarily on the parental dyad and its relationship with an aggressive child. Efforts are being made to strengthen the relationship between parents in the process of resolving joint problems. The therapist allows spouses to do whatever they can to protect themselves and take care of themselves. Finally, the time comes to rethink the division of responsibility in different spheres of life - who is responsible for what, and what each of them can really influence. The main task is to develop in parents the ability to maintain objectivity and emotional resistance to the antics of an irresponsible child.

This strategy was particularly successful when working with the parents of Klemm, a young man who had given up psychotherapy. His parents were the initiators of his visit to the therapist. Having started attending psychotherapy sessions, they clearly and unequivocally told their son: "We may not be able to stop you and force you to behave decently, but damn it if we continue to allow you to interfere with our life!"

Parents, of course, were interested in understanding the reasons for Klemm's problematic behavior, but in itself such an understanding was of much less practical importance than their decision to take care of themselves. As is often the case in such cases, Klemm's acting out became significantly less intense as soon as the parents stopped overreacting to him. Moreover, he seemed to become less vicious as his parents learned to treat his behavior more coolly.

In the targeted action phase, the main resources for intervention are already in place. Insight and understanding are meaningless unless backed up by action. This transition to the practical part of psychotherapy is possible through the use of certain techniques, depending on the theoretical orientation of the therapist, conducting strategic, structural or behavioral interventions. Undoubtedly, certain actions must be taken in order to change the reaction of parents to a raging teenager. The choice is made from a wide range of possible answers: you can support the teenager, or you can kick this almost adult person out of the house. In any case, the concerted efforts of parents, thanks to the newly formed alliance, will have a much greater effect than their scattered actions, they will be able to more objectively approach problem solving, as well as somewhat weaken their bonds with the child that previously held them down.

Neutralizing hostility

Attachment theory suggests that hostile clients express their frustration with authority figures who systematically ignore them. Since hostility implies a lack of trust, the goal of psychotherapy is to build relationships with the rebellious client.

A rather unusual application of Bowlby's theory was proposed by Nelson: in his opinion, the most effective way to correct the behavior of aggressive adolescents is to suddenly change the sign of emotion in order to establish trusting relationships. Within a few seconds, dysfunctional or inappropriate behavior is strongly rebuffed, then it is quickly replaced by expressions of sympathy and approval. The scolding received creates anxiety in the adolescent, and subsequent approval leads to a feeling of relief and, ultimately, trust.

Hartman and Reynolds have compiled a rough list of the types of resistance with which it is advisable to enter into confrontation in this way, these include the client's manifestation of disrespect for those in power or stubbornness. According to the authors, these behaviors and hundreds of others like them should be met with sharp opposition, which is immediately replaced by expressions of concern and approval. This approach allows you to overcome resistance by working at the procedural and content levels. Thanks to him, an atmosphere of safety is created in which the psychotherapist has the opportunity to make the child understand the unacceptability of his behavior, without risking breaking the established trusting relationship between them.

Whenever I happen to learn about such approaches to working with resistance and aggression, I usually shake my head in thought and think to myself: this all sounds very attractive. The authors' recommendations are very convincing, but only on paper, but what if a child wants to break my neck? Vividly imagining some of the aggressive adolescents I have worked with, sitting quietly and watching as I carry out a confrontation interspersed with approval, I cannot help smiling. Most of my difficult clients were difficult precisely because they were good at recognizing attempts to influence or change their behavior. Yes, when working with them, it is necessary to establish strict rules of acceptable behavior, but by no means within the framework of a game like "good cop, bad cop", when swearing alternates with a stupid smile.

One of the greatest discoveries we owe to Sigmund Freud, Eric Erikson, Jean Piaget, Laurence Kohlberg and other pioneers of developmental psychology is that adolescence is testing the boundaries of the possible. During this period, half adults and half children strive for an autonomous existence and try their hand at confronting recognized authorities. In fact, resistance and rebellion are part of the adolescent's normal functioning when interacting with parents and other persons in authority. The novelist Len Dayton once remarked that the traditional conflicts of adolescents with family and friends are necessary for the survival of the planet: if children do not quarrel with their parents, they are unlikely to leave the parental home. And then the world will perish.

Although adolescents are gloomy, overly self-absorbed, rude, many still rebel not only for their love of art. Some studies have shown that the obstinacy of adolescents is greatly exaggerated, and most conflicts arise on relatively insignificant reasons - who and when should take out the trash and what haircut is best to wear.

McHolland warns that adolescent resistance should be viewed within the system in which it manifests itself, often acting out has a protective function in the family. In addition, it must be borne in mind that the psychotherapist himself is able to cause or may increase resistance due to the specific attitude towards the adolescent, certain expectations in relation to him and the hanging of labels. McHolland himself offers a number of recommendations on how to prevent or reduce adolescent hostility from the very first sessions.

1. Before proceeding with the problem, establish a rapport with the client. Ask about his hobbies, such as music, sports, and school success.

2. Provide a forward motion. Don't let silence reign for long. Engage the customer in interaction.

3. Do not interrupt the client during a conversation. Avoid giving advice or making value judgments.

4. Use self-disclosure to build trust. In this case, do not go beyond the permissible boundaries.

5. Do not expect and do not require the client to do what he cannot. Find out the characteristics of the client's functioning - cognitive, emotional, interpersonal, and also verbal level of development and do not go beyond their capabilities.

6. Use humor to relieve stress. The following technique has proven itself well when working with teenagers: “Do you want me to repeat your demeanor? Now, would you like to try to portray me?"

7. Avoid taking the side of the teenager or his parents.

The last of the above recommendations seems to me the most problematic. If a teenager suspects us of loyalty to our parents, it will be extremely difficult to establish a trusting relationship with him. If the parents, in turn, notice that we are protecting the child, they will refuse psychotherapy. Personally, I strive to enlist the support of the child in this matter: “Listen, I need your help. Your parents will certainly want to know what we talked about during the session. If I do not tell them, they are unlikely to allow us to meet with you - it may turn out that you will like your next therapist even less than me. Let's agree on what makes sense to tell them, and what I’d better not mention at all.”

Even the most stubborn teenagers will approve of such a proposal. From now on, we are accomplices and jointly try to implement a plan to gain autonomy and preserve the adolescent's self-esteem without harming other family members.

Jeffrey A. Kottler. The compleat therapist. Compassionate therapy: Working with difficult clients. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. 1991 (lyricist)