Divorce And Children. Frequently Asked Questions

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Family life is difficult. In every family there are quarrels, conflicts, tension. And sometimes it becomes too much for one of the partners. Then the thought of divorce may arise. We all know that in the modern world there is a trend that there is nothing terrible in divorce, we do not meet forever, but for a while, people can disperse, etc. But divorce is almost always difficult. It's hard to decide to leave, it's hard to decide to hurt, it's scary to face the pain yourself, it's scary to start living a new, different life. And if there are children, then it's scary to hurt them too.

And here sits such a parent, understands that it is necessary to leave, but what will happen to the children is not clear. When clients come to me with a decision to divorce or in the process of divorce, they often have many fears and questions. They sound different, but often about the same thing. Therefore, I decided to describe the most common, and my opinion about each of them.

1. “ How can I leave the children? - dads often think….

It is quite a reasonable question and it arises because of several psychological mechanisms.

The first is projection. This is when we assign our feelings to another person. And in this case, we assign to our children our childish fear of being left without parents. After all, the truth is, in childhood, when our parents were fighting, we were all very afraid that they would disperse.

The second is the innate parental need to take care of children, that is, to be with them. Often we think that in a relationship it is important to receive care, attention, affection, but not everyone knows that giving is just as important. We have both absorptive and excretory functions laid down. And in the case of children, we need to emphasize much more. When there is a risk of being left without the opportunity to give something to children, the fear of meeting with loneliness, emptiness rolls over us, and these are our feelings that we assign to children.

And the third is social introjects (attitudes) that children without parents feel bad. I would like to include the clip Pink - Family portrait. Looking at this girl and listening to the text, it is impossible to remain indifferent.

Yes, children really need both parents. Children really experience the separation of their parents as something terrible and terrible. But, for proper contact, it is not important how much time you spend with your children, but the quality of this time. After all, if you look at how communication is organized in families, it is often quite functional - to feed, do homework, treat, etc. And about intimacy, in which there is an exchange of feelings, the ability to consider another person, to express their love, and not “I’m doing as much for them”, parents forget or simply don’t know.

2. Moms are afraid not to be able to, not to cope … After all, they cannot be a dad, they cannot replace him. And those who try desperately only make it worse. There will be no example of how a man should behave (and this is important for both sons and daughters).

Mom really can't replace Dad. Functionally, this is certainly possible, but psychologically it is not.

Men and women are arranged differently, and their parental functions also differ. If in contact with the child's mother, the child experiences more unconditional acceptance, care and patience, then with the father it is protection, rules, achievements. Each parent is an example of what it means to be a man, and what it means to be a woman, and how to be next to a man, and how to be next to a woman.

Both parents should keep this in mind. Mom should not try to replace dad, but rather just be a good mom, and dad should remember that he is a dad and spend enough time with the child.

(You can read more about the functions of parents in my articles: “The role of the father in the life of a boy” and “The role of the father in the life of a girl” - they are on my website.)

3. Dad is afraid: “ Children will forget me ”.

If the child has been in contact with the parent at least up to 2-2.5 years, then no, he will never be able to forget. Yes, if after the divorce the parent does not maintain high-quality contact with the child, then many of the needs that the child would have had to satisfy about his parent will be directed to someone else. This is such a protective mechanism of adaptation so that the personality is nevertheless formed. In this case, the image of the parent will be blurred, but the need to be loved and accepted specifically from you will remain forever. Not to mention the identification of oneself by blood ties - this is generally for life. Even when children completely “abandoned” their parents, they feel that “half of me” is from that uncle or that aunt who does not disappear anywhere. Well, that means there is a need to find out what kind of uncle he is.

4. “ What example will I set for the children? After all, if we get divorced, then my child will do the same one day because he will not have a model of beautiful female-male relationships."

I agree. We really set an example for our children how to behave in some situations. No wonder there is a phrase - "Do not bring up a child, he will still be like you." And the formation of a family message is just about that. But let's look at this idea from different angles.

What do you teach your child by staying in a relationship in which you really feel bad? You teach him to stay where he is badly treated. Learn to endure everything that you endure, teach not to finish, even if it hurts, what makes him unhappy.

It is also the environment in which your child is.

The decision to divorce does not come out of nowhere. Relationships have either exhausted themselves and then they are dead, or it is impossible to be in them due to constant abuse, screams, insults, manipulations, and then they are toxic. In a toxic environment, the body is poisoned, and this is exactly what happens to the child when the parents are in such a relationship. Even if you put in a huge amount of effort so that the child does not see it, he will feel it. Non-verbal messages of anger, contempt, and parental disgust for each other are all poisonous. It is also an example of how a child should behave when he becomes an adult. You hardly want him to live the same way.

5. “ How will they be without a father? ”

Only mothers are afraid that while they will try to earn, provide, teach, they will not be enough to be just a kind, calm, affectionate mother, physically not enough.

And dads, in turn, are afraid that they will not be able to protect, give the right advice, support and direct.

And here you can summarize and answer the eternal customer question “What to do?”.

I believe that when the relationship is at an impasse, and the only thing that makes you stay in such a relationship is the children, then you have to leave.

It is important to build a new relationship with the other parent, in which you will no longer be a couple, but only parents. And here a lot of questions arise, from relatively simple - school, circles, rest, to very difficult - how and when you will acquaint children with your new partners. A lot of feelings remain for each other, and if you can't agree, try contacting a psychologist or mediator. Fortunately, now we are becoming more and more.

When you come to a consensus on the main issues, you will need to talk to the child together. And this community of yours will show the child that he still has both parents. You need to establish boundaries that you convey to your child. In a divorce, when the familiar world “collapses”, stability is very important for a child, and boundaries will help in this.

In addition, you need to establish a clear, stable, and even schedule for meetings with children. It is very important that this schedule is observed almost always, and this is also about the boundaries and the child's feeling that both parents are in any situation, and not from time to time.

A parent who will live separately needs to spend so much time with the child in order to take part in all areas of his life - to do homework, relax, go to a class or go to have fun, buy clothes or something for school, just sit back. It is with a versatile pastime that you will interact in different situations, with different emotions and will be able to get to know your child well, and he you.

And of course, be attentive to your child. Be surprised at how he changes, observe what interests he has, and which ones, on the contrary, depart. If you do all this, then you get a very good basis for close parent-child relationships, and this is what is needed for a child to survive the divorce of parents with the least possible loss.