MARRIAGE: Four Ages Of Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How many words have been said that marriage is titanic work and patience, that the joint life of two adults is constant work on oneself. But one day the hard work ends and happiness begins.

Psychologists conditionally divided the life of a married couple into stages. After all, if you know at what stage of the relationship you are with your partner, it is easier to adjust your behavior and: find out what lies ahead.

The well-known gestalt therapist and leader of psychotherapy groups Andrei VLAMIN believes that relationships in marriage go through four phases. The first is beautiful, the second and third are difficult, but very important. And from the fourth phase, in fact, a real joint life begins.

First stage

I can not be without you

The first phase of a relationship is the period of falling in love. Each partner feels that he has found a second half, met the closest person on earth. It happens that lovers quarrel - and this is a tragedy, but they quickly reconcile - and then vows are heard never to hurt each other. Eh, they would know, naive, that pain in life together is simply inevitable. Not because the spouses are sadomasochists, but because they are simply too close to each other: as soon as one makes a sharp movement (not out of malice, by accident) - and now he has already touched the other. And while the husband and wife learn not to notice these unintentional grievances, decades pass.

But while the couple is in the most tremulous state. Lovers live and feel in unison and cannot rejoice in their happiness. This phase of the relationship does not last long, but it will be remembered for a lifetime. Then the energy of this period will warm the couple during the crisis moments of mutual cooling and bring it out of very difficult dead ends.

Second phase

You are not me, but that is why you are dear to me

Time passes, and gradually one of the spouses discovers that his other half does not live up to any expectations, that the partner has his own views and a bunch of shortcomings. The little things are especially boring. Very serious quarrels begin.

During mutual accusations, the word "betrayal" is often heard. It consists in the fact that one spouse disappointed the other. For example, the wife believed that her husband was responsible and reliable, but at the most inopportune moment he took and moved away from solving everyday problems. And the wife cannot understand a simple thing: no one deceived her. It's just that at first she endowed her husband with non-existent qualities, and then her expectations were not met.

The crisis between the first and second stages can last for years, many couples never get out of it - they have been making claims to each other all their lives. Someone can not stand it and leaves for another, "good" person, who, in turn, also disappoints him.

But if people decide to stay together and be a family, and not "neighbors in a communal apartment," they will have to get used to the discrepancies and learn to respect each other's individuality. This is a very difficult and long stage. Passing it is a great success.

Stage three

I can do without you, but I don't want to

Little is said or written about the third stage, but it is extremely interesting. Spouses learn to do without each other, to live without manipulating a partner. After all, many people come together in order to make up for some kind of deficiency: one is afraid of loneliness, the other is looking for a replacement for his father or mother, the third needs proof of his sexual attractiveness or the solid status of a family person. And at the third stage, the spouses self-actualize without using a partner.

A woman develops a hobby, she begins to build a career. Or, on the contrary, dramatically changes the job and starts a professional life from scratch. Or he makes good money and understands: I can live and raise children without a husband. Women cease to be "belonging" to husbands, their circle of contacts expands, their world goes far beyond the family, and in this world they receive recognition.

Men also have a new life. At work, they grow up to become leaders or develop their own business, they have interesting "toys" and hobbies. In general, people find their value outside of the family. They see that they are respected as professionals, that they are successful, sexually in demand, and they understand that they can even remarry if they wish. At first, people experience euphoria and at this time they can, as they say, make a mess: men go to their young friends, women are fond of feminist ideas - there are many temptations. But if a person asks himself the question "why should I part with a partner?" and will not find an answer to it, which means that the third stage has been successfully passed. People became convinced that they are free individuals and can live without each other. But they don't see the point in breaking up because they want to be together.

Fourth stage

Happiness to be together

And only after that, the spouses begin to have a truly mature relationship. Now they can be considered a real couple. People discover how valuable their being together is. The fourth stage of the relationship is filled with light energy - just like in the first phase, during the period of falling in love. To reach it is a great success, not every couple can boast of this. But anything is possible if you really want to.

A few steps towards harmony

Don't be guided by the "norm." In communication, one must be guided by only one rule: to perceive a loved one as a unique phenomenon and try to understand him. And also never find out which of you is right, and do not point out to another about his mistakes.

Any person needs recognition. A woman needs to feel loved, desired, beautiful, to know that her works are appreciated. If this is not the case, she suffers - with scandals, tears, nagging. And the whole family suffers along with it. For a man, recognition is a fundamental moment in a relationship. A woman needs to praise a man, rejoice at his successes, admire him, repeat to him: “It’s good that I have you, I am happy with you and I appreciate everything that you do for me”. By the way, children really need praise too.

Often the cause of conflicts is some kind of "good" that we do to loved ones without asking if they need it. A striking example is a woman who constantly gives advice to her husband. If you are concerned about your relationship with your partner, just ask, "Do you need my advice?" And do not be offended when you hear a negative answer.

To understand what your partner wants, you need to talk to him more often. It is to talk, and not to make categorical judgments. The best thing you can ask a loved one is whether he is good with you, what he lacks, what he likes and dislikes. Just watch out for intonation. Never ask about such things when you are irritated or doing other things at the same time.

Together, not out of fear, but for pleasure

Elena SHUVARIKOVA, candidate of psychological sciences, director of the psychological center "Here and Now"

- Before, people started families and lived in them according to a certain pattern. Often they did so only because they were afraid of public opinion, condemnation, loneliness (the list goes on for a long time). Each of us probably has familiar families where a husband and wife lived for many years, did not get divorced, and at the same time they fiercely hated each other. Today our life depends not on what neighbors or colleagues think and say about us, but on our own feelings.