2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
What could be behind this?
Sleeping with parents has now become widespread. More and more often, mothers who sleep with their children under 12 or even 16 years old, or dads who sleep with little daughters, get to the hospital for consultation. If we are talking about the fact that the child is in the parental bed once or twice a year, there is nothing wrong with that, and will not lead to any consequences. It's another matter if this behavior is systemic. The child is not accustomed to sleeping together with his parents; he is taught to do this by the parents themselves.
What could be behind this?
- Psycho - emotional immaturity of parents, their complete unpreparedness for the parental role
- High anxiety and low resistance to stress, especially in codependent women, imaginary fears towards the child and an inappropriate desire all the time to somehow “save” or “protect” the baby, for example, from nightmares, fears, physical pain, etc.
- Disturbed male-female relationships in a couple and sexual disharmony. In an effort to avoid close contact with her husband, a woman often hides behind a child “he's small, he needs to be fed, I have to be there”. Thus, the baby becomes a "buffer", but by no means a child.
- Desire for control and power in the family. Determining her husband "in the backyard", and elevating the child to the role of "helpless", the woman, thus, asserts herself, as if "in control of the situation"
- In extreme cases, mental or sexual pathology (pedophilia, molestation) for both men and women.
What are the consequences?
Based on the fact that there are unhealthy reasons behind the joint sleep of parents and children, we also have unhealthy consequences:
- The child develops emotional instability, it can manifest itself in mood swings, moodiness, restless sleep
- Violation of the family hierarchy. Each family member has his own place, and the parental bed is only for husband and wife. When a mother, as if with the best intentions, takes a child into her bed, she kicks someone out of her, usually her husband. An even worse option is when the three of us sleep. Internally, the mother gives the child a message: “You are better than your father. You can take his place. " In the future, it is impossible to explain to a child who sleeps with his mother for many years that the owner of the house is dad and he is a husband. Internally, the child considers himself the most important and “best husband” for his mother. In the eyes of children, a father loses not only authority and respect, but also a path to their hearts. Another difficult option, when there are several children, and there is only one in my mother's bed.
- The child develops infantility, unwillingness and inability to cope with life's difficulties, anxiety increases. Age crises are aggravated.
- Violation of personal autonomy. Each of us has our own personal space, its violation leads to irritation and aggressiveness, or to the feeling of oneself only “as a mother’s continuation”, but not a separate person with our own, not mother’s desires and needs. The violation of the child's bodily boundaries makes further separation from the parents impossible. “Mama's little sons” and “daddy's daughters” become more and more of them every year.
Is it important for parents to understand what motivates them to pull their children into bed? Few of the kids, having abandoned the "profitable married life" with mom or dad, returns to their crib on their own.
As a rule, serious violations are laid by the parents themselves, their consequences manifest themselves years later.
What to do?
- The child should always sleep in the right place. He should feel and know “I have my place at home and my parents respect it”
- If the child does not sleep well or wakes up often, do not take him to your bed "for a little bit", but get up yourself. Sit next to me, sing a song, stroke, calm down. If you have to do this 10 times a night, then you will have to get up 10 times.
- If your child has been sleeping with you for a long time, do not expect him to quickly and easily return to his place. Whims and tantrums are inevitable. Have patience and endurance. After 2-3 months, the situation will return to normal.
The parents themselves need to consult a specialist and deal with the reasons that prompted them to sleep together with the child.
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