Memo To Parents "Features Of Adolescence". Recommendations For Parents

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Adolescence is traditionally considered the most difficult educational age. The difficulties of this age are largely associated with puberty as the cause of various psychophysiological and mental abnormalities

In the course of rapid growth and physiological changes in the body, adolescents may experience anxiety, increased excitability, and decreased self-esteem. Common features of this age include mood swings, emotional instability, and unexpected transitions from joy to sadness and pessimism. A picky attitude towards relatives is combined with acute dissatisfaction with oneself. The central psychological neoplasm in adolescence is the formation of the adolescent's sense of adulthood, as a subjective experience of the attitude towards oneself as an adult. And then the struggle begins for the recognition of their rights, independence, which inevitably leads to a conflict between adults and adolescents.

The result is a crisis of adolescence. The need to free oneself from parental care is associated with the struggle for independence, for establishing oneself as a person. The reaction can be manifested in the refusal to comply with generally accepted norms, rules of behavior, devaluation of the moral and spiritual ideals of the older generation. Petty custody, excessive control over behavior, punishment by deprivation of minimum freedom and independence aggravate teenage conflict and provoke adolescents to negativism and conflict. It is during this difficult period that the reference (significant) group changes for the child: from relatives, parents to peers. He values the opinion of his peers, preferring their society, and not the society of adults, whose criticism he rejects, the need for friendship, an orientation towards the "ideals" of the collective is sharpening. In communication with peers, social relationships are modeled, skills are acquired to assess the consequences of one's own or someone else's behavior or moral values. The characteristics of the nature of communication with parents, teachers, classmates and friends has a significant impact on self-esteem in adolescence. The nature of self-esteem determines the formation of personal qualities. An adequate level of self-esteem builds self-confidence, self-criticism, persistence, or even overconfidence and stubbornness.

Building relationships with peers, rivalry, uncertainty with subsequent life, lack of confidence in their abilities - there are a lot of difficulties and stress for them, and we, parents, strive to help them, often taking on a significant part of them. But it is precisely by overcoming these difficulties that they develop. Giving them a "magic pill", doing something FOR the child, we do not make them happy, but we alleviate their suffering and … do not allow them to develop. Yes, it is hard for him now, but this is the only way to learn to live. And what will happen then, in adulthood, when there will be no dad, mom and the one who will slip the pill on time? When will he be ALONE WITH HIMSELF? The way out of even the most unpleasant and difficult situations and conditions for a teenager lies in knowing himself, and the greatest thing that parents can do is help him do it.

There are NO difficult children! The undesirable behavior of a problem child is often an attempt by his mental “to survive, by all means” in unfavorable circumstances for him. Therefore, it is necessary for the child to understand, support, know what he thinks, what he feels. And for this, it is necessary to establish rules in the family: the rules of mutual respect, valueless judgments, and the use of "I-messages", to communicate in the "language of feelings", the skill of which is recommended to be consolidated and used in the family.

I-message or I-utterance is a way of conducting a conversation. You are the message: "You are late again", "You did not do what I asked you to do", "You are constantly doing your own thing", they all start with accusations against the other person, and usually put the person in a defensive position, he subconsciously gets the feeling that he is being attacked. That is why, in most cases, in response to such a phrase, a person begins to defend himself, and, as you know, an attack is the best way to defend himself. As a result, such a "conversation" threatens to escalate into a conflict.

"I-message" has several advantages over "You-message":

1. It allows you to express thoughts and feelings in a form that is not offensive to the interlocutor.

2. "I-message" allows the interlocutor to get to know you better.

3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, the interlocutor becomes more sincere in expressing theirs. The interlocutor begins to feel that he is trusted.

4. Expressing our feelings without an order or a reprimand, we leave the interlocutor the opportunity to make a decision himself.

Method

1. Start a phrase with a description of the fact that does not suit you in the behavior of another person. I emphasize, exactly the fact! No emotion or assessment of a person as a person. For example, like this: "When you are late …".

2. Next, you should describe your feelings in connection with this behavior. For example: "I am upset", "I am worried", "I am upset", "I am worried."

3. Then you need to explain what effect this behavior has on you or others. In an example with a delay, the continuation may be like this: “because I have to stand at the entrance and freeze,” “because I don’t know the reason for your being late,” “because I have little time to communicate with you,” and so on.

4. In the final part of the phrase, you must inform about your desire, that is, what kind of behavior you would like to see instead of the one that caused you dissatisfaction. I will continue the example with a delay: "I would really like you to call me if you can not come on time."

The child needs to be given more freedom and responsibility for his actions, not to decide for him, not to force or insist, to abandon the accusatory position, while providing support, competently guiding him

"Magic Questions" guiding the child:

What do you want?

Why do you want this?

Imagine that you have already got what you want. What are you going to do about it? How much will you rejoice? Is this what you really want?

Why do you think you don't have it?

What can influence the change in the situation?

What will you do?

What could be the consequences for you and others?

What's the hardest part for you?

What advice would you give to someone else if he were in your place?

Imagine a dialogue with the wisest person you know. What will he tell you to do?

I do not know what to do next. What do you think?

If someone else said or did so, what would you feel, think? What would you do next?

What will you win and what will you lose if you do this?

What should be able to? Where and how will you learn this?

Who can help you and how?

When will you start doing this?

Will you definitely achieve your goal with this?

What are the possible difficulties and obstacles?

What will you do in this case?

An example of a dialogue taken from the vastness of the Internet, and thanks to the author! (example, of course, exaggerated and strengthened for understanding the technique):

Son: I want X-BOH

Mom: Why?

Son: I will play. This is great. You can move there.

Mom: Why don't you still have it?

Son: Because you don't buy!

Mom: Why don't I buy?

Son: Because you have no money.

Mom: Not at all, not at all?

Son: Yes, but you won't spend them on X-VOX

Mom: Why?

Son: Because you spend them on other things.

Mom: Which ones?

Son: Probably more needed ones.

Mom: What can make a difference?

Son: If we spend less?

Mom: What are you willing to give up for the sake of X-BOH?

Son: From movies and candy

Mom: Can you calculate how much you will save in a month this way?

Son: About a thousand

Mom: How many months will you save up for X-VOX like this?

Son: One and a half years.

Mom: Can you wait a year and a half? Live a year and a half without a movie and candy?

Son: No

Mom: Any other ideas?

Son: Am I going to work?

Mom: Where will you be taken to work at the age of 11? Who will pay you?

Son: Nowhere. Do not know.

Mom: Until you know this, until you figured out how to make money, what else can you offer to achieve your goal?

Son: You need to earn more.

Mom: Great. Can you tell me how I can earn more?

Son: Work harder.

Mom: Where can I get the time for this?

Son: Don't do something else.

Mom: For example? I can't stay awake, eat, rest. Where else does my time go?

Son: You still go to the store, cook, wash the dishes.

Mom: What else?

Son: You are still vacuuming.

Mom: What of this can I not do? Who will do it for me?

Son: I can vacuum, wash dishes.

Mom: Super! I was just about to buy a dishwasher. It costs the same as X-BOX. But if you wash the dishes, then I don't need a dishwasher. Are you ready to wash the dishes every day if we buy X-BOX?

Son: Of course!

Mom: Are you ready to wash the dishes for six months until we save up for the dishwasher again?

Son: Ready.

Mom: And if you don't fulfill the agreement? If I buy XBOX and you refuse to wash the dishes? What should I do then?

Son: Well, it will be fair if you take the X-BOX from me.

Mom: And if you play enough in two days, will you get tired of X-BOH and you will stop washing the dishes? Then I will have no money for a dishwasher, no clean dishes. How will I feel? How would you feel if you were me?

Son: That I was deceived.

Mom: Will you continue to believe the person who deceived you?

Son: No.

Mom: Will you continue to negotiate with him, do something for him?

Son: No.

Mom: Will you have any other wishes after you receive the X-BOX?

Son: Of course.

Mom: That is, you understand that if you, having received X-VOX, violate the terms of our agreement, then I will not try to fulfill your further desires? Do you understand that it is in your interests to fulfill the terms of the contract?

Son: Of course.

Mom: What can prevent you from fulfilling the conditions?

Son: I can get tired.

Mom: How do you propose to solve the problem?

Son: Let me have a day off from dishes on Sunday.

Mom: Okay. Deal?

Son: Agreed.

Compare with another dialogue:

Son: I want X-BOH

Mom: Let me buy, but for that you will always wash the dishes throughout the year, except for the weekend. And if you don’t, then I’ll never buy you anything again.

It seems that the agreement is in fact the same. But the result is different. In the second case, the conditions are imposed on the child by the adult. In the first case, the child himself (with the help of leading questions) came to an agreement, which means that the level of awareness and responsibility for compliance with the terms of the contract will be higher. And the child also gained experience in solving a life problem.

This approach creates an atmosphere of co-creation between parent and child. On the part of the parent, this is following the interests of the child and guiding the child with the help of "magic questions". On the part of the child, this is a creative search, the study of their choices, the courage of decision-making, vigorous activity. The key element for the child here is awareness and responsibility: "I know how I can change my life."