2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It is very difficult to be close to a person who seeks to constantly identify with you, assumes many components of your identity.
Imagine a situation when, for example, you chose the profession of a dentist, and your friend followed you in the same profession, you decided to open a private clinic, and a friend next to you opens the same clinic, you say that you love pilaf, and he begins to love pilaf. The feeling gradually builds up that a person appropriates your personality for himself.
It seems that there is nothing of the sort in the fact that a person imitates you. Doesn't he also have the right to love pilaf, the same wine that you drink, or choose the same profession? It may even be good that you are a role model for a person, an inspirer. This happens when he does not have his own landmarks, and he chooses to follow someone along the beaten path.
It is much worse when this person begins to devalue your ideas, achievements, and then appropriate them to himself.
For example, your friends come to trust you, they begin to imitate you, reach out for you, and now you notice that they have decent incomes, they also bought a house in the suburbs, a car like yours, but in your family, on the contrary, discord began.
It is not enough for a manipulator with destructive narcissism to catch up with you, he needs to feel better than you and ultimately enjoy your life fiasco. Gradually, he can create a split in your family, devalue what you have.
For example, a friend "out of friendship" begins to tell you about your husband's infidelity, to compete with you in different spheres of life, and so on. What at the beginning of her acquaintance with you admired her, now evokes at least condescension.
Walter Schellenberg had a similar demeanor, described in Julian Semenov's book "17 Moments of Spring":
“Schellenberg was an equal opponent, and in terms of strategy it was very difficult to get around him, most likely impossible.
But, looking closely at him, Stirlitz noted an interesting detail: at first Schellenberg did not seem to notice the interesting proposals of his employees, shifting the conversation to another topic. And only after days, weeks, or even months, adding his understanding of the problem to this proposal, put forward the same idea, but now as his own, he had proposed, suffered through, he planned operation."
For example, you say in a circle of friends, relatives that you would like to move to another city, and in response to you, arguments pour out as if from a cornucopia of why you should not move. And now, you have already changed your mind, when you suddenly find out that those who dissuaded you the most have moved to that very place.
Or you told a friend that you were fired from your job. In response, a friend assured you that you deserve the best, and a week later it became known that she was working in your place.
Especially the Schellenberg effect is manifested in an organized group (educational, professional team), in a creative, scientific environment. Often there is a person who is ready to go up the stairs to recognition from someone's head. Not having his own ideas or envying strangers, he steals them imperceptibly and passes them off as his own, framing them in some project.
In a relationship with such a subject, you can easily turn into a gray spot, even if you are a bright and interesting person.
By devaluing, not taking into account you, your ideas, comparing you with others not in your favor, he gradually destroys your self-esteem, deprives you of the motivation to achieve. Worst of all, if this is the closest person, and you are not ready for a secondary role. Then a conflict of interest begins.
The narcissist turns into an abuser who seeks to demoralize you with all his might, to indicate your place.
The only thing that he is ready to accept from you is recognition of his merits and praise, resignation to his self-centered behavior and the sacrifice of your own ambitions by you.
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