This Is Not All I Can Do (devaluation Manipulation). Part 2

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-15 16:05

The rescue of a drowning man is the work of the drowning man himself

When faced with manipulation of any kind, it makes no sense to get involved in the process of manipulation itself, because in this way you will support the manipulator's game by entering it. You need to understand what is happening, how it works, and why it bothers you so much. Important points:

Adequate self-esteem. Our lack of self-confidence triggers a depreciation within us, for this we do not need a manipulator from the outside - we will do everything ourselves! Therefore, the first step will be to understand myself: why do I think about myself this way, what is it based on, what comes from childhood in me, whether those parental phrases have instilled in me insecurity and am I ready to start living, ceasing to be afraid to take a step forward and ceasing to evaluate yourself negatively? To do this, it's time to spend on a piece of paper revision of internal beliefs:

• how I consider myself;
• whether all of this belongs to me and what is imposed by the environment or parents;
• what I want to leave in the past, because it really hinders me, and what I want to follow in the future;

• What phrases said by a partner (friend, relative, colleague) "catch", act painfully, what touches them so much and why?

Such an analysis will help you learn to see from the outside not only your actions, but also track manipulations in relation to you.

1. Automatic reactions. Are you accustomed to defending yourself, making excuses, or, on the contrary, attacking, cursing and instantly turning on the usual intonation and speech formulas that correspond to the moment? Or maybe you immediately flare up with shame or anger? These are all your automatic reactions that you need to learn to track. At first, it would be nice to just say to yourself, "Stop, car!" realizing the very fact of manipulation, stop, take a pause and only then allow yourself to react the way you see fit, updated, and not as long as you are accustomed to react and suffer from it. Helps someone count to yourself, to someone breathe deeply, someone switch attention to objects around (for example, to find objects of a certain color or shape with your eyes in a room) - you need to develop your own way of understanding your reactions and a free choice between them. Want to get pissed off? Easy! Just do it consciously, being responsible for the consequences and experiencing the inner pleasure of communicating with yourself.

2. Healthy subjectivity and understanding of the other. Evaluation of the same actions or words for you and your partner cannot be the same. This should become an argument in a conversation: "Yes, perhaps you see it differently, but for me this is a real success, a victory over myself, so I am really proud of myself!" In addition, you should not become a counter-manipulator and use his own means in response - this will lead the relationship to a dead end or to a protracted conflict. Realize that your partner diminishes the importance of your actions or feelings because he is afraid of something or is defending himself from something. For him, the strength of your union is questionable, he is not sure of your attitude towards him, he is afraid to disappoint you or a problem in the relationship of your couple with the environment - there can be many reasons, but find out about them only confidential conversation about your common goals will help.
3. I am the message. In a conversation with your partner, switch to “I-messages” (I feel that …, it is important for me that..), instead of the usual “You-messages” (you see, you are like that, your opinion, your position …). Learning to talk about ourselves is difficult: we are used to hiding behind the assessment and accusation of the other, thereby transferring the emphasis and responsibility from ourselves to the partner, which gives him fertile ground for manipulation. Do not speak for another, speak for yourself. No excuses, no self-flagellation, but the way you see the situation yourself.

4. Retention of significance. Devaluation takes us away from understanding the simple truth that the main importance in your life is yourself. In an inadequate relationship, you voluntarily donate your life to a partner who disposes of it in bad faith, using you at his own discretion. Remember why you chose this particular partner and that your value has not diminished since the beginning of the relationship. Do not lose sight of the main goal: the value of your life, happiness, the significance of each event. It gives a taste, a sense of time and value to what is happening.

So,

• devaluation manipulation is always aimed at reducing the significance of your actions, words or feelings;
• it arises as a reaction of the manipulator's defense or his desire to increase your efficiency and motivation;
• if the phrase you hear outrages you, it is better not to answer, keep silent or change the subject, but not support the provocateur-manipulator in his attempt to piss you off;
• avoid self-manipulation, devaluation of your thoughts and feelings;
• to counteract manipulation, you need to adequately look at yourself and your actions, conduct a revision of internal beliefs;
• you need to learn to control your automatic reactions;
• it is necessary to understand that the same actions or words by different people can be perceived in completely different ways;
• in a conversation with your partner, go to "I-messages";
• do not forget about the importance of your own life.

Love yourself, your achievements and know your worth

The article was written in collaboration with colleague and friend Vera Shutova.

The illustration is taken from the Internet.