2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This is not all that I am capable of
(manipulation of depreciation in relationships)
Imagine how much our life would have changed if in childhood phrases like “Stop wasting time on nonsense, do something worthwhile”, or “That you are different as a girl, boys don’t cry”, and even “And what are you proud of? ? You should have received 5, and you brought 4 for the test”and so on. Of course, we are talking about devaluation, embedded in consciousness from childhood and bearing fruit in adulthood. But, you argue, parents say so with the best intentions! We will definitely deal with this below. However, their words do not cease to be a painful manipulation for us, which traumatizes and leads to the appearance of complexes.
Let's look at the phrases above. What's happening? Often uttering such expressions, parents form in children unconscious beliefs that, firstly, their own children's interests, activities, and even more so dreams are not as important as those that meet the expectations of their elders, and secondly, the boy has no right to show feelings and, thirdly, no child's achievements are sufficient to be loved, something else is always needed. And this is just a small part of the traumatic consequences of devaluing statements in childhood. And as adults, we ourselves, without noticing it, begin to use the same statements, first with a partner, with colleagues, friends, and then with our own children.
Let's figure out what, how, why and what to do?
Why are they doing that?
The first of the reasons for using devaluating manipulation, oddly enough, protection … Protection from strong feelings, disturbing thoughts, understanding that, oh horror, you can be better, more successful, stronger than a manipulator in something. In this case, depreciation helps to align positions: to deprive you of a sense of success and confidence in your abilities, and to the manipulator to regain peace of mind.
Elders (parents, teachers, bosses) use depreciation in relation to children and younger ones in order to stimulate them to make more efforts to achieve results, increase efficiency and motivation … However, depreciation usually gives the opposite effect - the child (subordinate) loses faith in himself and interest in the process.
Thus, the manipulation of depreciation is always fundamentally aimed at decrease in importance your actions, words or feelings.
So, you are facing depreciation if you hear the phrases
- Is this a problem, here I have … (Reaction: Yes, now it is important for me. I am sure that you can handle it too)
- You may have tried, but … (Reaction: Yes, I really tried and I'm proud of what I did)
- Something doesn't seem like you try … (Reaction: same answer)
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The result as a result could have been better, I found something to be proud of … (Reaction: same answer)
- It is simply impossible (nothing, nothing) to talk to you! (Reaction: Okay, we'll talk when you're ready)
- You’re always not like people’s.… (Reaction: Yes, my life is my life, and I like the way I live)
- Why are you so proud (touchy, unfriendly, envious, sensitive, capricious, incomprehensible, too smart, beautiful, prickly - the list of Why Much is almost endless and always contains a negative reinforcing assessment)? (Reaction: I think / feel differently, I hate your words, and if you want, let's figure out where you got this opinion)
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You are in your repertoire
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It's funny to listen to you
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Again you are talking nonsense (nonsense, game, nonsense …)
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Yes, you won't look at you without tears
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And that's all you can do ?
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It's not masculine (not feminine, not smart, not worthy …)
and so on and so forth. The answers are approximate, if the question is outraged, it is better not to answer, keep silent or change the subject, but do not support the manipulative provocateur in his attempt to piss you off.
Love yourself, your achievements and know your worth! (To be continued…)
